Why is it that pwBPD's are to logically unable to reason out consequeces...

[WonderingWhat]

This is something I don't understand: What is meant by diminished executive function (poor executive control)?

Although my GF isn't into calculus, I did manage at one point to convince her to try to get her high school diploma - she had never finished high school. And many jobs today require a high school diploma. It was the first thing she actually carried through on to the end - a Grade 10 Biology class. I helped her, bought her the textbook she needed, made up flash cards, quizzed her at random times during the day; we'd often laugh and well... she got through it! She did better than I expected.

But then she gave up on the idea of carrying on toward the diploma.

She can look after her bills for the most part, but she will spend money as if it grew on trees. Shoes, coats, purses, clothing - she has a closet so full of clothes (and it's a large closet) that there was no room for my 8 shirts. The coat closet is also quite large - but it's filled with coats (she has 10 winter coats and wants more).

When her house sold, the resulting amount after splitting it with her ex - she ended up with over 100,000.00 in cash. It was gone in six months. She wouldn't take any advice from me (actually accused me of wanting the money for myself which was absolutely not true) about savings accounts or registered retirement accounts and after the accusation about me wanting her money, refused the suggestion of seeing a financial advisor.

She planned to buy books on financial management that Oprah recommended - but she never followed through on that either.

I have ended up helping her out many times with bills such as her cell phone, utilities, rent, telephone, groceries, etc. when she was in a bind - she knew she needed to get a job but she did no looking for jobs other than a few applications into grocery stores. She did "luck out" on a part time job - but the pay and hours she gets is no where close to covering basic living expenses.

So now she has decided to move three Provinces away where she thinks she will have more "opportunity." It's just going to fall into her lap. But even her moving plans are ridiculous and short sighted.

I've stopped the enabling and am no longer helping her out. Even after this past week's breakup, after discovering her rent check bounced,  I still felt love for her and concern, and made efforts to get a replacement check for this month's rent to her landlord even though I cannot really afford it.

After talking with her on the phone that evening (not a single thank you or any sense of appreciation - I wasn't expecting much - but even a "Thank you So Much" would have been nice) and hearing her slag my family, slag me, and then tell me she had plans to "go out" this weekend, that was enough for me. I put a stop payment on the check.  

I told her in a business like way that I had done so, in order for there to be no surprises for her or her landlord. I told her I just could not afford to look after her and that she would have to find a way to cover the rent on her own.

Her response? A text message telling me that "For the first time in her life she could admit to being afraid of someone. Never contact me again."

This is a woman that is turning 50 in a couple of months.

The thing is too - I helped her get the apartment in the first place, and even though we had planned that "probably" we would live in it together, she insisted that my name NOT be on the Lease. Due to her circumstances at the time, she was unable to view apartments that were available for rent - so I took a week off of my business - every day, driving around, making appointments, taking photos so she could see what the available apartments looked like, provided her with my feedback, and when we settled on this one (not my first choice - too small for two people), I paid the security deposit and provided MY personal and business references to the landlord.

Why did I do it all? Why, why, why?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[isilme]

WonderingWhat,

You love(d) her and have been hoping, like many of us, that if you only did 'enough' she'd see how much you care and return even just a tenth of the effort to show you how much she cares for you.

But she is ill, and cannot, without a lot of work and a willingness to do some soul searching, be the partner you were hoping for.  She wants someone to take care of her when she wants, to whom she has no obligations.

My uBPD BF is like this in some respects, but I have managed to dial back my impulse to 'save the day' over the years and have allowed him to fall on his face where it'd only hurt him, not gt us evicted or arrested, etc.  As such, it's taken time, but he is sloowly coming around to admitting (even if only as lip service) that he's the reason for many of his own problems, like how he quit school and gave up and is now paying on a loan he'd ignored for about a decade for a degree he never got.  This is his first semester back i school while trying to hold onto a FT job.  I'm kinda scared, as we can't make it with just my income, my job is having budget issues and is not secure, and on really bad days he pulls the whole, "I'm going to leave everything and just walk away, backpack across the country, I don't need this I'd be better off living on the street in a big city" talk.  Thinking back, my BPD parents had similar discussions about how we'd live when they'd messed up paying the rent ("Isilme can shower at school, we can live in the mini van for a while", and that was pretty scarey, to think we'd have no home and at the time I believed it was because I was too expensive to feed and clothe. 

