I am a fool

[willtimeheal]

Well I am a fool.  I got played again.  My ex BPD hurt me deeply again and then text her way back in my life.  I fell for it.  I was doing fine, getting better, and I let her back in.  I was serious this time.  I was going to give her everything she wanted.  I was going to tell my family about our relationship, move in together, get married, all of it.  She convinced me she loved me and wanted me too.  All she had to do was fix the mess she created... . tell her new boyfirend she loved me not him.  I actually started to get excited and look towards the future again.  But then last night as I lay in bed I started to think that I was being played.  So I asked text this morning asn asked if she had made her choice... . me or him.  Her response... . She needs to dedicate her time to rasing her children.  She doesn't  even care about the new bf anymore and she loves me but... . The oldest child called last night and wants to come home.  She wants a fresh start with him and he knows we have had difficulties in the past.  BULL her oldest loves me and so do the others.  Talk about an excuse.  Then I got... . I love you, it has always been you, I just don't have the faith in you that you will come though with your promises.  I have lost faith after 4 years.  For 4 years I have never cheated or lied.  She was a raging alcoholic for the majority of that time.  I was a n idiot.  I played her game one more time.  I opened myself up to her and exposed my artery and she sliced it.  BPD people are sick.  It is nothing more than a sick game to play with and manipulate peoples feelings.  And I bet within the next week that bit*h will have the balls to text me and tell me she misses and loves me.  Fu**kin freak.  Crawl back under the riock you came from. 

[Lucky Jim]

Hey WTH, You sound angry.  Are you angry at her or angry at yourself?  Or both?  If you are angry at her, remember that a pwBPD has little or no control over his/her emotions and is in emotional turmoil most of the time.  If you are angry at yourself, give yourself a break, plenty of us have recycled several times and even married our BPD SO (read: Me), so you are in good company.  Hang in there, LuckyJim

[willtimeheal]

I am angry at myself and her.  I am angry for allowing myself to get sucked back in when I knew better.  And I am angry at her.  And no disrespect lucky jim but I am so sick of hearing they have "little or no control over his/her emotions and is in emotional turmoil most of the time."  Honestly after the hell she put me through and continues to put me through I have no sympathy for her.  People have bad lives and horrible upbringings and they get help and they don't blame the world for it.  There comes a time when you have to face your problems, its called being an adult.  You don't treat people that way especailly people you claim to love!

[bewildered2]

good attitude.

forget about her.

focus on you.

she is all over the place. one second she's one way, the next she feels differently. how are you (or anyone else) going to make that work? answer; you can't.

so don;t waste any more of your love on her. you deserve better. and you certainly dont deserve to be abused in this fashion.

getting angry is a very healthy step in the right direction. i'd keep going that way if i was you.

b2

[willtimeheal]

Thanks b2.

She actually just text me and said she is confused and this isn't how she wants our love and life. My response... . Delete!  She can sit in her turmoil as far as I am concerned... . She is not dragging me there anymore. Crazy lady.

[simplyasiam]

hello WTH. my name is shane i been there and kinda am there now. after six years of this hit SIX FREAKING YEARS. ive been left every three months during that time. i sue to beg for her to come back what was i thinking. this time im really tring to heal and get past this over last two months shes been gone every time i think im at a turning point she walks back in i fall for it... . hurt again today makes 15 days with no contact from her im doing better her mom told me last nite shes moving next week that made me think she done with me for good. it hit me i need to let go and get busy living really felt better till this morning i was telling her borther about her moving... . he works for me. and how i felt safe he looked me in the eye and said it will not last long she cant do it new b/f or not she will be back after you.

what im geting at is you are a good person normal person who thinks and feels like we all do we all mess up and will many times more.

spmething in us wants to play the game also i think i hopes they will change they will not most of the time. hang in there do what you need to fix you i hate saying that who the heck know how to do that.

my dads advise from chilhood always helps me... . son if its to hard for you could always quite. think of the the quiting as quiting yourself you know you can do that so you got to get tuff and make it its all that can be done.

[Blessed0329]

WTH, I said to my therapist that while my ex's behaviors may have been driven by compulsions, he absolutely knew what he was doing no matter what he did. He knew the effects his behaviors had on me, and he just didn't care, because the world revolves around him. I am just in orbit around him, along with others.

It's hard say or hear not to take it personally, but I believe it's true. Your ex's behaviors seem to be examples of her inner confusion and ambivalence. What ever effect her actions may have on you are probably not even on her radar.

