major blowup

[moonunit]

Last night was a huge blowup - so much so that it has changed our r/s dynamics - it was the straw that broke me, i have finally re-inserted my backbone and have had enough of this dysfunctional dance !

bit of background - 5yrs ago my dad died and my SO felt left out of the whole scenario and we fought the day he died till 3am and all the next day, just brutal  :'(

yesterday my brother went in for double bypass surgery, my mom 84 has been worried sick and i am worried sick about her health. my SO sensing that she is out of the immediate family loop has a melt down. I am at my mom's waiting for a call from the hospital to discuss the surgery and she starts calling me on my cell, acusing me of this and  that, i am stressed/exhausted take the bait for a bit, all the while my mom is sitting watching me get more and more aggrivated ( i went outside to call the SO ). then i decided to stop answering my cell, so my SO flips and calls the house knowing we have not heard from the hospital. My mom jumps up to get the phone thinking its the hospital and its my SO, i quickly told her i will call her back on my cell and hang up and then we got the call from the hospital ( he is doing ok btw ). My So see's nothing wrong with her calling and went into a tirade about how my mom is the devil and this and that. Later that night she calls my mom to say sorry for calling and then rants on the phone to her about other crap and my mom hangs up. The SO goes nutso and starts calling me saying my mom is this and tha, that is when i snapped, i fielded a couple more calls and then stopped, took a sleeping pill and went to bed. Today she is still trying to justify her actions, i am sick of them and told her as much, i said last night was a turning point, things are going to change and you can either go along with the change or move on, i am no longer going to live in fear of how you will react to not answering phone calls immediately or for me doing things with my family, i am going to make changes in my life starting now !

I am sick and tired of her crap and will not take it any longer, i am doing this as politely as possible and will try not ot be a total jerk , wish me luck.           

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[briefcase]

Congratulations on deciding to live a life with boundaries!  It's a liberating experience.  Things will be very messy in the relationship at first.  Changing the dynamic is never easy and your SO will resist.  But, this is all in your control.  Stay strong and let us know how things progress.  I'm glad your brother is doing well.

[moonunit]

Thank you briefcase - as normal, today my SO is calmer, mind you she is sober - seems to be trying to get back to the old ways, my job is now to keep what i said as changes to actually become changes in our lives. I need to make these changes for my own peace of mind, i have been completely out of my mind for yrs, this last week has only shown me that she has not changed at all in 5yrs, if anything, i have allowed her bad habits to override my good habits  and i have to stop that. she will flip out, that i am sure about, i just have to stick to what i can control and if she wants to flip out i will let her, that is something she will have to deal with. She is totally projecting all the crap going on in her life onto me, and i have enough to deal with of my own crap and i am sending it back to her where it belongs, she will have to learn to deal with her emotions herself, easier said than done i know      

[moonunit]

So late yesterday we talked, she said she feels embarrassed, bad about how she behaved, she said that she realized that she is not dealing with her own things properly and that she is letting her own issues dictate her life and mine - She said that she is putting her issues on me and that is on top of issues that i am trying to deal with myself, i didn't judge her, i simply said that i am exhausted from dealing with everything. The old saying burning the candle on both ends, i told her it felt like my flames were almost burnt out i am that worn out. i let her express herself without putting any blame on her, at least that way she would not become defensive. She acted very sheepish and by her actions she should have, she acted just like a 2 yr old who wasn't getting enough attention so she acted up to get it, didn't matter it was negative attention, to her, any kind of attention is good, sad but true. :'(       

[Wrongturn1]

That's great, moonunit - glad to hear that your SO has accepted some responsibility.  That type of introspection is healthy.  Is there any chance this presents an opportunity for your SO to get into therapy (if she's not already)?

[moonunit]

Hi Wrongturn1, i am not sure if that will be a possibility, i will try to ease into that subject with her, she desperately needs therapy, to be truthful so do i. I will see how the next few days play out and if i can brotch this subject i will.

Thanks for the idea, it never crossed my mind.

 

[briefcase]

Getting a therapist for yourself is a great idea.  First, and most obviously, it will help you work through some of these issues.  My T was like a trusted advisor who helped me strategize and plan things.  Also, it's a good way to lead by example in the relationship. 

I'm glad things are calmer, but stay focused on the boundaries!

[sjm7411]

I have had the "I am no longer going to live in fear" talk with my BPh too.  It's so much easier said than done and I wish you the best.  It's hard not to be fearful when they dysregulate because you just never know what's going to happen or how they're going to embarrass you or themselves.  I find myself having moments of strength that alternate with moments of fear and anxiety... . every scenario is something different, something I can't control or prevent or extinguish, and it scares the daylights out of me. 

[Steph]

 She still needs to resolve her alcoholism. Have you been to Alanon, as yet?

Steph

[moonunit]

Hi Steph, no i have not gone, this past 6 months have been brutal, it appears things have settled a bit, i will look into it over the next few months. I am starting to put in place some boundaries now, some seem to be actually staying in place. Once i get them nailed down then i can move to the next steps. It has been a struggle and she keeps trying to push back but i have to stay firm, i can't go back to the way it was over the last few months.

Thank you for your advice.