My BPD mother has made several decisions like WonderingWhat has described, in addition to having damaging behaviors like drug abuse and shop lifting.  She simply cannot see or admit there are consequences to your actions, one of which may be your adult daughter no longer talking to you.  I was her caretaker as a kid, so letting her go make her own mistakes is ahrd, like I've let my troubled teenage daughter of 60+ years old go off into the world.   But she was trapping me in the quagmire of her debt and obligations, and I can't take care of her anymore.

PD(?) dad is scarier, as he seems much more deliberate and pre meditative in his 'schemes' - I honestly believe he married my step mom for her credit rating, may have murdered a pet of mine because it was a hinderance to us moving in with step mom, etc.  He seems to exhibt some BPD-ish traits, but I'm starting to think he has something else going on in there.  Executive function is not his main problem, unless marrying my mom counts. 

[Happiest]

This makes perfect sense to me. My executive functions have been "out of order" for the duration of my relationship with a potential BP.

I do feel though that with my search for answers and eventual stumbling upon this forum, the bigger perspective has forced me to review my own habits and understand that I have been a willing participant and "dance partner".

I believe that this is why many refer to their experience as an important component in their own journey's as ultimately, with improved understanding, we become better people in our own right and learn the value of executive control.

Anyone who, in hindsight, regrets their involvement with a person who demonstates these behaviours is unfortunately missing this opportunity for personal growth.

I understand that this question was asked in the context of the person with the disorder, I am simply suggesting that we can take on this characteristic when enmeshed as well.

wow, I love that thesis. It works. I must admit , my ability to get my work done and be the best that I can has been diminished while in this relationship and when I was married to my ex UBPDH. When I'm on my own, I'm oon fire and achieving great things (for me). But I dont like to be on own. and I'd rather learn to be greater by getting a handle on this issue and the best of both worlds.

[sillychick]

ozzy, i like the way you use your experience with a difficult person you love or loved as an opportunity for growth.  i have done this with my past relationships and i see my husband becoming a better partner since we've married as he takes the patience to get to know me and is compassionate of what makes me tick.  he has used this an opportunity for growth and i am so proud of him for it.

[vivekananda]

My d31 left her stressful job not long after a 4 week holiday overseas in Thailand. She loved it there and decided that she wanted to open a bar on the beach there. She had no money, no experience. She said she needed to go back and do research. When I suggested she just go to the embassy and ask about visas, she hit the roof... .or course.

About a month after she left the job, she returned to Thailand for 6 weeks. She did borrow some money to do this. Of course, there was no looking for work in the intervening time.

When she returned, deciding that the bar wasn't such a good idea, she began to apply for jobs, one at a time. Because she had a high sense of her value in the workforce. She would apply for a job, thinking she would get it. When she didn't she would hit the slough of despondency.

This went on for over a year. She had casual jobs in that time, and thought they would become permanent, but they didn't. By this time her behaviours had become more challenging. It's been over two years now since she has had a 'proper' job. She is right down the bottom there, digging into her hole as much as she can and blaming the world (and especially me) for her problems.

I used to explain to myself that she decided upon a goal and then set about going in the opposite direction, didn't know about executive fuctions then... .

[Forgetmenot]

This can be one of the most confusing things to me.  Sometimes they can function in higher order.  Other times the same task is overwhelming.  This executive function seems to come and go.

If I had a choice whether or not to be in a relationship with someone with BPD- for example- someone I was dating.  I would chose to leave.

Not so easy to leave a child but I am for once feeling confident that with all the help, feedback and resource on this forum I may be able to create a loving distance with my d17 gradually over the next few years and find the courage to keep myself from bailing her out.

If I can get her SSI it would be a HUGE help.  She seems to struggle in her basic simple job at a sub shop.  I cannot see how she could ever support herself unless by some miracle she found a perfect job for her that was validating, understanding and kind.

[dogmama]

I watched my dBPDh slip further into BPD whenever major stresses hit him: leaving the military due to family issues, loss of child custody (long gone ex shows up wanting kids she hadn't tried to contact in almost a decade), unemployment, relocation, being fired from job, and job layoff.  Each time he was less able to make even basic decisions (like paying the mortgage).

He has become very bad at thinking about consequences of his choices.  It really never occurred to him that even when not paying the mortgage and the bank sending threat notices that foreclosures could happen.  It also never occurred to him that lying to me about the mortgage being paid could ever be a problem--I would trust him anyway.

[EmmaB]

This can be one of the most confusing things to me.  Sometimes they can function in higher order.  Other times the same task is overwhelming.  This executive function seems to come and go.

