Disappointed in myself

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I'm coming up on the 4 month line since my break up and have been total nc the entire time. The thing is, I still feel very attached to her. I think about her all the time. I am angry, I miss her and I have a tremendous amount of guilt over what happened. Apparently at some point when I was out last night I had said to a friend that I am "dealing with a break up". I don't know the context of the convo, but he mentioned it later and he said he was surprised that I'm still processing it. It wasn't intentional on his part, but it made me feel crazy and pathetic.

I don't expect to hear from her again, and somehow I have to get over this intense shame and overwhelming sense of loss. Basically, my friend thinks I should try to meet other women, but it is difficult when she is still the only person I think about in that way. Being here and in therapy makes me feel okay about taking my time with this, but at the same time feeling this pressure to move on forces to me to realize that she is really gone. It's painful just typing that. I don't know how I should feel. I still wish on a daily basis that I would hear from her. I don't know how to move on and be okay with all of this. I thought she'd be in my life forever, and somehow I have to face the fact that she isn't in my life at all anymore.

[LosingIt2]

I'm coming up on the 4 month line since my break up and have been total nc the entire time. The thing is, I still feel very attached to her. I think about her all the time. I am angry, I miss her and I have a tremendous amount of guilt over what happened. Apparently at some point when I was out last night I had said to a friend that I am "dealing with a break up". I don't know the context of the convo, but he mentioned it later and he said he was surprised that I'm still processing it. It wasn't intentional on his part, but it made me feel crazy and pathetic.

I don't expect to hear from her again, and somehow I have to get over this intense shame and overwhelming sense of loss. Basically, my friend thinks I should try to meet other women, but it is difficult when she is still the only person I think about in that way. Being here and in therapy makes me feel okay about taking my time with this, but at the same time feeling this pressure to move on forces to me to realize that she is really gone. It's painful just typing that. I don't know how I should feel. I still wish on a daily basis that I would hear from her. I don't know how to move on and be okay with all of this. I thought she'd be in my life forever, and somehow I have to face the fact that she isn't in my life at all anymore.

[Rose Tiger]

This is not a normal break up.  These relationships tie into deep childhood core wounds.  They soothe those unmet needs of unconditional love in the beginning and then rip them open with a sharp stick at the ending.  That's what needs addressing and healing.  That's why so many of us find counseling with a good therapist helpful.

Some things need addressed that are much more than a break up.  Good on you for keeping NC, any contact can set you back because this person feels like the cure but they are triggers now and more salt on the wound.

[xenia]

I'd try not to allow friends and family to influence my healing process. Everyone is different, and for some, two months may be enough to move on but for others, that signals the beginning stages of healing. Keep in mind that pwBPD are not the only one who jump into relationships. The term "rebound relationship" is not exclusive to them. So some of the people who are giving you advice may also have unhealthy ways of coping with loss. People--in general--do not like to be alone. It's scary. So we keep all types of things and people around as comfort. We're not being malicious by doing so and we're not intentionally using them... . but we are afraid of being alone with our own thoughts.

As I said in another thread, my situation is different from most people because I was not romantically involved with the person I suspect has BPD. I knew her for a few years before we started becoming closer friends, so I'd say we were "friends" for maybe a year. My initial phase of "no contact" was for 5 months. I initiated contact after that... . and it was sporadic until she started giving the silent treatment again. This was about 2 months after I re-established contact. I went "no contact" again for two months, and I tried one final time to meet up with her before throwing in the towel. I needed to do it for me so I knew that I'd exhausted all options and knew for certain I did my best. A healthier person would have quit long before then, but when I make a decision to walk away it's pretty final, so I needed to make sure I was making the right decision.

The worst period--for me--was that initial 5-month period. I was in horrible shape. Each time after that, "no contact" hurt a little less, because I mentally prepared myself for her non-reaction; I knew what to expect. For others, breaking "no contact" puts them in worse shape. Don't be hard on yourself. I don't even discuss this friendship with people because I know they wouldn't understand why I was so attached to this person; why it wasn't easy to walk away "make new friends". So I don't think 4 months is a lot of time AT ALL when you were romantically involved with someone. There are a lot more layers there. Take the time you need. If you should listen to anyone, it should be a therapist. He or she is objective and will be able to steer you in a different direction if you are stuck for too long.

[Bananas]

Hey LosingIt, I just wanted to say I know how you feel.  I feel all of those things too.  Being on this site and in therapy is helping me too but I get the same things from my friends and family, trying to fix me up and encouraging me to go on dates.  Yeah I feel crazy and pathetic for not being over it. 

Honestly the thought of being with anyone else makes me sick to my stomach.  And at the same time I know I can't be with my ex.  I am just hoping things get better with time.

Don't know how to fix it, just wanted you to know you are not alone.   

[winston72]

I am so thankful for this board.  LosingIt and Bananas, you express the emotions and the life condition so perfectly.  Thank you.  You put words to my state of being.  And the commentary and insight from the others is so helpful.  I am regularly encouraged to know that many others... . many, many, many!... . have walked this path, experienced so many similar things and landed in places of health and fulfillment.

