Their emptiness feeling kills the spark in their R/S?

[whatathing]

Hello everyone

After dating for 9 months, and breaking up, my uBPDexgf came back after 3 months of NC. We saw each other 7 times, were very intimate during these dates, and in the last one she said she wanted to know me better, and that being with me was like being home. That was two weeks ago, then she disappeared again. I let her go, but yesterday I tried to be with her, she didn´t want, and we chatted on facebook. She told me she doesn´t feel good with me, that there is something lacking, and that she feels empty with me.

The thing is, that I also feel that something lacked with us. But I connect that with both our uneasiness relating. We seemed a litte bit stuck. I´m shy and have trouble losening myself. But I think it´s got much more to do with something that I feel is very absent in her: she isn´t able to take pleasure out of things (emotionally numb), she´s very affectively avoidant (I´m her 2nd boyfriend, she´s 24 years old and says she doesn´t need anyne, although she clearly does and seeks affection sources), she has zero reciprocity with me in every way, she lacks empathy... . It´s like she´s in a different world, so much that I´ve even considered the possibility of Asperger traits.

Anyway, I´d like to know if her feeling empty with me, is a common thing in BPD, because I´m having trouble distinguishing this emptiness within the R/S from the possibility that we simply aren´t compatible. That would be very inconsistent with the fact that we have an extreme familiarity with each other, we are phisically attracted to each other, we share same values, the whole "soul mate" thing, and I´ve filtered the mirroring parts out of it. But, in fact, while being together, there is some lack of spark, it seems we don´t work out together when we´re just hanging out, and many times we escape this by having sex, which serves as an ice breaker for us. I feel that I always have to entertain her so that she feels motivated. It´s really strange, it´s like she´s got a broken fuse in the affection or interpersonal relating section inside her. But I don´t know if this would happen with other guy, I think maybe there are guys who would be better catching her attention and excitement.

So, any insights of how the emptiness feeling they have relates to the R/S dynamics, if it frequently causes this kind of disengaged sensation within the R/S, would be greatly appreciated. Thanks

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[mcc503764]

Anyway, I´d like to know if her feeling empty with me, is a common thing in BPD, because I´m having trouble distinguishing this emptiness within the R/S from the possibility that we simply aren´t compatible.

So, any insights of how the emptiness feeling they have relates to the R/S dynamics, if it frequently causes this kind of disengaged sensation within the R/S, would be greatly appreciated. Thanks

I have come to understand that the constant feeling of "emptiness" is a BPD behavior.  This emptiness explains their actions, as they are constantly engaging in activities to make them "feel complete."  (various partners, sex, substance abuse, etc... . )

In my opinion, the BPD is compatible with just about anyone.  Since they have no identity of their own, they mirror who they are with or who they surround themselves by.  I wouldn't think too much beyond that one.  We can drastically overthink this whole thing, but at the end of the day what are we left with?

In my experience, once they begin to actually "feel" something, it scares the hell out of them because they are not used to it?  I've learned not to take it personal (easier said than done, I know,) but again, that's just my experience.

I've been through HELL with mine, so if there is anything you need, don't hesitate to ask!

MCC

[bruceli]

Anyway, I´d like to know if her feeling empty with me, is a common thing in BPD, because I´m having trouble distinguishing this emptiness within the R/S from the possibility that we simply aren´t compatible.

So, any insights of how the emptiness feeling they have relates to the R/S dynamics, if it frequently causes this kind of disengaged sensation within the R/S, would be greatly appreciated. Thanks

I have come to understand that the constant feeling of "emptiness" is a BPD behavior.  This emptiness explains their actions, as they are constantly engaging in activities to make them "feel complete."  (various partners, sex, substance abuse, etc... . )

In my opinion, the BPD is compatible with just about anyone.  Since they have no identity of their own, they mirror who they are with or who they surround themselves by.  I wouldn't think too much beyond that one.  We can drastically overthink this whole thing, but at the end of the day what are we left with?

In my experience, once they begin to actually "feel" something, it scares the hell out of them because they are not used to it?  I've learned not to take it personal (easier said than done, I know,) but again, that's just my experience.

I've been through HELL with mine, so if there is anything you need, don't hesitate to ask!

