i hate her wagging finger

[rise_up]

my mind is dwindling into a downward spiral. even though my uBPD mom is thousands of miles way from me... . i still feel paralyzed by her words.

my previous posts give the background- but i came out as lesbian to my uBPD mom and my dad 6 weeks ago when they visited from overseas. the BPD traits came out full force and i was able to connect the dots about my mom.

they went back home this past weekend. i made the very scary choice of completely coming out on Facebook. my parents are my FB friends. i got an email from my mom, cc'ing my dad and older brother.

"i was terribly upset and devastated to see that message flashing on facebook. you need to explain yourself and i hope it has been removed by now. Love u, mom"

this email has been hanging over my head for a few days now and i just see that wagging finger of hers, punishing me and reprimanding me and then ending it with 'love u'. i have not responded yet and i feel terrible that i haven't. i dont want to pacify her, but i dont want to come across as rigid and uncaring either. i have a lump in my throat that is saying it will be only go away if i respond to the email.

my rational side knows what to say, "im sorry that this is difficult for you to accept. but this is my process and i hope you can respect it. im not going to remove it."

but my insides are jangling with anxiety at the ramifications.

[nomom4me]

I suggest looking at your facebook privacy settings, there is a option called "restricted" where all posts to friends do NOT get broadcast to everyone on your friend list, restricted friends see only universal (public) posts and stuff like profile and background pictures. Restricted friends cannot post on my wall.  I reluctantly added all family to this list, I never know when someone will mention something they saw on facebook to my mom. I also have a friend list that is LGBT friendly, so when I post pictures of my LGBT friends they are not broadcast to the conservatives I went to high school with. 

You already came out to your mother, she is obsessing.  If she is anything like my mom, expressing disapproval is (in her head) how she shows she cares.  This is why I am on limited contact with my mom, and only do consecutive contact.  I made this decision after years of letters and emails about my "lifestyle choices" and I have no intention of adding her to facebook - my mother has never said or written anything that I would like to share with my network of friends and colleagues.  She is going through a period of facebook obsession and it's put a huge strain on all family contact, I'm hoping she gets over it - it's not something I am open to discussing with her.

Go for a run, get a manicure, take on a new project... . do whatever you need to do to get her wagging finger out of your head.

[GeekyGirl]

I really like what your rational side has to say.  What you put on your Facebook wall is yours, and this is a boundary that you can set with your parents. nomom4me is right--there are things that you can do to control who can see your FB page.

It's clear that your parents are having a difficult time accepting that you're a lesbian, but to do anything just to appease them is really taking away from who you are. The issue of acceptance is theirs--not yours. You're a very strong person, but I know that this has to be painful, and you probably feel like you're stuck between a rock and a hard place. In your parents' culture, is there anywhere they can go or anyone they can talk to about this? Do they know anyone with a LGBT child, or is there support for parents of LGBT children in their country?

Even as adults, we want our parents' approval and to avoid that wagging finger. It's very hard to break away from that desire. What you're doing now is very healthy, though. You'll emerge from this an even stronger and more fulfilled person.   

[Up In the Air]

Wow, the false guilt that BPD parents put on their children can have such painful, freezing effects. It is so easy to get swept away in emotions and feel like a child again being punished. But you're not. You are an individual, an adult, you are strong, you have a right to be respected, and you owe NO ONE an explanation.

I know that parents can have a hard time with acceptance of a LGBT son or daughter. I agree with GeekyGirl, that a support group of some kind could help them come to terms with it and hopefully assist in how they treat you.

What your rational side has to say is perfect. It's assertive and firm, but not insulting or cruel. Try calming your anxiety by replying and then doing something that nomom4me suggested... . get your mom out of your mind by doing something else. Taking care of YOU is the best thing you can do for this situation right now. Stressing about it will change nothing. Surround yourself with love, supportive people, and good vibes.