If I had a choice whether or not to be in a relationship with someone with BPD- for example- someone I was dating.  I would chose to leave.

Not so easy to leave a child but I am for once feeling confident that with all the help, feedback and resource on this forum I may be able to create a loving distance with my d17 gradually over the next few years and find the courage to keep myself from bailing her out.

If I can get her SSI it would be a HUGE help.  She seems to struggle in her basic simple job at a sub shop.  I cannot see how she could ever support herself unless by some miracle she found a perfect job for her that was validating, understanding and kind.

Makes me wonder, what would be a perfect job for someone with BPD?

[Forgetmenot]

Well... .if everyone in my d17's life acted like a kindergarden teacher, then she would have no problem.

Maybe a job where she doesn't have a boss?  or coworkers?  Oh wait... that doesn't really exist.

I have often pondered this thought and I keep coming up blank.

What kind of jobs do people with BPD do well at? 

CAN they do well in  a job when they have full blown BPD?

I really don't know what the future holds for my child. ?

[EmmaB]

Well... .if everyone in my d17's life acted like a kindergarden teacher, then she would have no problem.

Maybe a job where she doesn't have a boss?  or coworkers?  Oh wait... that doesn't really exist.

I have often pondered this thought and I keep coming up blank.

What kind of jobs do people with BPD do well at? 

CAN they do well in  a job when they have full blown BPD?

I really don't know what the future holds for my child. ?

So I googled it and came across this site: www.dps.missouri.edu/resources/Handbook/personality.pdf. In this "handbook" I read this:

"Sometimes individuals with borderline disorder work very well in helping others who seem "worse off" than themselves. The caretaker role seems to be rewarding for them. This might include working in a retirement center, working with individuals with mental retardation, working in a veterinary clinic, or working in an animal shelter."

I typed this verbatim as for some reason I couldn't copy/paste.

Any thoughts Forgetmenot?

[vivekananda]

That sounds right to me. My dd worked at a creche for a short while. She loved it - but it wasn't her career choice.

Problem is my dd has a sharp intellect, coupled with a powerful sense of superiority. Working in such categories would be just great for her, but they are often low paid, no career jobs. So, dd wouldn't consider them now... .

ahhh if it's not one thing it's another eh? But what an excellent bit of research done EmmaB!

cheers,

Vivek   xoxo

[charred]

It reminds me of how people say that you can become your worst version of yourself in a bad relationship, or if it brings out the worst in you... .also made me think of those phrases: "when you play with children, you end up in the sandbox" or "when u mess with trash, you end up getting dirty"... .Not to call BPDs children or trash exactly, but the sentiment is there - you engage with someone and the more you attempt to speak their language you end up crossing a line into the way that they communicate.

"When you lay with dogs, you get fleas." ... comes to mind.

My exBPDgf claimed I had executive function disorder, because I had trouble making decisions while in a relationship with her... never mind that I made them just fine the other 46 yrs of my life. That she was in to the psychology and followed it enough to be aware of that should have been a .  I had trouble because if she didn't agree with them it was what kicked off WW3. After a while you waffle to find out what side they are on, and start not being yourself.

I know my range of planning dropped the whole time in the relationship... started out thinking of rest of my life, retirement, and then as we fought the distance dropped to next 10 yrs, then 5 then this year... and it hit the point I was trying to make it through the next few hours. Once we were apart, it started returning to normal, but slowly... I am thinking a few months out now at most. Wonder if having a SO with BPD inflicts PTSD? I think it may give some temporary EFD... .did me.

[Elinor21]

I have often wondered how it is that people like my daughter (who seems incapable of reasoning about consequences or of understanding what happens when she makes stupid decisions) are at the same time able to hold down jobs and be praised and appreciated by their employers.  But of course... .the jobs are with those who are obviously much more disorganised and/or needy than they are themselves.  My daughter has had an enormous success working as a teaching aid with deeply difficult kids from deprived backgrounds, one on one with little kids of 5 or 6 who are violent, act out, swear, physically attack others... .this is the longest she has ever been employed and the school she has been at love her and think so highly of her. So she decides on a whim to quit her job, take my beloved granddaughter out of the school where she has been thriving, move a thousand miles away, breaks my heart and breaks up the loving and supportive family we had tried to put around her and her daughter.  And what is she going to do for work?  Well, she is doing a course in caring for the elderly in nursing homes.  So it all fits, as Emma B. said.  Doesn't make me feel any better about it though, and I worry that having BPD people looking after those more vulnerable than themselves might also create risky situations.

