New Here – amazed by your stories

[Pipper99]

New Here – amazed by your stories

I have an UDBPD mother, I have been no contact for around 1 year. I’ve been in therapy around  3 years, the road back to myself has been rewarding and also painful.  After going NC most of my family followed suit, probably believed a bunch of her lies.

It’s very nice to see that others have had my experience. It’s really hard for others to understand our upbringing. The mother who appears “perfect” in public but the twisted mother at home. The lies, manipulations, the making you out to the be the crazy one. I am 37 and really just feel I started my life. Walking away was relieving and painful all in one. I had to say goodbye to my father who refuses to support me with her. But privately does. I had to let go of something’s in my family that were part of me, but also were apart of her. What I realized is that it really wasn’t my choice to say goodbye it was what I had to do to survive to live a life, sometimes walking away is something you have to do. Now that I am the other side of it things are so much more in color than black and white. I don’t panic on a daily basis, I enjoy the quietness of my life and no longer wait for the next mother induced hurricane to come my way.

I have a wonderful husband, child and friends. I’ve struggled with relationships as most of my life but feel I am doing much better.  I work on my relationships very much and it will be a constant state of re-teaching myself what  real relationship is about. What love is and trust is.

The part of trying to work out in my head is in general my self-esteem issues. It’s hard when your family points to you has “bad one” “crazy one” not to have that affect you. According to my mother something has always been off or wrong with me. It’s hard to undo many years of that, its ingrained in me,even though I wish I could erase it.   My husband tells me all the time how beautiful, smart, funny I am but its hard to hear it or accept it, my mom use to say nice things to me if she wanted to manipulate me for something. . I assume new friends don’t like me off the bat. It holds me back.

I guess I am just sharing my struggles and my successes .

Thanks for sharing all your amazing stories.

[GeekyGirl]

Hi Pipper! 

Welcome! It is really hard when you've been labeled by your family, but it's good that you're starting to see how you can get past that. It sounds like you've come a long way and have worked on yourself and your relationships. That's great. 

Having a supportive husband and friends will be a tremendous help. Going to therapy helps too. You're doing a lot of good things for yourself. How can we best support you?

It can be very painful coming to terms with a parent's mental illness. Many of us have been through or are going through what you're experiencing now. The self-esteem issues you described are very common in children of BPD parents. What has helped you to work through them so far? It's very sweet that your husband sees you for the good person you are--what happens when he compliments you?

Please jump into the conversation here--you'll find that you have a lot in common with us!

-GG

[Pipper99]

Thanks GG for the welcome.

Its comforting just knowing I am not alone. In therapy I get a boost of self esteem, as I trust my therapist. I still struggle with really believing people like or even love who I am. My mom would switch on me so much you didn't know what to trust. Sometimes the old thought of "is it me?" creeps in, but I've learned to talk my way through it. I think its just a process of healing.

[Calsun]

Hi Pipper,

I really could relate to your story.  When I was growing up, my mother  who has all of the behaviors of a BP, labeled me as the "black sheep of the family"  and anointed my brother as the only good one.  Typical  splitting.  When I was in high school, I started going for counseling.  She found out about it, and after that would say I needed help because I was a "sicko."  She would also say to my face that people only liked me because they didn't know me, and that if they really got to know me, they wouldn't like me anymore.  It was so painful because I started to believe it, of course.  And I felt that I needed to hide who I was from people who cared about me because they would drop me, if they saw anything bad inside of me.  And so I never felt as though I could be loved. I felt so lonely all the time because I felt as though the people who cared about me only did so because I was somehow deceiving them.  And I felt like such a bad person inside, a deceptive kind of demon child. It's only more recently that I have come to really see that her mirroring was so off because of her disease, that she was really projecting her illness onto me. And I never really wanted to accept the reality that she is mentally and emotionally ill.  I can barely even write it. I almost preferred letting her project it onto me.  Thanks for sharing your story.  It really helped to read it and to feel less alone in all of this.

Calsun

[Pipper99]

Calsum: Thanks for reading and reaching out.

"I felt as though the people who cared about me only did so because I was somehow deceiving them.  And I felt like such a bad person inside, a deceptive kind of demon child.

this is how I feel also, very much, you hit it on the head. Its sounds like our mothers did the same thing. My mom always pointed to me as the problem, the one needing help. when I finally went to therapy I thought I needed major major help and she was right. It took a long time for my therapist to convince me i was a nice person in a horrible situaiton. I would think my therapist was lying to me, that their must be something WRONG with me. My theapist and I laught at it know that I tried really hard to convince her I was the bad one. It now pisses me off that it was  my mothers projection. I still wait for people I get close to turn on me or to say I am horrible person.

No you are not alone and all we can do is be aware of how we are feeling and try to comfort ourselves. My heart goes out to you as you have the same struggles I do.We are lucky enought to be on the other side and see it for what it is... . crazy and its not our fault