After Nc?

[eclectic]

Have anyone of you guys reached to your BPDex that you was not over, say after like months?  How long was it, and did you get back together for a short period of time when you did?  I know everyone advise against it, but you only live once, and feel the need to just tell my BPD ex that I still do care about her.  I am ok with not having a bf/gf relationship with her, but I would just like to let her know that I do care for her and wandered how she was doing.  Has anyone done this?  I am already familiar with the don't do it speech, I just want to know if anyone experienced this, and were they ok, after getting it off their chest.

[fromheeltoheal]

No, I have not done that, kept complete NC.  My thoughts are my motivation for doing that would be to get some validation, but I never got validation in the relationship, so why would she give it to me now?  Also, granted my feelings were mixed and leaving her was very difficult, so a recycle would be possible, and I ain't going there.

I read somewhere here the other day that think about how she was at the end of the relationship, not at the beginning.  It can be easy to forget the bad and remember the good, to paint a rosy picture of the past, and we really liked them in the beginning yes?  But the end was bad enough for me to leave and never want to see her again, and I need to remember that.

[expos]

I did.  It did not go well.  AT ALL. 

I saw her in person and I tried to come at her at angle of being friendly and offering support... . and telling her that I still cared even though I ended the relationship.

The result:

Even four months after the split... . the anger was still prevalent. 

I advise you, if you want to do this, wear some very thick skin.  It has the possibility of being ugly.

[Faded]

Have anyone of you guys reached to your BPDex that you was not over, say after like months?  How long was it, and did you get back together for a short period of time when you did?  I know everyone advise against it, but you only live once, and feel the need to just tell my BPD ex that I still do care about her.  I am ok with not having a bf/gf relationship with her, but I would just like to let her know that I do care for her and wandered how she was doing.  Has anyone done this?  I am already familiar with the don't do it speech, I just want to know if anyone experienced this, and were they ok, after getting it off their chest.

How would you approach doing this?

What would you expect to gain?

Being honest with yourself, why do you want to?

How do you expect the ex to react?

How would you like the situation to go?

Through past experience, how will  the reality of this turn out?





My personal experince is that there was no validation from the ex when i expressed my feelings. It was all about her and i guess at the time, i was all about me.

I think in the midst of the smokescreen of it all its easy to forget our own needs and wants due to the emotional instability that beholds us, the uncertainty ahead of us and the lack of truth from the past.

I guess you could say there is no right or wrong in what we choose to do to heal, each step positive or negative will eventually lead us all, hopefully, to a healthier us and a more positive self eventually.

There is no timeline to healing with these kind of traumatic experiences, we take our own steps at our own pace and eventually we get where we need to be along with a good dose of acceptance amongst other things.

Eventually it does become more about us, naturally.

[fromheeltoheal]

Eventually it does become more about us, naturally.

[xenia]

Hi eclectic,

I'd like to preface my comments by saying I've never dated a person with BPD. I stumbled upon these boards because a friend (who I wanted to be the big sister I never had) exhibited many BPD traits, and learning about other people's experience with certain behaviors has really helped me put things in perspective.

My friend gave the silent treatment a lot, and after I decided I had enough I went "no contact". It was very difficult for me, and the conversation I had with her prior to going "no contact" was one that didn't sit well with me because it felt like unfinished business. I like closure, or at least I always try to get it in my relationships. When the other person doesn't give it to me, I "make" it myself. So five months after deciding to go "no contact", I sent my friend a "goodbye" email. I didn't actually say goodbye, but I told her that I loved her and she'd always have a place in my heart. I was ready to let go at the point I sent the e-mail, so I didn't care whether she responded or not. I did, however, mentally prepare myself in case she DID respond... . and she did. I was extremely guarded in my communications with her. She was never one to admit when she was wrong, opting to simply pretend things didn't happen, and she tried to rope me back in again but I wouldn't let her. When I say "rope me back in", I'm referring to her version of extending the olive branch, which is to act like things had been normal preceding my e-mail. Although in the early stages I thought she did certain things on purpose, I now believe it's just her way of coping. She isn't trying to be mean, but some of her actions definitely are. Unlike many of you, I was warned about her. I was told she was "not right", but I shrugged the person off because I figured they were being nasty because the two of them had a falling out. But it soon became clear that they weren't joking, and I was determined to prove them wrong. I wasn't going to lose my sister. I'd waited my whole life for that sisterly connection and I wasn't going to lose it because my "sister" was a bit difficult. I was going to work around it.

Anyway, I say all this to say... . my situation is different. I was not romantically involved with the suspected BPD person in my life. I hurt... . and I hurt BADLY (still do sometimes) but detaching may be a bit easier for me. I did things that don't qualify as "no contact", like check social media. For me, taking "no contact" to that extreme didn't work. To have someone you love stop talking to you for no apparent reason is devastating, and I needed to know she was "there" in some respect. Yes, it prolongs healing but I am healing. I don't check as much as I used to and my interest in doing so is waning. I couldn't handle quitting cold turkey. Deciding not to contact her again was hard enough. Being able to "check up" on her is a part of my healing process... . kinda like a long goodbye. It works for me. You have to decide what works for you.

I do agree with everyone who says over and over that if your motivation for reaching out is to secretly start the relationship again--don't do it. I am happy I sent my email. My friend did start the silent treatment again, but I mentally prepared for it. It was important for me to let her know that I love her and she will always be special to me. So if anything happens to either one of us, I don't won't have that weighing on my heart (because it absolutely, positively will). So my form of "no contact" doesn't include erasing every trace of the person but loving at a distance... . which is what I was told to do in the first place. It takes me a long time to let go, but when I get there I stay.

Do what you feel in your heart is best.