[mango_flower]

If it makes you feel better, I'm at the 7 month stage and still have days where I cry myself to sleep missing her so much. I don't miss who she is now, I miss who I thought she was - a mirage. I miss our happy days together.

But I do have times where I see the light at the end of the tunnel.

So hey - if you're disappointed in yourself, then I guess I'm just as rubbish hehe 

Everyone has their own timescale and way of processing xxx

[Clearmind]

Its very true these r/s are not like an “ordinary” break-up and not only do they trigger our partners abandonment trauma they can also trigger ours. The pain we feel, the despair and shame and blame we carry is our own abandonment trauma playing out. In time we begin to realize that we are not hooked on our ex so much as we are grieving our past.

Until we begin to open that door into why we are hooked we hang onto a mix of denial and hope – these two feelings really are at odds with one another and keep us attached, on a fanciful level to an abuser.

You do need to take your time – you are healing from some life long patterns. Shaming yourself into getting it quick only reinforces your own feelings about yourself my friend – be kind to you – nothing good happens from squashing our emotions and unfortunately or fortunately pain comes with growth.

Disappointment is usually a mix of anger, hurt and sadness - what are you angry about? where is the hurt? Its OK to feel sad - let the emotions out.

Healing is not linear and you will move back and forth between the stages of grieving until one day you realize you don't think about them as much. Its crucial you carry on with your life and create new memories for yourself - being hyper focussed on your ex will cause you pain.

Not only was that not your life anymore – your future looks a whole lot brighter for you having met a Borderline.

[danley]

No need to feel disappointed in yourself.

Sometimes people feel disappointed because they wish the pain and hurt would completely be gone and done with but... .

Everybody processes and heals at different rates. Factor into the equation that each relationship is different too... . unique with it's own dynamics.

Just like Bananas, my friends tried setting me up days after my breakup. I was not interested.

Other friends think it's easier to just tell him to eff off and make his life hell and get back at him.

But I need to do what best suits my personality and needs. Im the one who has to process and heal from the relationship NOT anybody else.

Heal at your own pace but try to keep pressing forward.

[Changed4safety]

Once I started coming out of the FOG I was deeply ashamed and embarrassed that I had allowed myself to stay and endure such abuse.  I stayed with someone who cheated on me over a dozen times, who broke my things when he got upset, who screamed at me, who refused to get a job and let me support him to near-destruction financially, who choked me... . three time... .

Mortification!  And my friends could see it--some of them left because they didn't like him, and who I was becoming.  Others stayed, bless them, and literally helped me leave.

I now realize that the grip he had on me was so much more than just a live-in boyfriend--I was looking to him to fix my relationship with my mom, and for him to protect me like my Dad had.  When my father passed away a year and a half ago that just completely destroyed me.  But it also gave me the strength to leave after a few months.

It's not a "relationship," it's more of a "kidnapping of the soul".  Like Stockholm Syndrome, it's a trauma bond.  No one gets it, really, unless they have experienced it--even loving friends.  Tell well meaning friends if they bring it up that you're "good where you are right now."  Because you are.   

[snappafcw]

I also know how you all feel my ex left me back in January now and I still feel the mess. I'm scared to date anyone, trust someone or get close to someone. Although I don't want her back anymore I still feel like I have a long way to go to get past this baggage she has left (on top what I already had of course)

They say we shouldn't call ourselves victims and I agree to that to an extent that is no way to live your life or we would be just like them. However even though we have our own issues to deal with we don't deserve this. not any of it. Most of us are really good people who got repaid with being used, abused and cheating. If thats not being victimised I don't know what is.

[Changed4safety]

I am OK with thinking of myself as a victim from the "don't blame the victim" staNPDoint.   I am trying not to blame myself for being "stupid" enough to be victimized.  I had my own issues which led me on some level to seek this out.  I think the problem lies when we fall into a "helpless" victim role.  My experience was the final lesson from the universe I needed to learn for years... . I'm pretty sure I've gotten it now.  I may have been victimized--taken advantage of, used, shown hurt when I showed love--but I am not a victim NOW.   

[LosingIt2]

Thanks everyone for your reassuring comments.

Like I said, it helps when there are others who can relate. Logically I know the healing process involves some pain. Maybe the fact that we broke up last year, she hurt me in a very BPD kind of way (cheating, lying, blaming, setting me up for failure over and over again, never really apologizing), and then I took her back. Of course, we broke up again. Her way of ending it this time was even colder and more heartless than the last.

Clearmind, your way of breaking down the underlying emotions behind feeling disappointed really hits the mark. Honestly, I'm more angry with myself than with my ex. Most mornings recently I've been waking up feeling like I'm the really screwed up one. Somehow I believe she's handling all of this better than I am, mostly because I'm living with all kinds of regret and I'm sure she comforts herself by just telling herself that her poor actions were simply in response to me and the fact that we just "don't work together". Never mind that she basically refused to put any work into our relationship 4 years into it.

