Intro... Undiagnosed BPD/NPD MIL

[Depression = 72% of members]

 

I'm new here to this site, but not new to the BPD/NPD mil issues! I have been in the trenches for well over 20 years with this woman. Dh, our 7 kids, and I have been "no contact" for all but maybe a year in total for 26 years now. We tried a couple of times to reconcile and see if MIL had changed, but (big surprise) she hadn't. I do know back in the early 1990's she tried psychotherapy but that didn't last long. Don't know if she was ever officially diagnosed or not.

As of November of 2012, dh has opened up some very limited contact with his parents as they are getting up in age and he didn't want the guilt he felt he might carry should they pass on. I support his decision, but feel a bit betrayed every time I hear him speaking to them on the phone, or telling them he loves them. That might not be fair but the things she has done to us over the years are close to being truly unforgivable. I can't forgive his parents, so I guess he's a better person than I am. It would take me forever to list what she's done to us, but suffice to say, I still hold the hate-filled letters she sent us so I actually have a written record in her own words about much of what she did. My children, 14yrs. through 28yrs. of age, have read her letters and have chosen to have nothing to do with that set of grandparents. As children they didn't visit but once or twice when they were very small so these people are virtual strangers anyway. No big loss. My 18 yr. old daughter actually thanked her Dad for keeping his parents away from her and her siblings. The sad part is that way back in the beginning, any of DH's family who were in contact with us were given the "us or them" ultimatum by MIL, and most chose to side with DH's parents. We were told by several people that MIL made it too difficult for them to keep in touch with us. Also, DH was MIL's "golden boy" and has made sure through the years that his older brother didn't have a relationship with him either. You either side with her or you're out!

My saving grace is that we live several states away. Thank God.

Also a question... . do BPD/NPD afflicted people tend to live in "la la land"? Is there a term for it, if so? MIL comes up with the strangest explanations for things... . like she's truly out of touch with reality. Common?

Thanks for listening!

[jbtalt6]

 

I'm new here to this site, but not new to the BPD/NPD mil issues! I have been in the trenches for well over 20 years with this woman. Dh, our 7 kids, and I have been "no contact" for all but maybe a year in total for 26 years now. We tried a couple of times to reconcile and see if MIL had changed, but (big surprise) she hadn't. I do know back in the early 1990's she tried psychotherapy but that didn't last long. Don't know if she was ever officially diagnosed or not.

As of November of 2012, dh has opened up some very limited contact with his parents as they are getting up in age and he didn't want the guilt he felt he might carry should they pass on. I support his decision, but feel a bit betrayed every time I hear him speaking to them on the phone, or telling them he loves them. That might not be fair but the things she has done to us over the years are close to being truly unforgivable. I can't forgive his parents, so I guess he's a better person than I am. It would take me forever to list what she's done to us, but suffice to say, I still hold the hate-filled letters she sent us so I actually have a written record in her own words about much of what she did. My children, 14yrs. through 28yrs. of age, have read her letters and have chosen to have nothing to do with that set of grandparents. As children they didn't visit but once or twice when they were very small so these people are virtual strangers anyway. No big loss. My 18 yr. old daughter actually thanked her Dad for keeping his parents away from her and her siblings. The sad part is that way back in the beginning, any of DH's family who were in contact with us were given the "us or them" ultimatum by MIL, and most chose to side with DH's parents. We were told by several people that MIL made it too difficult for them to keep in touch with us. Also, DH was MIL's "golden boy" and has made sure through the years that his older brother didn't have a relationship with him either. You either side with her or you're out!

My saving grace is that we live several states away. Thank God.

Also a question... . do BPD/NPD afflicted people tend to live in "la la land"? Is there a term for it, if so? MIL comes up with the strangest explanations for things... . like she's truly out of touch with reality. Common?

Thanks for listening!

[Up In the Air]

Hi there and Welcome! 

You're in the right place.

I too, have a MIL with uBPD and it's not an easy road. I did want to say that the 'la la land' is common. I've heard it called 'Borderland', but I'm not sure if there's a term for it. We're NC with my hubby's parents right now, but whenever I hear her telling a story or talking about her life, I'm fascinated by the Disney-like happy land that she creates for people to see, as if we were all to break out in song and dance every so often. She's most definitely in her own reality and I think a lot of that is her way of coping with her illness.

This sight has been such a blessing to me and I hope it will be for you too!

[jbtalt6]

Thank you!

I wish dh was still NC... . life was much more simple then! But, I don't want him having serious issues once his parents pass on either.

MIL/FIL could never grasp the reason we've been NC was because they drove us to that point! It was always, to them, a choice we made to be "mean." They have also revised the past in ways that make them look less hateful than they were. I'm so glad I kept MIL's nasty letters or I'd have no tangible proof of what she did, and I might even question my perception of things even more than I used to. For a point in time years ago, I would analyze my actions repeatedly because I thought somehow I MUST be to blame for the way MIL acted.

As far as the "la la land" issue... . MIL/FIL were told by DH recently that our kids weren't interested in a relationship with them at this time. Instead of MIL recognizing that she did some very nasty and hateful things to their parents, and that maybe our kids weren't OK with that or with people who wanted their family split up, she just said to DH "It's understandable since we haven't been around that they might be confused if we were suddenly a presence in their lives." First off, all but one of our kids are adults and are by no means "confused." Secondly, they have very negative feelings towards DH's parents and understandably so. She wants to chalk their feelings up to simple CONFUSION? Even though I understand (to a degree) this BPD thinking, it still floors me that they can't grasp the obvious. UGH.

I'm relieved yet also sad that other people have gone through issues similar to mine!

[ScarletOlive]

Hi there jbtalt6,

It is tough to deal with BPD behaviors, and I'm very sorry you've been hurt by your MIL. It's good that you and your family can see through the dysfunction. In answer to your questions, one of the main symptoms of BPD is fear of abandonment. People with BPD often see things in black and white as a coping mechanism to protect the person from feeling this intense abandonment. Oftentimes, pwBPD thinks that if she is abandoned, then she is worthless and is all bad. Sometimes she will decide to abandon you before you can abandon her to give her control over the situation.

You can read more to understand these kinds of behaviors here:

BPD BEHAVIORS: Splitting

BPD BEHAVIORS:Dissociation and Dysphoria