Validation is really working

[crazedncrazymom]

I am amazed at how far my relationship has come with my daughter.  I have been using validation like crazy and SET statements.    She goes off the deep end and I'm just all like, I understand how you feel, that's perfectly normal.  When she starts to lash out, I say wow you sound really sad and frustrated right now.  Do I understand how you're feeling?  Did I get it right?  I forget what I would have said before... . probably would have argued back with her. 

She's requested a 72 hour hearing to sign herself out of RTF.  I told her how much I love her, that we as her parents and the rest of her team our so proud of her progress, but we don't feel that she's ready yet.  She is free to pursue the hearing, and if the court feels she is ready to come home, we will be happy to have her back home.  But there might be some consequences from taking it to court and she needs to make sure she is aware of them and will be able to accept the consequences if it doesn't go her way.

You don't really love me or care about me or I'd be home.  I just repeated myself calmly and we ended the conversation.  It wasn't the greatest ending as she sounded pretty dejected, but it wasn't horrible either, so that is a HUGE HUGE improvement.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[BioAdoptMom3]

That is GREAT!  I know it does your heart good to see and hear these wonderful glimmers of hope in your DD!  Validation is something I need to practice more around here with our almost 14 y/o DD!  Thanks for the encouragement you provided for me also!

[Vivgood]

 

great work!  Even those tough situations can be less chaotic, and you have less of that icky feeling afterwards.


vivgood

[griz]

ccm:  I am so glad that you are finding validation to be so helpful.  I also have found it to be a tremendous game changer in my life.  I find myself using it constantly not only with my DD18 but also with others around me.

I think you handled the conversation about leaving the RTC terrifically (is that even a word).  Kudos to you.

Griz

[crazedncrazymom]

Bioadopt,

It sure does make me feel good and gives me hope that we are going to get through this.  I didn't even realize it, but hope really was just slipping away.

Vivi,

Thanks!  That sure is the truth.  Whether a situation ends good or bad, I don't feel so guilty and trashed and wrung out.