Troubled by non-stop flashbacks / intrusive thoughts about past verbal abuse

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello everyone!


I wanted to ask you all how you deal with the ugly, painful memories

of BPD abuse that come flooding back on you, without warning... .


It's happened to me all my life, but has increased dramatically over

the past several years... .


I'll be doing something mundane like vacuuming or washing the dishes,

and then something outrageous that my uBPD mother said/did to me will

come crashing back into my head... .


It happens a lot, too, when I'm alone in the car, driving somewhere... .


... . and I'll begin screaming out loud -- alone in the car -- telling her to

shut up, go to hell, etc.


Do any of you all know of a medication we can take to make this stop?


I've been to counseling, but it hasn't helped.



Take care.

[DaughterInDespair]

Hello everyone!


I wanted to ask you all how you deal with the ugly, painful memories

of BPD abuse that come flooding back on you, without warning... .


It's happened to me all my life, but has increased dramatically over

the past several years... .


I'll be doing something mundane like vacuuming or washing the dishes,

and then something outrageous that my uBPD mother said/did to me will

come crashing back into my head... .


It happens a lot, too, when I'm alone in the car, driving somewhere... .


... . and I'll begin screaming out loud -- alone in the car -- telling her to

shut up, go to hell, etc.


Do any of you all know of a medication we can take to make this stop?


I've been to counseling, but it hasn't helped.



Take care.

[BlueCat]

 

I haven't dealt with it my whole life (just regular old depression) but I did have this happen after my breakthrough crisis a few years ago. I would find myself yelling (usually in my head, sometimes out loud if I was alone) at other people. My heart was racing, my blood pressure went up, I just couldn't stop telling people off. Sometimes I would cry but mostly I'd get so angry I was shaking. I was worried about my physical health at that point because it was just so bad. 

I was put on sedatives for a week which worked but they were not safe for long term use so my psychiatrist switched me to an antidepressant/antianxiety. The uncontrollable stuff didn't come back and the antidepressants helped me to get help. They helped me to clear my thinking and calm down a bit and I was able to do the work of therapy that I needed to do.

So yes, there are drugs that will help but you need to go to a psychiatrist and explain exactly what you are dealing with so she can figure out what to put you on.

I was on mine for a year and a half and then weaned myself off it (with some minor side effects while I weaned but nothing big) and now I'm doing fine just with supplements (mostly vitamin D3). For me, the antidepressants really changed my life and I would do it again in a heartbeat if I thought I needed them.

Hang in there 

[DaughterInDespair]

Thanks, BlueCat!




I guess we have both been experiencing symptoms of

PTSD... .


I'll check into getting myself on some kind of antidepressant,

if possible... .


May I ask which brand worked best for you?


Take care.

[BlueCat]

Mine was Lexapro She first prescribed something else (I can't remember which) but I had heard it caused weight gain and I'm already obese and yes, if I have to choose I will pick mental health over physical but I asked if something else would work instead, so I got this. She thought the other would work better but I'm happy with how the Lexapro worked for me.

I still had to deal with everything though. I get riled up when people talk about how pills are the easy out and they just make you happy all the time and all that bs. I still had to go to therapy, journal, talk to peers, etc. It's just the Lexapro made it so that I wasn't miserable. I honestly wasn't "happy", just not depressed, you know? It's hard to be happy when you're finally facing this kind of truth about your mother (and family).

Now, on the other side of therapy and antidepressants, now I'm happy

Good luck and I hope you find what works for you!

[Sasha026]

Daughter in despair,

Before you run for the Lexapro, may I offer an opinion on this screaming in your head? I do it too. I do it everyday and no one knows. It's become so mundane and ordinary, that it's getting to be a part of my psyche - a part I would love to get rid of.

Yesterday night, I sat down at the computer after a serious mental brawl with my dead husband and there was your post. I thought of answering it last night but I thought that my answer wouldn't make any sense and I should give it some thought before I typed out something stupid.

First, you have to figure out what it is that you want to say to your mother. Oh yeah, is she still with the living or has she passed away? Could you confront her if she was living? Would she accept what you are saying to her? What would you like to say and would it make a difference? I think that sentence is key, would it make a difference? Could you hurt her as much as she's hurt you? Do you just want to hurt her or do you really want her love?

After my husband died and my mother did her usual schtick at his funeral (yes folks, she just couldn't control herself even then), I decided not to have anything to do with her. A few weeks later - she calls me like nothing has happened! No acknowledgement that my husband was dead, no apology, nothing - so I decided that I had nothing to lose. I told her this:

"Mom, you have some nerve calling me after what you did. "She said her usual, "what did I do?" She never remembered anything SHE did wrong. I told her what she did then I added, "You were never there for me, ever. When I was a kid do you remember what you used to say after I came back all bloodied up after the neighborhood bully attacked me? Do you remember? (She would always say) "AND WHAT DID YOU DO?" Like it was my fault that a teenage boy decided to beat the hell out of me (I'm a woman). I told her "all I wanted was your love and support and you spit on me. You blamed me instead of giving me a hug and a kiss. All I wanted was your love and all you could do was blame me - a young girl of seven. And, you were proud of your parenting! You thought this was a great way to parent! Did it ever occur to you that all I wanted was comfort and the warm arms of my mother? Was that too much to ask or did you think your cruelty would make me strong? If I wanted that, I could have joined the service and had a sergeant scream at me. No, I wanted my mother's support, just like now when my husband died. I wanted a shoulder and you couldn't even give that. I'm done with you!"

