Wanna Move On
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 74
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« on: June 15, 2013, 09:15:08 AM » |
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(My second posting.)
I am sick of being weak, pathetic and passive, wimpy, cowardly and avoidant, non-driven, non-disciplined and reactive (as opposed to pro-active)! Those are ultimately MY choices, MY personal failings!!
If my BPDx can have positive, inverse versions of those personal and professional qualities in spades, SO CAN I!
Even though she is a VERY attractive, brilliant (Masters Degree from Columbia U), balletically-trained, uber-seductive, acting-in, multiply-comorbidly-diagnosed BPD Waif who is capable of disintegrating in her personal life -- she is simultaneously a VERY high functioning, uber-disciplined, highly driven, coldly calculating, self-starting, "ultra-strong" superwoman in her professional life and in dispassionate-type environments. The dichotomy is mind-blowingly stunning! (In a way it is very inspiring actually!)
Yes, certain personal conditions and circumstances are determined by factors beyond our control. (BPDx didn't choose to be born into an elite, hypercompetative Manhattan family while, tragically, suffering years of early childhood sexual abuse from her evil/sociopathic/pedophilaic father of high social standing [from approximately 5-yrs-old to approximately 10 or 11-yrs-old, all with the full indifferent complicity of her envious, competative BPD/Narcissistic status-conscious, externals-only, partying mother] AND THEN being forced to secretly hide the immense shame, powerlessness and self-loathing she felt in suffering it all. She didn't choose the silence-fuelled shame and humiliation that was compelled upon her from early childhood by abominably evil parents in their utterly dysfunctional attempt to maintain the illusion/delusion of a perfect High Society family.)
While I know she has been diagnosed years back (she is in early/mid 30s) and meets all current criteria for a spectrum version of BPD, multiply diagnosed with numerous Axis I, II and IV comorbidities (too numerous to list here!); I simultaneously know that she is perfectly capable of multiply compartmentalizing unfathomable aspects and degrees of herself, her history, and her galactic-sized black hole of never ending neediness. And she can do so while being ultra-seductive! I also know that while she can drive herself with incredibly detached discipline to excel publicly and professionally, appearing to be an external paragon of perfection, she can just as easily disintegrate in her personal, private life -- to the point of near-suicidality.
I further realize that she is choosing through the contextual filters of coldly professional, highly detached, almost-robotically calculated cognition, to meet all external (societal, cultural and parental) expectations vis-a-vis a potential spouse.[/u][/color]
Circumstantial evidence overwhelmingly suggests from the outside (and I have no more direct contact with her, though a couple of people I know, do) that she is rushing into marriage (4-weeks from now) out of near-pathological envy for her 5-years-junior younger sister's end-of-summer long-term engaged/long-term planned High Society, Hamptons wedding. For BPDx to STILL be single on fateful day of younger, societally-adored, highly successful sister's wedding to son of similarly prominent familywould be a stressor of such magnitude (involving comparisions between the two siblings) that it would invite near-suicidal social shame on internally hyper-fragile BPDx.
So while it looks like she will seal the deal with her own "acceptable" High Society-type, I cannot believe it is based on anything resembling real love. Again -- considering her hypersexuality, lack of scruples, immense/intense drive, complete self- and status-consciousness, near-complete lack of empathy, indescribable internal fragility, virtually pathological envy of younger sis (all within context of cutthroat, superficially-driven, materialistic, judgemental, socially-conscious "polite" Manhattan/Hamptons High Society) -- I would not doubt "accidental" pregnancy is involved. She MUST be married to societally "acceptable" husband by younger sister's end-of-summer wedding date! [/b]
Yes, I know she has fallen into what is in all probability a faux, idealizing love and is rushing into marriage to acquire the social equivalent of a "beard" to publicly mask her long-term private fragilities on/by/for the day of her younger sister's wedding. And, yes, I know that while she may believe she is in love, I "know" that her dominant, driving emotion/fear is the motivation to acquire a societally "acceptable" cover to mask what she believes to be her personal and professional failings -- in pathologically envious and highly competative contrast to what she (and outside others) perceive as her younger sister's personal and professional successes relative to her.
Will it last? Will she be happy? Does she in any way give a hit about the guy? Or does merely see him as an impersonal object in a calculated attempt to mitigate her own intense and pathological need gratifications vis-a-vis her sister's upcoming wedding? Who knows?
The point is, I have professional and personal/social opportunities potentially available to me if I could get off my pathetic, weak, pity-pot, and instead CHOOSE to take massive action on my own.
In the context of favorable or unfavorable circumstances, we can choose to be weak or strong. We can choose to be active or inactive. We can choose our mental and emotional states. We can choose to seek to elevate ourselves. We can choose to all-out try to change our circumstances, create new outcomes and open new social and relational doors. Weakness, passivity and codependency are decisions. (Yes, I am referring to myself.)
Yes, she is moving on from me and that is painful. It is painful because I feel I am being left behind. That I am degraded by comparision. That I am disposable and superfluous. (Again, no codependency issues on my part, eh?) It is painful because her impending marriage forced me to realize I had allowed myself to become "stuck" in an illusion and it forced me to recognize my own personal and professional failures.
I realize that I have the choice to remain "stuck" on the fantasy of a seemingly externally perfect woman.
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