Detaching from the good stuff as well as the bad

[Setter Rob]

I finally told her I wanted to live separately. Though she has suggested the same many times, she was dumbfounded and deeply hurt. We are moving slowly for now.

Background: Married thirty years, the first ten or so years spectacularly wonderful, the last ten sexless and a death march. She has always had these BP traits but in the last few years she has gotten much much worse, as did her mother at her age--mid-fifties. For a while she had me convinced it was all my fault, but therapists (including her own occasional therapist) and other reality checks have brought this here frog in the slow-heating pan of water to his senses in time to jump out. She does not present the most spectacular symptoms. No addictions, promiscuity, though some violence and perhaps suicidal tendencies. (I have quietly moved our revolver off premises and trigger-locked my hunting rifle and shotgun.)

The problem: She is in many ways the most wonderful person I have ever met. Suddenly I realize I am detaching myself not only from the bad, but also from the good. And she says she would like to save the marriage, but does not offer to return to her therapist, see a psychiatrist as has been recommended, or even see a neurologist for her well-controlled epilepsy.

Emotionally, how do you deal with someone you want to hug and comfort (I admit, dammit, to some co-dependency), and have a great history, a Roman history, with?

I had imagined we could work on our issues apart (CA, where we are--MA, where I want to be) and there might be a future down the road, but our marriage therapist says that won't work.

Any wise words? And yes, I've got a great therapist of my own.

[bpdspell]

Hey Setter Rob,

You've got tough choices to make but no one can make your wife get help except her. Giving her an ultimatum won't work because she'll be resentful and would be seeking therapeutic help for all the wrong reasons.

Taking a break from each other sounds healthy. You owe it to yourself to take better care of you and to teach yourself how to create boundaries and draw lines in the sand if you want your sanity back. Thirty years is a long time to be with someone so I would never suggest you throw away your marriage if there's something salvageable left. You seem to really love her but in long term relationships romantic love does evolve into unconditional love if it is to truly grow and expand. Full acceptance of whom your wife is in really is ( and not the fantasy version of her) seems like a tall order right now... . but it's a great option if you desire peace of mind.

In the meantime. Take better care of you and think about what you want for the rest of your life moving forward.

Spell

[gonesouth]

This sounds very close to my situation only it accelerated over 11 years. Started out fairly good and I thought things would grow and get better, but I wasn't savvy to the full nature of her illness. I was made to feel it was all my fault. The hard thing is we are active in our church and she for the most part is a good member. That and other traits I loved about her. At first her "little girl" personality was cute and kinda fun (she 45, me 52 at time of marriage), but then it became clear I was raising a rebellious 12 year old throwing tantrums. She could emotionally out gun me without even breathing hard. I have filed for divorce and have emotionally detached from her. I fill the role of a care giver with boundaries and attention to her needs while we are living together. I am not in the role of a husbond, but a friend. I am firm, but leave anger out. I let her pout, call me names, but don't start breaking stuff. If you wail about suicide over and over again I will have authorities come and protect you from yourself. I know she literally can't comprehend what she is doing and therefore I don't take it personally. You have to withdraw and let them down slow, but steadily withdraw.