Made the decision to get back together with my BPD ex. Looking for guidance

[whattodo42]

Hey friends! I already feel super supported from the welcoming board and was encouraged to share my story here.

My ex and I (in our mid 20s) have never fallen out of love with each other. We dated for almost two years, but I left her several months ago because I wasn't sure I was ready to settle down. She never wronged me, cheated on me, and was generally receptive to me standing up for myself. there WAS a period where she expected me to do everything for her, but I laid down the law and she made an effort to be more self sufficient.

She TOLD me she had BPD up front a few months into the relationship, but she is either high-functioning or it isn't that severe. The traits definitely are there, though. She isn't sinister or 'evil' as the internet makes people with her condition out to be... . she has a loving heart and wants to do the right thing. she has a therapist but is not in DBT.

She contacted me a few weeks ago and told me she wants me back and hasn't gotten over me, all while thinking of breaking up with the guy she got together with only two weeks after I left her. I have dated around as well and honestly... . I miss her just as much. The things we shared and the way we perceive our interests CAN'T be considered mirroring. It would just be impossible... . she is truly the one for me.

After educating myself on how to be the best I can be for her while taking care of myself, I made the informed decision to go through with getting back together with her. She began the process of ending her current relationship and I was her emotional support through it.

She and I were friendly, only lightly kissing a few times to reconnect, but were largely platonic. last week we hooked up and the guy she was involved with caught us in bed naked together the next day. he had let himself into her house because he was jealous/she didn't respond to his texts the night before. It turns out they were only on a break because she said she was too weak to end the relationship. Naturally they broke up for good that day.

Since then she has been in so much pain that she has been very cold to me while she processes all of this. She has been distant and treating me like a stranger almost in the past week. Last night I brought it up to her and she said she definitely wants to get back together but doesn't want to jump right into things, which is one of the healthiest things I can think of someone with BPD saying. She told me that she has been overcompensating for how close we got last weekend and didn't want to be in dating mode while she's still getting over her pain. I was so relieved because I thought she was just using me for emotional support and dropping me when she didn't need me.

I told her that I didn't want to be used by her, and that I only want to start things up when she's ready. I'm going forward with this refusing to be a doormat, refusing to have to tip-toe around her feelings, while being very conscious about what sets her off and what makes her feel abandoned at the same time.

It's a tough line to walk, but I think I can do it in order to have the woman in my life that I deeply love. Is anyone else here largely successful with this? I feel like the internet speaks such DOOM of the situation that it made me feel hopeless, but she has shown me that it might be okay.

I always think of this Bob Marley quote,

"The truth is, if she's easy she won't be amazing. If she's amazing, she won't be easy. If she's worth it, you won't give up. If you give up, you're not worth it."

I know it's only true to a certain extent, but I feel like it is in my case.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[briefcase]

 

Welcome to the Staying Board, you are among people who get it, and who have made the same choice you have made.  First, there is definitely hope for your relationship, and many members here, including me, have been navigating these waters for a long time. 

Give her some time to process what happened - getting "caught" like that would probably be pretty traumatic for anyone, BPD or not.  Let her process it. 

In the meantime, a good place to start is by reading the Board lessons. 

[whattodo42]

Thanks for the welcome! Also, it's nice to hear that all hope is not lost. Like I mentioned in the OP, the internet makes you feel differently on the surface.

I'll definitely check out the lessons. I agree she needs time- and she'll get it.

It's nice to know I'm in her thoughts, and that she's processing her pain. She said she understood last night that the spark between us wouldnt grow if she continued to dump her emotions about someone else on me, and that was another reason she had been keeping her distance.

Her awareness of her actions have really been impressing me lately.

[whattodo42]

Also... . one more thing I've already run into today.

Last night she actually showed her feelings due to me pulling back mine a bit which I hate to say was predictable... . but today she texted me with something that happened that has nothing to do with me that made her feel bad.

"someone stole <X> out of my car today"

I don't want to seem cold but it's clear i'm back to being the guy that's supposed to soothe her, but we aren't even dating again yet. What do I say to not seem cold but keep my boundaries? (while not coming off as a p*ssy either, forgive my speech).

[LosingIt2]

I don't know how well educated you are on BPD, but you seem to be operating under the assumption that her disorder doesn't apply to you, and that well, you can control it. She already ensnared you in to triangulating. She=victim, other guy=persecutor, you=rescuer. This is an ever revolving dynamic, and you will most certainly become her persecutor.

There are people who don't have to face the full blow of BPD dysregulation until years after their relationship, though there is always a trigger. You are both relatively young, and from what is sounds like her symptoms are present fairly early on the relationship.

[arabella]

today she texted me with something that happened that has nothing to do with me that made her feel bad.

"someone stole <X> out of my car today"

I don't want to seem cold but it's clear i'm back to being the guy that's supposed to soothe her, but we aren't even dating again yet. What do I say to not seem cold but keep my boundaries? (while not coming off as a p*ssy either, forgive my speech).

Forgive me, but I'm not sure I understand what boundary you are worried about here? Is there more to the story surrounding the theft she texted you about? I'm just thinking that if someone stole something out of my car, I would tell people. It would be a big deal to me, I'd be upset, I'd share with my friends, and expect some general words of commiseration or sympathy. Nothing big, just something like, "oh, that really sucks" and maybe some general info re replacing said item (depending on what it was). Is there a reason you were hesitating to respond?