[willtimeheal]

As far as I am concerned she is f'in crazy. I f'in  it hard to believe that someone can railroad people over and over and not be aware of it. Even when I stand in front of her and tell her she is hurting me. She is choosing not to put it on her radar for what ever reason. Maybe BPDs need to take a good look at their lives and ask why no one ever stays or why they have no friends or successful relationships. The whole distorted reality is a little hard to believe after a while especially when they abuse you over and over. But it is my fault for allowing them to and for sticking around.

[bewildered2]

As far as I am concerned she is f'in crazy. I f'in  it hard to believe that someone can railroad people over and over and not be aware of it. Even when I stand in front of her and tell her she is hurting me. She is choosing not to put it on her radar for what ever reason. Maybe BPDs need to take a good look at their lives and ask why no one ever stays or why they have no friends or successful relationships. The whole distorted reality is a little hard to believe after a while especially when they abuse you over and over. But it is my fault for allowing them to and for sticking around.

she is aware of what she does. but she has needs, and she is selfish, and she cares about herself before all others. you are meat to be used as and when it makes her feel good. and it makes her feel good sometimes to be mean and nasty to you. nice. but this is the disorder. that's why it is called a disorder, because it is broken and it doesnt work.

if you think you can fix it then think again. she is broken beyond repair.

so the only sensible thing for a sane person with an ounce of strength is to move far away. and let the next poor sucker try and fix her... . he will have the same results, guaranteed.

b2

[Murbay]

Willtimeheal,

When people quit smoking, there are various techniques they try. Some go cold turkey and some use nicotine replacement to gently wean off cigarettes.

There are 3 types of quitters, the ones who quit and never go back. But it's the other 2 types you need to think about and that is those who have a relapse. It is perfectly fine to relapse and it's part of being human. It's how you deal with the relapse that really matters. There are those who relapse, feel guilty about it, lose their self esteem and decide their is no point in quitting because they will only fail again.

Finally there are those who relapse, understand why they did and accept it and then put themselves back on the path to a healthier life. Acknowledging that with each relapse it's a chance to learn about themselves and make better choices moving forward.

It seems like what you have just been through, you recognise patterns that drew you in and have acceptance that you fell back into a cycle. You have acknowledged the reasons why and how that has made you feel and that will help you greatly moving forward.

You are that 3rd type of person so you are still on the right path to a healthier life and in no way a fool. A fool doesn't recognise the things you have identified so you certainly can't be one of those. View it as a chance to have a greater understanding of yourself and what you can learn from those lessons. That's the key to your success 

[Validation78]

Hi Will!

Making an error in judgement does not a fool make! So, you wanted to give it one more try, you love her, and were convinced of her sincerity. Yes, it hurts, you are rightfully angry, probably at yourself as well as her. Recognize and acknowledge your emotions, lick your wounds, and formulate a plan to move on.

What will you do from here?

Best Wishes,

Val78

[WalrusGumboot]

willtimeheal,

Our behavior changes when a great emotional investment is made in our decision to change. You being played as a fool again was your last straw, and I can tell by the tone of your posts. I distinctly remember my "last straw".

Because of this, I am confident that the decisions you made as a result of this will probably stick.

Best of luck to you.

WG

[willtimeheal]

Val78 you asked me what will I do from here?

Today I will do something for myself that I have always wanted but was to afraid to do... . get a tattoo. What not? 

[Lucky Jim]

Hey WTH, Of course I'm angry at my Ex, too, yet my point is that all that anger hurts me more than it hurts her, because she is more or less oblivious to the impact of her hurtful actions.  So rather than waste a lot of energy staying angry at someone who doesn't "get it" when it comes to the emotions of others, and who never will, I recognize that the best plan for me is to move forward in a different, healthier direction.  Sure, I'm angry at myself, too, for staying too long in a failed marriage to a pwBPD, but haven't we all stayed too long at the party?

Hang in there, LuckyJim

[seeking balance]

Radical Acceptance

- she has shown you who she is

- this is a support group for people in relationship to someone they believe has BPD

- you have the power to determine the life you want

We all went back one time too many - don't beat yourself up.

Instead, use that anger as fuel to move forward with your life.  Make wise decisions next time she calls.  Focus on you and how to not do this relationship or another version again.

