Individual therapy or marriage counseling?

[daylily]

I have a limited amount of complimentary sessions of therapy through my employment.  I am trying to figure out if they are best used on marriage counseling for me and H or individual therapy for me.  I think I've seen posts that marriage counseling doesn't work so well with pwBPD, so I just don't want to "waste" my free sessions on that if it's not going to go anywhere.  This may be a moot issue anyway, as H has been back and forth as to whether or not he'd agree to go to marriage counseling.

If it matters, my H is high-functioning and sometimes aware of his issues, though not diagnosed.  I doubt he would admit he has BPD, but he admits that his emotions and reactions are "extreme" and that he's difficult to get along with.

  :)aylily

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[elessar]

individual. my ex eventually agreed to see a therapist. after a couple of weeks i went with her. i realized how much lies she had weaved about it. when i set the records straight, she was flustered and that was the end of therapy. they believe their own reality. and if you correct them it is hell. so individual therapy for them is best. but the therapist has to be good too. my ex's therapist was so overwhelmed with her sad story that on the first day without diagnosing or asking her relevant questions told my ex "there is nothing wrong with you". when i went two weeks she went "oh" a lot of times while i was setting the record straight. i guess she realized my ex was lying a lot. so the therapist matters too.

[arabella]

I'd go with the individual therapy. If you have a limited number of sessions then the chances that it will be enough to 'stick' with your H, even if he does agree to go, are minimal. I got my H to ONE marriage therapy session. It went okay and everything but he has no interest in going back and has completely 'forgotten' what was said during our session. I think for it to work it would need to be a regular thing and with the right kind of T. As for individual therapy, well, that's easy! YOU are in control and you want to go so therefore you're likely to make the most of it. Just my .02!

[bruceli]

I'd go with the individual therapy. If you have a limited number of sessions then the chances that it will be enough to 'stick' with your H, even if he does agree to go, are minimal. I got my H to ONE marriage therapy session. It went okay and everything but he has no interest in going back and has completely 'forgotten' what was said during our session. I think for it to work it would need to be a regular thing and with the right kind of T. As for individual therapy, well, that's easy! YOU are in control and you want to go so therefore you're likely to make the most of it. Just my .02!

Or in my case remember the one irrelevent statement during the 1 1/2 hour session that she can use to benefit her when the time arises.

[Mcgddss]

We just started a new therapist.

My uBPDh refused to go back to our last therapist because he was calling my husband out on his actions.

Both therapist had sessions individually with each of us and then as a couple.

With this new one I am planning to ask for a small amount of time to talk to him on my own and allow my husband time as well.

I am hoping this will work.

Make sure you call/look around for someone with experience with BPD.

I told the new counselor that I thought my husband might have BPD right from the start.  He didn't seem too afraid and even made some comments about dealing with it.

Crossing my fingers.

Good luck!

[Chosen]

daylily, I would definitely suggest individual sessions.  In this way, at least you learn more skills to cope better and you have a person to talk to.

If you drag your H to go, he:

(1) may not go, thus wasting the sessions (in exchange for something that could benefit you);

(2) may go but block everything out, thus not getting any better and both of you are just "getting through" the sessions;

(3) may attack the T and/ or you, which was what my H did in pre-marital counselling, and like bruceli, he "only" remembers the things which projected me in a negative light and use those things to attack me.

Of course, it could be (4) he goes, get diagnosed, gets treatment... .

But none of that you can control.  If you go individually you can control how you respond to your own sessions.

[em754]

Definitely individual therapy sessions, or you will get painted black with no option to put your side of the story clearly.

I went to marriage guidance with my wife (BPD) and it was fruitless, I was not prepared to argue in front of the counsellor. If you manage to get the true story out you are in the doghouse with your partner, if you sit back and your partner paints their picture the session is worthless.

My wife has been begging to see my psychiatrist, who I am seeing for depression, but it is not for my well being, only to 'correct' my version of past events that led up to my depression.

[Mike76]

One thing I have learned is T or C,  takes months just to anywhere.

It took over a year in individual T, to just feel comfortable talking to my uBPD.

It then took our first MC, my wife bailed on just to get her to individual T.

Then months a couple months of her in individual T, to get back to MC. 

If just last night in MC, I found out how much my wife does not share with her individual T.  I mentioned you get angry when X happens, but complain the reason why it happens is because of you parents, brother, bulling at school.  That when X happens it is my fault, have you mentioned it your individual T, that this is not just a marriage issue but a life long struggle.  My wife was honest and said "NO, not yet"

[Grey Kitty]

One more vote for individual T instead of MC, when a pwBPD is involved.

I'm sure I read a topic discussing why MC often fails with a pwBPD... . but right now I can't find it. If I find it later, I'll come back with a link.

Short version as I recall is that a pwBPD says that everything is somebody else's fault (usually yours in this context) and a MC often believes this, at least at first. Plus they will usually refuse to own any problems.

But everybody is different--I did get some very helpful toos in MC with my wife, when she was still having lots of BPD symptoms.