MCC

I second the above motion! 

[whatathing]

Thanks very much, MCC503764. It makes sense... .

It´s so strange, I have this awkward feeling of something being wrong with us since the beginning, and always tried to break through that little wall I feel that´s between us. If it was any other girl, I´d think that maybe we weren´t meant for each other. But otherwise it´s too many coincidences: we getting along so well in everything but in this strange awkward feeling, her having such empathy and reciprocity problems... . I feel it´s just some kind of adjustment we need to make in order to get along, like sometimes Ts teach in MC.

It´s like we´re in the living room together, and we get stuck with no conversation, we just stand there. I think it has much to do with her not being able to put any content of hers into the R/S, of not having life interests and everything, and also not being able to let down her defenses and appreciate little things that normally couples appreciate.

Does it make sense, or am I trying to force something that obviously is not meant to be?

[waverider]

Two things to consider.

Firstly mirroring, as this is a counterfeit personality it will not be as deep or long lasting as the person they are mirroring, so sooner or later it runs out. This leads to an emptiness, and they also feel exposed and more of an increasing failure. As it wanes their desire to keep up with you is still there but the depth required to actually motivate is not there. Hence they start to despise themselves for not being capable of walking their own talk. So shutdown and avoidance starts to occur. They can start to hate what they can't achive. As this adopted personality was yours then the blame gets laid on you. They push you away along with the failing personality

Secondly Disassociation is a very common part of BPD, they start to watch the world happening around them but it is not them in it. Nothing really matters or has a direct effect on them in their eyes, hence the importance of everyday stuff fades. The world around them is just some insignificant boring soap opera on a TV in their peripheral vision. It is not the same as depression but it can seem similar in the way disinterest is displayed.

How to deal with it? Thats a hard one, best I can say is not to try to revive the previous persona as it has probably run its course. Rather pay attention to any small sparks of their own origin and try to encourage that. I found a few sparks of those in my partner, and I actually mirrored them back in a supportive and validating way. So now we have some common interest which genuinely came from her.

Not being pushy for constant interaction is important, as pushing equates to them failing, and thus the shut down increases.

[waverider]

At the end of the day if what you really want is an entertaining chatterbox that is unlikely to happen as that in itself is a personality trait, and not easily changed

[whatathing]

Thank you Waverider, that´s VERY useful and interesting.

[Walker9455]

Thank you, waverider, that insight helps a great deal with my current r/s dBPDw situation.  Doesn't make anything easier, but every crumb of understanding I can garner to cope with this is like gold to me.

[Walker9455]

Can't edit my post - guts have been in knots since reading this, and just can't wrap my mind around the potential enormity of it.  The beautiful, talented, witty, compassionate woman I fell in love with, married, and have spent almost 12 years of my life with, may, for all intents and purposes, be dead and a "new personality" walking around in her life.  She may never resurface, return to our family, to my arms.  I truly have no words - I am more lost than I have been since this ordeal started in April... .

[whatathing]

Walker9455, you're in a tough spot right now... . I hope you hang in there. I don't know if this personality thing works that way, maybe this new personality thing you're seeing is just temporary. I believe there is some stability within the instability, and that she's capable of remembering. Anyway, have faith and remember that she's the same person under that defensive layer, and that you are in there inside her, she just can't show it right now.

[whatathing]

I'm wondeing about what I wrote in the first post. I've found something about schizoid PD, and am thinking that maybe that's what's going on with my uBPDexgf. It makes sense, allnthe time I wondered whynshe lacked two classical traits of BPD: she's not jealous, and she doesn't rage, although she says that before the medication she felt an intense rage, but didn't act it out.

And also, that kind of starnge absence I described above, with a strong impairment in reading emotional cues, empathizing, having pleasure in things... . It crossed my mind that she could have Asperger traits, and now I'm wondering about schizoid traits. Does anyone know if BPD can have schizoid traits, and/or have any experience in that?

Thanks

[bruceli]

At the end of the day if what you really want is an entertaining chatterbox that is unlikely to happen as that in itself is a personality trait, and not easily changed

With BPD/NPDw... . You get the daily chatterbox... . Just that if one can tolerate daily chatter that is all about her/them... .