[Octoberfest]

You are not a fool.  As has been mentioned, most all of us have been where you are now.  Some of us continue to be, right along side you.

There are many reasons people continue to try and make these relationships work, but there are two standout ones in my opinion:

1)You love this person more than anything

2)You want to be the one to save them from all of the hurt they have experienced in their lives, the one to make them truly happy.


Look at those motives. 

There are plenty of less noble reasons people stay in relationships; for money, for sex, for drugs, for connections.

But because you love someone and want to make them happy?  You love them so much that you are willing to put your own happiness and wants and needs aside to see them smile and make them feel safe?

There aren't purer motives to be found.

Of course, not matter how pure our motives are with pwBPD, it never works.  But that IS NOT YOUR FAULT.  It is NOT for a lack of effort. 

The relationship didn't work. That DOESNT MEAN you didnt.

[flynavy]

willtimeheal... . after I figured out the mess I was in was all a facade created by her (myexBPD/NPDfiance) I decided to get a tattoo.  I was 59yo... . gave my 4 boys so many lectures on the evils of ink.  On my right arm is a memorial to my beloved wife of 32 years who died of ovarian cancer 3 1/2 years ago.  Celtic cross with 1 white rose wrapped around it... . the 1 white rose has tremendous significance for my wife and I. Have celtic ring on top of that.  When we first met... . I bought it for her as a commitment if you follow Irish folklore it has significance.  She never took it off since I gave it to her... . 34 years.  Top Banner... . Semper Mecum... . latin for Always with Me... . bottom banner Numquam Periit Amor... . latin for Love never Dies.  Behind in in soft grey wash is a navy anchor... . if I didn't fly in the Navy I would have never met her!  Light grey wash on other side is celestial sun rays coming through clouds.  Left Arm is for me... . beautiful paciific northwest snohomish indian eagle of perseverance and fortitude with a snohomish indian sun coming through the clouds.  Banner below says Alis Grave Nil... . latin idiom for nothing is heavy if you have wings to fly!

My point... . do it... . I have never regretted this.  Love Never Dies... . She is always with me... . she was the one that compelled me to investigate all of my suspicions re: my exBPD/NPD fiance... . you see with the right one... . and I know there is someone for everybody... . Love never will Die... . you will never be alone... . Her fond memories of strength and courage in her toughest times fighting that deadly disease give me the strength to never give up!  I wish everyone on this site the fortunate blessings I had finding and marrying my soul mate... . Peace!

[willtimeheal]

Flynavy

I did it. I got my tattoo yesterday. I have to tell you there is something liberating and therapeutic about it. I got a quote that has stuck with me throughout this whole ordeal. Now whenever I look at my side I have those words to always remind me how strong I am. But the best part was knowing how scared and nervous I was about getting the tattoo and making myself do it anyways. Facing that fear was like opening and door within myself. My stomach no longer hurts I am eating and I feel happy. I know I will have up and down days but knowing I faced a fear even something as small as getting a tattoo made we realize that I can handle anything life throws at me. I just need to remember that as the days go on. Looking forward to my next tattoo already!

[bewildered2]

good for you. and it will help you stay strong when you are tempted to waver.

hang in there, we're here for you.

b2

[flynavy]

willtimeheal... . you are doing for you now!  First big step!  Hard to explain to someone isn't it.  I had your same fears of getting mine... . will it hurt... . how much... . its yours for life!  I totally believe in rituals in life... . they seem to rewire the brain... . they are affirmations of decisions in our lives or major milestones... . the Catholic church and just about any religion is big on rituals... . they connect the mind/soul (spiritual) to the body.  Just my opinion here... . You feel good not because of what the tattoo is/says but because you did it... . FOR YOU... . and you have a reminder every time you see your artwork just how strong you are!  You are on your way my man!

[willtimeheal]

A heartfelt thank you to everyone who posted on this thread. Your kind words and inspiration are truly appreciated. I know I will have up and down days but I also know I am stronger now then I have ever been. My BPD text me she loved me and wanted me back and then a few hours later recycled me again but I am good. I won't allow it to hurt me and get me down thanks to all your support. I am aware of how she functions and what I need to do to protect myself. It's crazy that something as simple as getting a tattoo... . something I was very afraid of... . has brought this whole new perspective on me. I thought I couldn't live without her but I can. I know that now. I thought I couldn't bare the pain of a tattoo and I did. I am going to be ok. I am sure I will rant on these boards still but thank you ... . all of you.