Emotional Rollercoaster

[MSE1081]

I love my Fiancé and I am determined to make it work. My biggest issue, is the emotional rollercoaster ride that I feel I am on at times with him. Things will be great... . then we it hit a wall. It is usually "something" that I did... . in fact his episodes are always focused on what I did wrong or what I didn't do right.

Our biggest issue right now is my past. Even though he has had a ton more relationships than I have had... . he has a hard time accepting the fact that there were other men before him. I try to validate his feelings... . and at the same time stand my ground and let him know that my past is my past and that I can't change it.

Should I set boundries with him? If so, how do I do that?

Thanks!

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[cylec]

MSE,

I cannot offer you words of wisdom.  I, also, am new to this whole thing, but your post is my story also.  You just summed up in a few words what it takes me several paragraphs to ask.

The best I can tell you is that you are certainly not alone, I am in the exact same boat as you.

Cyle

[Chosen]

I try to validate his feelings... . and at the same time stand my ground and let him know that my past is my past and that I can't change it.

Hi MSE1081,



From what you said, I think you handled it well.  You're absolutely right that there is nothing you can do to change the past.  If it's an issue you have addressed before, you can tell him that you have already addressed it, you wish it weren't the case as well, but you will not address it again.  This could be your boundary. 

Unfortunately, when you are with a pwBPD, you will never

[briefcase]

 

I think both validation and boundaries might help with the stuff about your past.  Validation is all about letting him know you hear his feelings and that they are valid.  Boundaries are about your limits and where you draw the line on this topic. 

For example, you might validate that he's curious/concerned about your past, but refuse to engage in endless discussions about your past.  At some point, you might want to develop a "broken record" type of response - something short and to the point that you can simply repeat each time the topic comes up.