[charred]

My exBPDgf works as a grade school teacher. She often shuts her door and avoids other teachers... but has been teaching many years now. Keeps her cool with kids, with adults she can have issues. Not sure what other careers would work.

[Dark star]

My uBPDexgf has worked at a crisis help centre for over 25 years... .  and was a Samaritan for a good few years before that

[charred]

My exBPDgf is a music teacher... she has a good voice and plays piano well, played other instruments. She is a teacher in grade school, so deals with 1st-5th graders... and honestly, that is about her level... she is very smart... but could be the poster child for BPD.

She talked about becoming a nun, and seems so serious about it... but has spent her life going r/s to r/s. Two divorces, 7 broken engagements, doesn't know how many guys she has dated (she is nearing 50 now.)... and no sign of changing. She flaked out on me (we were talking about moving in together... she didn't show, freaked out I think)... and then within a week or two was on FB with another guy. Her behavior is very un-nun like.

I think they might do well in one-shot sales. Something where they sell it... and that is that. She volunteered at hospitals as a candy striper at one time, but that didn't pay anything. Sister is a nurse... she says there are a few BPD nurses around... .  but she was of the opinion they should have chose other fields.

Given the destruction they can cause... .  we could send them to countries we are at war with... as wmd's... under flag of "ambassadors of peace"... .  they can be very friendly... .  (Kidding of course.)  I felt like mine was a wmd to my life... .  oh well.

By the nature of BPD, I don't think it is a curable type of thing... its learned patterns of behavior that make up a personality, and almost create scripts they follow over and over interacting with people. They don't typically seek help... there appear to be a lot of them. I don't think there is a good way to do it, but if you could find out... what do they actually do, what do they have for jobs... what works (at least relatively well) and what doesn't... .  might get an idea of what the best career choices are for them. The low functioning ones... clearly that wouldn't work so well.

[alembic]

I've noticed this with the wife.

I've tended to refer to it as being 'process' driven rather than 'goal' driven.

She is quite poor at setting goals for herself, and working out what needs to be achieved to reach those goals, and whether her current situation is leading towards those goals or not.  In fact, I can't really think of an instance where she has done this successfully.

Instead, she applies a methodology rather unquestioningly, and is unwilling\unable to think about whether it is actually working, or bringing her closer to what she claims to want.   Sometimes it works out, because the methodology is a good one, but if for some reason there's a problem with the methodology, then she finds it very difficult to think 'out of the box' and realize she needs to change her behavior.

[whatisthetruth]

my BPD partner is a therapist... .  of course she almost flunked out of college in a downward spiral and her best friend rescued her homework.

she manages to delegate to others the things she should do herself... .  if i didn't do her invoices - she might not get paid every month.

she works as a therapist helping kids of all things with learning disabilities.

she works about 20-30 hours a week and barely makes ends meet; but that seems to be about all the work she can handle.

on another note - many here commented on how their own executive function has been diminished since being in relationship with the BPD.  i totally get that.  Because of the utter condemnation and spiral of negativity... .  i have lost a lot of opportunities, fallen behind on my career and my spiritual foundation as her needs and the energy needed to sustain her needs became paramount. Further my reactions to the complete insanity of the her accusations and emotional roller coaster has been huge and NOT my normal way of responding.  The first 6 mos. I did well to stay calm amidst the crazy... .  but then moved into defending my own integrity - ugh.  Now im just at a loss.  Im reprioritizing my life, to actually include my needs... .  endeavoring to not get lost in the drama... .  but still my partner is moves through her cycles... .  love / indifference / hatred / feeling victimized.

i cannot believe i allowed myself to get into this sort of a dynamic in the first place. 

[js friend]

my BPD partner is a therapist... .   of course she almost flunked out of college in a downward spiral and her best friend rescued her homework.

My dd18 has flunked out of college 3 times.

She says that she wants to study medicine but all 3 college course she has taken have been unrelated to medicine.

What usually happens is that she makes a new friend, becomes interested in what they want to do and follows them to college. Ultimatley she gives up on it after a few weeks and is back at home for the rest of the year. She also gives up on the friendship too.Now she is back to saying she wants to study medicine again!

