Is it possible...

[Our abuse recovery guide]

To have a relationship with a BPD mom and enabling family?

Especially when they are not able or  don't want to admit there is a problem?

The blame for anything... . for everything... . lands on us. Guilt. Guilt. Guilt.

Conversations go no where.

Such a strong guilt/obligation that we should remain in relationship.

What if it is us?

My mind in is going in circles... .

[mama m]

To have a relationship with a BPD mom and enabling family?

Especially when they are not able or  don't want to admit there is a problem?

The blame for anything... . for everything... . lands on us. Guilt. Guilt. Guilt.

Conversations go no where.

Such a strong guilt/obligation that we should remain in relationship.

What if it is us?

My mind in is going in circles... .

[Calsun]

Hi mama m,

Thank you for sharing!  I related so much for the need to not be alone in my family of origin with my truth about my mother's condition.  One of the most painful aspects of having had a mother who was undiagnosed was that no one in the family, but me right now really wants to talk about it and sees the value in doing so.  And there are a lot of defenses against doing so.  One, is well it's the past, you can't hold a grudge.  Another is just forgetting or repressing it. Denial is so powerful, and it feels on some level if you deny it, it goes away. Or if you just minimize it, you know, Mom is just high strung or excitable, she's not mentally or emotionally ill or highly destructive and abusive.  That way one doesn't have to come to terms with the degree of mental and emotional illness.  And there is still a stigma in that. I feel it.  I don't want to admit that is going on in my family of origin.  What does that say about me?

I tried minimizing, repressing, denying and of course it doesn't work. It shows up in unhealthy relationships, a loss of self and even illness.  One of the things that has helped me is to connect with other people who have had similar experiences in their family of origin.  They can help to provide the validation and support that I have longed for in my family of origin.  Of course the great wish is for the person with BPD to admit that he or she has a problem, or to have the non-BPD parent validate your reality and protect you.  But if they could have done that, well there wouldn't be such an extreme problem.  In my family, I was the one who pointed out the problem, which made me the target for accusations that I was sick or that I was hateful towards my mother or that I was just troubled, overly sensitive and needed help.  And the family system supported that projection onto me so as not to really confront the real problem of a parent with BPD symptoms.  That was terrifying because that made me a target for being stomped out. It made it difficult for me to speak my truth to the abuse of power in other areas of my life. I was marginalized.  That understanding was too threatening to the system, and so to a large degree I felt very afraid of being physically and emotionally abandoned and attacked for that "truth."  And it felt like the way so-called "heretics" were treated who challenged the orthodoxy of a particular religion - burned at the stake.  And there is a kind of conformity of thinking I believe in families that are built around a person with BPD.  Challenging the person is really terrifying and highly threatening to the UBP.  To even challenge her a little led to her raging at me, cursing and screaming, ostracism, abandonment, abuse, in my case physical abuse and emotional abuse, name-calling, labeling, scapegoating and demonizing.  Heavy burden for speaking the truth to a powerful illness, to be abused for it.  There assuredly wasn't tell me what you're thinking and feeling, honey.

Better to have the family attribute blame to the kid and undermine the kid's perception of things, and after all it's only a child. Not too difficult to do. And then, just make it like it's a too sensitive kid. And these patterns continue into adulthood. It is a family disease.

It was wonderful to hear you!  One of the things I'm finding is that even though I felt alone with this, I am not the only one who has experienced it.  I used to think, what's my problem, mothers are loving, I guess I'm just too sensitive or too demanding, I'm the troublemaker who is looking to criticize my poor, selfless mother.  Not so.  I remember C.S. Lewis talking about the Lion, The Witch and Wardrobe and saying the whole story is predicated on the one child holding to her reality about her venture into the Wardrobe.  Her siblings try to get her to give up her reality, saying you didn't really see or experience anything there.  The whole journey is based on the youngest child standing firm, holding to her truth in the face of her brothers and sisters pressure to get her to recant.  I feel like that little child sometimes with the truth of my mother's illness in my family of origin.

Welcome and thanks, again!

Calsun

[Pipper99]

Hi MamaM,

I think what your feeling is very normal for people in our situation. In my mothers Will she is leaving us "psycho therapy money". so WE can finally get the help me need, all 3 of her children. It takes awhileto see its not you and what they did was wrong. My mothers twists her personality so much that you never know what page you on on. It makes you quesiton. is it really me? maybe if I just try to understand more, help more it will get better?

Until I entered therapy I didn't realize how much damage it had all done to me. It won't get better if they don't get some help for themselves, mine won't cause well there nothing WRONG with them.

I eventually walked away because a relationship with her and him enabling it wasn't healthy for me.

Continue reading and understanding the disease.Best of luck on your journey.