For the first time, she broke down. She broke down because I got to the truth and the truth is, "Why didn't you love me?" "Was I so disgustingly bad?" "How could you treat me like that?"

So, maybe this post might give you some insight as to what you're yelling in your head. Listen to yourself. What are you saying? Do you want to drown it out with drugs just like she drowned out your voice when you were a child or would you like to hear what you are saying in a clear voice? Break it down.

PS: I never scream at my mother in my head (she's dead now) because after a series of talks, she finally admitted to me that she was a terrible mother. She actually knew it! When she finally sat down and thought about it, it killed her. That's what happens with these psychopaths - when they finally confront the demons, the demons take them.

PPS: I scream at my husband on a weekly basis because I found out a whole bunch of nasty stuff after he died and I have no release... . but, I'm working on it.

[DaughterInDespair]

Hi, Sasha... .   I just now read your post... . I'm replying via my old fashioned mobile phone, so I  hope you'll forgive the 'run-on' writing... .   :-)    Your comments about your mom and your late husband really resonate with me... . And I find the timing of your discovery of my post absolutely amazing... . for both of us... . You had asked if my mother was still living, and she is... . But every time I bring up something she did, she calls me a 'liar' and tells me that I am just 'imagining' things... .   If you ever get a chance, check out a movie called 'I Never Sang for my Father' starring Gene Hackman... . The first and last lines of the movie speak to what we are experiencing right now... .   Love and thanks to you, Sasha, and also to BlueCat, for your help and advice... .

[Sasha026]

D.I.D.,

I'll have to go get that movie. I love movies that resonate and make clear what has happened so that I can watch the movie and it becomes more real to me. Naturally, Mommie Dearest is one of my favorites in that the scrip writer followed me and my mother around for a while and wrote down what my mother said word for word... . it's uncanny. They even dressed Joan (Faye) in the same exact outfits and hats as my mother wore... . scary.

I'm glad I can be of some help with this because it can get maddening. The constant fighting in your head can drive you right up the wall... . it does for me.

That BS about "imagining it" is just that... . BS. Don't let her get away with it. It's also amazing how much you realize once they are gone. So many times I've said to myself, "Why did you put up with all of that? Why didn't you just throw her out and mean it? She could give a enabler about you, why did you think that you owed her something?" Then, there was my husband. He would tell me that I was "imagining it" when I would say, "Why do you always pal around with young girls in your office? Why don't you hire any guys?" Well, the reason was because he was having affairs with them - that's why - and I found out all about it after he died! I wasn't imagining it - yeah right!

You want to know how stupid I was? Once I said to my husband, "Your snoring is keeping me awake - you have to do something about it. I feel like the walking dead!" and he said to me, "I asked around at the office and no one there thinks I snore!" It took me years to figure that one out. What was I doing? Walking around with a bag on my head? (The man snored like a freight train - 25 years of that crappola.)

You hear what you want to hear. You see what you want to see. If you see yourself through these psychopath's eyes, you are always the bad one. Now let me see if I can find that movie!

[survivorof2]

DaughterInDespair:

You said:

I'll be doing something mundane like vacuuming or washing the dishes,

and then something outrageous that my uBPD mother said/did to me will

come crashing back into my head... .

Think about this a minute. You were doing something mundane... . normal... . sane, but the memory of the insanity of the past came to you, right? When that happens to me, first of all I think how thankful I am to have the FREEDOM to do mundane, normal sane things    and then I remind myself that the person who caused the past insanity in my life is no longer in my life (9 years NC and counting). Also that I know the difference now between sane and insane behavior... . that's not my normal anymore.

It also helps to talk about it with other people so you are not bearing the memories alone. Talk about it until it seems less threatening to you.

[P.F.Change]

Flashbacks are definitely a symptom of PTSD. I looked at the symptoms of PTSD (complex-PTSD in particular) and felt they fit my experiences. Because  I had heard so many others recommend it, I Iooked for a new T who specializes in trauma and is certified in EMDR. She agreed that EMDR might be beneficial. It has truly helped so much, in ways the CBT never quite did (but CBT was still useful for me in other ways). In reality the goal is very similar, but the method different.

There are articles on EMDR here on this site. I also read more and found my T using emdria.org. It may be something you would like to look into.

Wishing you peace,

PF

[Sasha026]

Flashbacks are definitely a symptom of PTSD. I looked at the symptoms of PTSD (complex-PTSD in particular) and felt they fit my experiences. Because  I had heard so many others recommend it, I Iooked for a new T who specializes in trauma and is certified in EMDR. She agreed that EMDR might be beneficial. It has truly helped so much, in ways the CBT never quite did (but CBT was still useful for me in other ways). In reality the goal is very similar, but the method different.

There are articles on EMDR here on this site. I also read more and found my T using emdria.org. It may be something you would like to look into.

Wishing you peace,

PF

Just an added note to P.F. Change. My therapist does EMDR for my PTSD and it works! The last visit was for the day he died to take the sting out of the day and bring me some peace. Then, James Gandalfini died that same day (he didn't look like my husband, but in attitude, they could have been twins) in the same way and the horrible memories started all over again. It's as though my husband died twice but believe it or not, it didn't effect me the same way.

EMDR really works because it derails the trauma response. Don't ask me how two little buzzy things can do that, but they do. I still get the nightmares and the flashbacks, but they don't slam me to the ground the way they used to. It is getting better - not great, but better. You should ask your therapist to do it. It helps.