Has this repeat cycling got anything to do with poor exective function, or is it a more lack of identity or a bit of both?

on another note - many here commented on how their own executive function has been diminished since being in relationship with the BPD.  i totally get that.  Because of the utter condemnation and spiral of negativity... .   i have lost a lot of opportunities, fallen behind on my career and my spiritual foundation as her needs and the energy needed to sustain her needs became paramount. Further my reactions to the complete insanity of the her accusations and emotional roller coaster has been huge and NOT my normal way of responding.  The first 6 mos. I did well to stay calm amidst the crazy... .   but then moved into defending my own integrity - ugh.  Now im just at a loss.  Im reprioritizing my life, to actually include my needs... .   endeavoring to not get lost in the drama... .   but still my partner is moves through her cycles... .   love / indifference / hatred / feeling victimized.

i cannot believe i allowed myself to get into this sort of a dynamic in the first place. 

whatisthetruth I have lived most of my adult life with pwBPD's.

I was married to udBPDexh and endured years of tyranny and then within 1 year of divorce dd began her BPD behaviours so I know how it is to lose ourselves in this disorder.

with exh I spent a lot of time trying to change myself and placate him for an easier life. I had never even heard of BPD, so when he blamed and raged at me I really believed it was my fault. I just tried harder and got burnt out in the process.

Now with dd I have so much more knowledge and the correct tools to use to protect myself and support dd at the same time. self acceptance that she has a mental illness and also being able to let go of the things I cannot change has really helped me.

[Healing4Ever]

pwBPD, high functioning ones, can operate in a "normal" capacity when emotions are not involved... . when emotions are involved... . that is when trouble strikes

Wow- this makes SOO much sense.  My uBPDex is an IT guy - he will program computers all hours of the night as well as all day for work and LOVES it - now I understand why!  It is all logic - no emotions (except when his co-workers get involved, then it can get sticky).

Thank-you so much for this.  Slowly clarity is taking hold.

H4E

[DreamFlyer99]

This is all pretty fascinating-- for years I just took for granted that my H didn't have any issues as he has always had good jobs and is even quite good at being in charge. So when he hit a stressful time and just kinda quit paying the bills, I figured out what was going on as I read the mail and I just took over. He starts big projects on the house that he has the skills to do, but they remain unfinished for years on end.

From what i'm reading it sounds like he's pretty high functioning, but more so at work where there isn't the emotional part of the relationship as there is with home and family. So can the BPD have better executive function in some situations than in others?

He copes well with expectations at work, but there seems to be a heavy burden with anything related to "home." He can't stand the words "I need" coming from me. Yet the executive function thing must be somewhat affected by the emotional state?

And to hear it's not uncommon to feel like your own executive function has taken a hit when in a relationship with a BP makes total sense! I feel so run over/run down that I spend half the day trying to get myself to the point where I can decide what to do with my day.

Heh. So much to learn.

[Healing4Ever]

He copes well with expectations at work, but there seems to be a heavy burden with anything related to "home." He can't stand the words "I need" coming from me. Yet the executive function thing must be somewhat affected by the emotional state?

Hi DreamFlyer99 - What you said here really resonated with me. My uBPDex could NOT *stand* it if I wanted him to do things around the house.  A friend was joking that she had a "honey-do" list for her husband, which he acknowledged with a grin, and they both related that it can hang around for months before anything gets done, so sometimes they resort to hiring someone, or sometimes she'll pressure him to get on it.  This seems pretty normal.  However, the FIRST thing my uBPDex said after that conversation is "don't even *THINK* about creating a honey-do list for me.  I won't do anything on it".  This is coming from a very capable man who used to frame houses and if he feels like it, has built our deck, shelving in the garage, etc.  I felt so minimized, frustrated, and invisible in our r/s, and this is definitely one aspect of why I felt that way.

My uBPDex copes well enough with work demands - he has maintained high-paying IT jobs for years.  However, I often find that he decides on an appropriate boundary at work, sticks to it, then changes the boundary; sticks to it; gets confused by co-workers interactions; and seems to be constantly searching for what is normal as he's always worried that people will take advantage of him.  Since his tendency is to give to others, he ends up striking enough of a balance with his internal struggle in order to keep his jobs and do generally well.  But, as others have mentioned, as soon as emotions get involved - he's a goner in that his distorted thinking takes over.

[DreamFlyer99]

I don't want to sound rude, but I want to say "Yay!" and jump up and down with happiness that i'm NOT ALONE and someone else experiences what I do, Healing4ever! and I can't figure out how to do the quoted thing, guess i'll need to look that up--

Apparently it isn't unusual for there to be such a divide in the BPD then-- I know my H gets overwhelmed by what he thinks a home project will take to finish and then just stalls, or has a million "reasons" he can't.