[deadradiance]

To have a relationship with a BPD mom and enabling family?

Especially when they are not able or  don't want to admit there is a problem?

The blame for anything... . for everything... . lands on us. Guilt. Guilt. Guilt.

Conversations go no where.

Such a strong guilt/obligation that we should remain in relationship.

What if it is us?

My mind in is going in circles... .

Yes, if you are willing to take the blame, the guilt, the obligation for everything, are willing to subject yourself to conversations that go nowhere.  Also, you'd have to have excellent powers of compartmentalizing away abuses and acting like nothing happened in order to make her and the rest of the enabling family feel okay with themselves and maintain a good image. 

But it won't be a relationship that offers you anything other than the "appearance" of family.  If you know what I mean.  And there is NO WAY the personality disordered parent will change for the better.  They are in a position of power (parent), the head of the family, and surrounding by enablers who benefit from keeping the family system exactly as it is.

Yeah... . there's no easy way out.  You either go along or get scapegoated.  The other choice is total expatriation.  Cut ties completely.

[deadradiance]

These are the only options when it is the parent that is personality disordered.  Because this is a situation where the dysfunctional person is in a comfortable position of power.  As parents are the rulers over their family.  You'd have other options of course, if the BPD was a sibling, friend, co-worker.  But when a crazy person has access to a position of power like that, they DON'T all of a sudden decide to consider other people's feelings, wellbeing.  They don't willingly go to therapy or stop the abuse.  That only happens when there are real consequences (such as threats of divorce, jail, being sued, or the whole family joins together against dysfunction and hold an intervention).  But a parent is in a unique position where the power is all theirs to use how they wish.  And a pd parent will always manipulate the family and set it up so that they are in control.  Whoever dares to speak up against the dysfunction will be punished and invalidated.  And the pd parent will use their power to recruit the whole family against that poor soul.  In a PD headed family, the system is upside down.  Its run by the bad guy.  Anyone with any integrity in a pd family (anyone who doesn't stick their head in the stand to abuse) will be made into a scapegoat. 

[Asa]

Good question. I have no choice, because to cut ties, I would lose the only brother I care about, who is the only family member who cares about me, and communicates with me.

So when the last verbal hydrogen bomb hit, my brother talked with me at length about how to reconcile without forfeiting all self esteem and self worth. Then I joined you folks here again, and read about S.E.T. It feels like he and I have been doing it for years without knowing it.

Since she won't ever let me get more than a sound bite worth of dialog in when we talk on the phone, and can't focus on my communication, I vow to limit conversation to housework and gardening.

Thank you for the great question, I intend to follow this thread for tips and help, as well.

Hugs to you

[jbtalt6]

Hey there Asa. It was my MIL that was uBPD/NPD but this is what I've learned over the past couple of decades.

Can you have a relationship with your Mom and her enablers? Only if you live MILES away! And even then, I would think it would take a period of time of being "NC" so you can detox in a sense. Get counseling, go to ACOA meetings (yes, I know these BPD's aren't necessarily alcoholics, but our T told us that children raised by parents who have a personality disorder/s exhibit the same symptoms) and heal yourself. I honestly think had we not left the state back when we did (DH was military) MIL would have ended up killing us. She was so volatile and out of control. A relationship with them would have been impossible. Before we left the state, we dealt with stalking, threatening phone calls, etc. We should have called the police looking back now. Don't know if your situation is like mine was but the long and short answer to your question is "no. Not now."

The jury is still out if my DH can re-build a very superficial relationship with his parents after almost 30 years of NC (except for maybe a year or so when we tried to reconcile a time or two). He was worried about the guilt he would have if they died with the situation as it was.

Good luck, and I've only witnessed how hard it was to deal with this when it's your parent. I know it took a big toll on DH, and counseling was definitely needed along the way.

((HUGS to you))

[mil-bpd/npd]

So beautifully written I felt it down to my toes. I feel you. Read about shaking off the "fog".  That is my issue as well. Peace to you... .

[jbtalt6]

OOPS! Sorry... . my post above should be addressed to mama m... . not Asa

[GeekyGirl]

To have a relationship with a BPD mom and enabling family?

Especially when they are not able or  don't want to admit there is a problem?

There's no one-size-fits-all answer to this. It's really up to you. Having a relationship with someone with BPD can be demanding, and it takes diligence on your part and strong boundaries to make the relationship healthy. It is possible, but can be a lot of work. You have to accept that the person with BPD (pwBPD) won't change without treatment (and if that person doesn't admit that there's a problem, he/she won't get treatment).

Some people do stay in relationships out of guilt or enmeshment. Some choose to end the relationship. Some work on boundaries, set appropriate limits, and maintain the relationship. All of these options have pros and cons. What seems like the best option for you?