Not sure how to feel after breaking NC

[Sango216]

Some of you may have read my post about breaking NC.  I e-mailed my ex boyfriend who I suspect has BPD.  Before I go any further, I'd like to say that I do feel better after letting out everything I had to say in that e-mail.  I feel like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders.  I have been "heard."  I received a response from him that was shocking to say the least.  He apologized.  He says he feels very remorseful.  One of the things that stood out the most to be was the fact that he said he didn't want to remember the awful stuff he said when he lashed out at me.  He said he was very angry, and that hates that fact that he made me cry.  Something else that stood out was him recognizing (at least partially) his insecurities.  I explained to him that it bothered me how much he questioned my love for him.  He said "I suppose you're right about the whole insecure thing.  I know now that you love me, but at the time I didn't.  I couldn't see it."

He's dating (not in a relationship with but still somewhat involved) someone but he still thinks of me a lot... . more than he should.  He and I both understand that being together is not an option right now... . although it seems like I'm having the hardest time accepting this.  He did mention something about how maybe we will meet again in the future and leaving it up to fate.  That's crazy, I know.  I should've told him there's no way in hell that would happen, but part of me wishes it would (after he works his issues out).

I even told him about the whole "rescuer" thing, and how I tried to get him to face issues he either wasn't ready to face or didn't see within himself.  He said it was irritating and that at first he let it slide, but I kept bringing it up and he snapped.  He says he did take some of the stuff I said into account and that he wants to be a better person in his new relationship.  Part of him wishes it wasn't a new relationship though.  This is problematic to me seeing as he should really be working on himself (not for the sake of any relationship but for him and only him).  Even though he says things aren't serious with her and he's still too hurt to jump into a new relationship, he needs to work out his own kinks before getting involved with anyone period.  Or that's my opinion, at least.

After we corresponded via e-mail a couple of times, I texted him asking if he thinks we should stop talking.  Stupid, I know.  Deep down I know the answer to that but I asked anyway to hear what he had to say.  He said he's fine talking to me, and that he can handle it.  I told him I'm not sure if I can.  It feels like I'm still addicted (I guess I should say) to talking to him, although it isn't as bad as it was before.

Now this is where I am.  I'm happy I told him everything. I'm happy that we don't hate each other.  I'm sad that things are so messed up like this.  I haven't contacted him since yesterday morning, and I don't plan on it.  If we're ever going to talk again, I want him to reach  out to me.  I guess we've switched from NC to LC? 

The last time I heard from him, he said "Goodnight.  Sleep well and I guess I'll talk to you later, if you want to that is."  I told him that it's fine.  He can contact me whenever.  If it becomes a problem for me to handle it, I'll let him know.  I left the door open this time... . but I'm not sure if that's a good idea or not.  I find myself wanting him to text or contact me. I don't cry or anything, I guess because I can't anymore.  Just knowing that we're alright (and that we don't hate each other) is enough to get me through it for now.

[seeking balance]

If it becomes a problem for me to handle it, I'll let him know.  I left the door open this time... . but I'm not sure if that's a good idea or not.  I find myself wanting him to text or contact me. I don't cry or anything, I guess because I can't anymore.  Just knowing that we're alright (and that we don't hate each other) is enough to get me through it for now.

NC is a tool - it is not the be all end all.  If you feel ok with this, and you can detach - then good for you, honestly.

So, what does YOUR life look like now?

[Sango216]

seeking balance:

My life looks a lot brighter.  I feel like that dark cloud that was lingering over my head is gone.  I still want to start going back to therapy.  I realize that just because I've acknowledged my issues (lack of self-worth, seeking validation in others, rescuer syndrome) I'm not magically "fixed."  I've got a lot of work to do on myself. 

[seeking balance]

seeking balance:

My life looks a lot brighter.  I feel like that dark cloud that was lingering over my head is gone.  I still want to start going back to therapy.  I realize that just because I've acknowledged my issues (lack of self-worth, seeking validation in others, rescuer syndrome) I'm not magically "fixed."  I've got a lot of work to do on myself. 

sounds like you are ready for the personal inventory board.   

Glad you feel some peace with your ex and that you are able to focus on you.

Cheers,

SB

[danley]

Sango,

I think what you described is what most people would feel. It's scary to loosen the reins and break NC. IT sounds like your ex is remorseful. I think you are on the fence about things because you still have feelings for him. If you feel like you are grounded enough to stay in contact then do what you feel is right for YOU. You've mentioned that your ex might not really be able to handle contact. I would go on your instincts on this. Just protect yourself knowing this going in. As far as him dating someone else and talking to you, it's up to you to decide what kind and how much contact the two of you will have. You are in control of the situation.