And I find that exact thing you said about when emotions get involved the distorted thinking takes over. So far the only safe things I can talk to him about are "what should we watch tonight on tv?" or "Gee vacation will be fun," stuff like that. Even though I pretty much can expect him to have a meltdown at least once during the vacation, which is NOT fun. 

I also find interesting the fact that it is a typical thing for BPD's to be happy to give give give to others, way over and beyond what they'll do for their own spouse etc. My H was in several types of ministry in the church we attended for about 30 years, and I was on my own with children and the finances and the shopping and the cooking and... . you get the point. But learning this commonality about BPD's is making so many things make sense. The ability to function really WELL in some situations that don't involve their own family, and the ability to serve others while resenting their own family's need for help. My mother was that way and I never understood it before now.

SOO much to learn!

[Healing4Ever]

I also find interesting the fact that it is a typical thing for BPD's to be happy to give give give to others, way over and beyond what they'll do for their own spouse etc. My H was in several types of ministry in the church we attended for about 30 years, and I was on my own with children and the finances and the shopping and the cooking and... . you get the point. But learning this commonality about BPD's is making so many things make sense. The ability to function really WELL in some situations that don't involve their own family, and the ability to serve others while resenting their own family's need for help. My mother was that way and I never understood it before now.

Yes! Yes! Yes!  I have written many times here about my uBPDex's big big need to serve others, and you summarize it beautifully here - thank-you so much.  I have felt very alone with this particular dynamic, as our regular friends (not my close close friends) don't see how I get left behind and my needs get ignored while someone else's need (which may be identical to mine) is my uBPDex's priority.  For example - ee would literally not have time to help me with my computer problem, and be running out the door to rewire someone else's router.  And be gone for hours.  He gives money to other people all the time - large tips, charity, helps pay a friends' rent/cell phone, but counts pennies with me and ensures we split everything 50/50.  The list really goes on and on.  And yet I loved him.  How exasperating!

[DreamFlyer99]

I also find interesting the fact that it is a typical thing for BPD's to be happy to give give give to others, way over and beyond what they'll do for their own spouse etc. My H was in several types of ministry in the church we attended for about 30 years, and I was on my own with children and the finances and the shopping and the cooking and... . you get the point. But learning this commonality about BPD's is making so many things make sense. The ability to function really WELL in some situations that don't involve their own family, and the ability to serve others while resenting their own family's need for help. My mother was that way and I never understood it before now.

Yes! Yes! Yes!  I have written many times here about my uBPDex's big big need to serve others, and you summarize it beautifully here - thank-you so much.  I have felt very alone with this particular dynamic, as our regular friends (not my close close friends) don't see how I get left behind and my needs get ignored while someone else's need (which may be identical to mine) is my uBPDex's priority.  For example - ee would literally not have time to help me with my computer problem, and be running out the door to rewire someone else's router.  And be gone for hours.  He gives money to other people all the time - large tips, charity, helps pay a friends' rent/cell phone, but counts pennies with me and ensures we split everything 50/50.  The list really goes on and on.  And yet I loved him.  How exasperating!

Boy do I understand this! My H hasn't been so much that way in some time since all his energy seems to be focused on work (where he gets the most strokes for "job well done" but back when he was doing fourteen different things at church, one of our friends who worked with him in one of the ministries actually told me that she thought he was into her "because you were always saying how he didn't pay attention to you but he was so nice to me." Now THERE'S a leap.

It's a lonely place to be when people around you don't "get it." Things with a BPD seem to be so much larger than other people would do it. I have a friend who was married to a uBPD and the older women would just tell her she "needed to love him more" or "be more of what he needed." Those are simplistic thoughts, since there IS no "ENOUGH"  for the BPD. 

[Randi Kreger]

I wrote an entire chapter in the Essential Family Guide to B... . P... . D... . to answer that chapter. Essentially, it's all biological.When you do a fMRI on people with BPD and compare to controls (people who don't have BPD for comparison) you see differences in part of the brain that are active under certain circumstances. It has to do with both neurotransmitters and the amygdala. My source for all this is one of the top psychiatrists in BPD, Bob Friedel. I know Skip has an article about poor executive function, but in the clinical literature I have not seen it explained in this way. So I really don't know what that means.

[DreamFlyer99]

Wow! "The" Randi Kreger! The Eggshells book made some things so much more clear to me and helped me get an idea of what I was dealing with and what I HAD dealt with with my now deceased mother. As soon as I realized you had a new book out I started on that. Thanks for all the work you've done that helps me feel SO much less insane!