Actually, it's the complete injustice that's really keeping me stuck I think.

[Clearmind]

LosingIt2, I went through all those emotions and thoughts you feel and speak of - completely normal.

Most mornings recently I've been waking up feeling like I'm the really screwed up one. Somehow I believe she's handling all of this better than I am, mostly because I'm living with all kinds of regret

Shame is a hard one to process. And while we believe that they are to blame for our shame they are not. We in fact develop these feelings of shame when we are quite young. For me, I was told all kinds of negative things as a child "No wonder you are failing school (I wasn't)", "You have put on too much weight (I was about 110 pounds)", "Why can't you be more like x,y,z" - I think you get the picture. Shame can be a very healthy emotion if used correctly.

Firstly, acknowledge that shame and where it sits for you and turn the thoughts of criticism of yourself into something postive - collect some data in your mind, write it down about the times you have achieved and were proud of yourself - begin to move away from this thought that she is shaming you - she has her own major issues to contend with. Question your thoughts but don't bash yourself with them. Shame has a mentoring role to check in “really, are you sure?” Are you sure you to blame for her being BPD! Don’t bank your worth on a disordered person.

Anger and shame help to shape your sense of self/worth (which may well be lacking at this time  ) - you are alive and if you listen you will learn so much about yourself  .

We can be our own worst critic instead of showing ourselves kindness and compassion.

hit__

If you are a caring and compassionate person we will all hit our own version of rock bottom at some stage of our natural life. It’s amazing how much we can learn from these moments. Up until now its likely you have had your head in the sand a little. Dating a BPD really is a huge jolt that we need to mend some of our ways.

I can understand you feeling angry with yourself. Anger is an emotion that is very misunderstood - good clarity comes from anger and it’s a necessary part of grieving. For me as a child I was not permitted anger (my father had strong BPD traits) so feeling that anger towards my ex felt strange and disappointing: "Clearmind must see the good in everyone" "Clearmind should not have left a man who was in desperate need of fixing" and yes that one about injustice "All things should be just and fair".

Unfortunately all things are not just and fair and we need to face and process the emotions around this sadness and hurt that is masked by disappointment.

The crux of a BPD relationship is that you both were not on equal footing. Therefore BPD or not this union probably was not a good fit for you. You had high expectations from a person who was disordered - who cannot and can never give you what you want.

Unfortunately this creates a cycle - a cycle of conflict - where you both not getting your needs met (for different reasons), your expectations of each other are high and neither of you are getting anything = resentment, push/pull and ultimately gross incompatibility.

See my friend this is not about what you did or didn't do - it was about choice and living with the choice that you chose a person who was not compatible with what you want. We cannot force a person to do what we want - that is asking something of her she cannot give - because she is disordered.

Please don't be disappointed and angered at your choice of partner (at that time) - she came into your life for a reason - so you can find what you do want - because she is not it - something in your past has maybe told you to handle it regardless, stick it out for the greater good and don't have needs because others need more.

You got lost in the BPD maze for a while - it’s called enmeshment - you will find your way if you keep digging.

All the best

[LosingIt2]

Sucks. I was with another person who I think suffered from BPD before my most recent gf. I really loved this one. I think we would have been even better if she could have conquered her issues. I truly believe that, and mourn the destruction. I thought I became better after my previous relationship, my initial response to the break down was better. I still lost myself. I suppose it's inevitable. She was special though. They are still people, with individual characteristics. I was discerning, yet not. Maybe not a lot of people on here can relate to that. Her humor was real and her intelligence, she was beautiful. Maybe it's easier to try to forget that. I won't be dishonest. Still, I lost to the disorder... . where to draw the line. Who knows.

[danley]

LosingIt2,

I don't disagree that your ex was special. I too think of all the good rather than bad. I believe underneath all the symptoms is a great guy who's broken and never took the time to work on himself. And I don't know what kins of support he received from his previous relationships or with family. I know he actually has to admit he has a problem first and I don't think he ever truly opened up about it to anyone. Despite the drama there are many things about him that I know to be real. Like yours, mine is knowledable and beautiful. Idk where things stand for us or what's going on in his mind. I just know that I do miss the man I loved. I don't know where the line is for him. But for me, I think right now I'm too tired to fight. Too drained to care about him and his issues. I don't want to be this way. But right now I'm on a BPD break.

[Clearmind]

Still, I lost to the disorder... . where to draw the line. Who knows.

The line is drawn well before you feel like a remnant of your old self - worth exploring as to why you feel you lost to the disorder.

[LosingIt2]

Oh I totally disagree with myself, by the way. She was also rude, inconsiderate, demanding and plain old cruel. I hate it when I get sappy like that. She is smart and funny and pretty. I know she isn't the only person in the world with those qualities, and plenty of them don't exhibit all the horrors of BPD.