Frustrated with a BPD older sister and looking for support

[twinsplusone]

Hi - I joined this group in hopes I could get a better understanding for BPD and coping with an older sister who has it.  As time goes on, i find myself distancing from her, because I am sick of dealing with it and sick of everyone in the family walking on eggshells around her... . I feel like if I better understand it, i can find better coping mechanisms? It does make me feel bad when instead of getting wrapped up in the stress and drama she creates, I just ignore her... .

Kate

[laelle]

Hello twinsplusone,



Welcome to the bpdfamily.

It's really rough having someone that we love who has BPD.  Its even harder when they are our family!  I can imagine growing up in a home that catered to your

sisters instability was very invalidating for you.  Walking on eggshells?  I know how to do that very well!  I also know how unfair it is to have to do so.

You are not alone, and there is hope!  There are many members where who have learned the tools and skills needed to improve the communication with their loved one.

To bridge to gap between their reality and ours.

You say you want to learn more?  Lets start... .

Video-What is Borderline Personality Disorder?

and

Facts About Borderline Personality Disorder

How are you coping with all the stress?  Taking time for you?


  Laelle

[twinsplusone]

Thank you for your response Laelle! I think i have a lot of resent towards my parents for it, because it has been expected to cater to her and enable her behavior, rather than find solutions and confronting the situation.  I guess I never realized all this until now! I look forward to using some of these tools!

I am not coping, I just avoid or ignore! I also use the excuse of being busy with 2yr old twins and being almost 7 months pregnant... . ... . I know, bad, but it seems overwhelming to find coping mechanisms!

[laelle]

Hey again twinsplusone,

I really get that you would have resentment towards you parents.  I think they were probably pretty much without a clue what to do.

How did you enjoy the video? and the link I sent you?

Its really important that you find some time for you.  I understand your a BUSY mom, but you are also a woman, and you need to give yourself a bit of love.

I cook for fun, and I treat myself to a massage once a month... . things like that.  I also have a therapist... . it is the ultimate splurge.   She has helped me so much in dealing with my issues.

Where is your sister now?  Is she in therapy?  Since you mentioned conflict, I thought you might find this useful.

Video-Tools to Reduce Conflict with a person suffering from BPD

Laelle

[NowhereFast]

Hi, Twins.

I am a newbie here as well (in fact, this is my first post). I too have an older sister with BPD, and I can relate to much of what you posted. Growing up, I always felt like I had to bury my own emotions in the midst of the constant emotional drama that took place between my mother and my sister (parents were divorced, and Dad wasn't around much). I was just a kid, yet I was pushed into the role of adult, constantly having to be the voice of reason among two very unstable individuals. It definitely takes its toll.

I know now as an adult that I have a tendency to hide my feelings and emotions, because those are the patterns I learned growing up; this can make communicating your needs in other relationships very difficult.  I have tried to work on this during my own therapy sessions, and to recognize that it wasn't fair for me to have been placed in the role of referee/mediator/caretaker when I was just a young child. If you don't currently see a therapist, I would urge you to consider finding one. Now that you've started a family of your own, understanding the environment you grew up in and how it has affected your life and your own mental and emotional well being will help you to give your husband and children the best possible version of you.

I hope that your sister is getting the therapy she needs. If it hasn't yet been recommended to you, you might want to check out the book "Stop Walking on Eggshells" by Paul Mason. I have read it several times now, and it provides a good understanding and perspective for friends, family members, and loved ones of individuals with BPD. There are very good tools in there to help you establish and maintain boundaries in order to protect yourself.

Best of luck to you!