Still struggling

[Ahhhh431]

So I haven't had contact for about a month now with my exgf -- but my co-workers have been hanging around her and of course tell me about it and post pictures on Facebook.  They told me she is getting a new house and moving this week - I had no idea she was moving and for some reason this really triggered feelings of anxiety in me, made it just that much more real that she is moving on and I am no longer apart of her life. She seems like she is doing so good.  I don't understand how a month ago she told me on the phone she "loved and missed me", asking me if I saw a future for us together... . then denied that we were anything more than friends to our mentor.  I guess I'm just struggling with if ever she ever thinks about me or if I was ever meaningful to her life.  I tried so hard to always be there for her for whatever she needed.  We talked alot during the day, probably more than what is healthy and I became such a big part of her life, I just wonder if she notices or if she just replaced me.  She started talking to another guy the day we broke up, of course she said he was just a friend. But I found out the night she called me, she was upset because he was hanging out with other girls and she said he "had no boundaries with girls".  I just want to move on, but it's so hard for me when she was such a big part of my daily routine and life -- then just to have it taken away is very hard for me... . I don't understand how it is easy for her? She opened up so much to me and told me parts of her life I know she doesn't just share with everyone... . but I put effort into her, I wanted to know her not just what she showed everyone else.  She always told me that she trusted me so much, and that she never felt so close to someone -- how can the lose of that not effect you?

[mango_flower]

No advice, I can just comiserate with you... .

What gets me, is that the new relationship she's in is almost as long now as the time WE were together.  So for her, I guess I'm just "Somebody she used to know" whereas for me, she's still a massive part of my life and I think about her every day.  It's like being stabbed over and over... .

I was told those things too, that she trusted me, I was the only one she'd ever felt like this about... . and now she's telling her new fiancee the same I'm sure... . it hurts like hell.  It was true at the time though... . just feels like it was just yesterday we were together, but for her, she has a whole new life.

I wish I could give you some amazing advice that would make it all fall into place for you... . bu I don't have any.

Every day is a day further from her though, and though that feels scary, it's a good thing long term.

x

[xenia]

I don't have much to offer in terms of comforting words Ahhhh. Just want to say that being "forgotten" is a huge source of pain for me as well. Once I can get over that, I know I'll be out of the woods.

[Ahhhh431]

I have a question, I just started wondering this after I read your replies even though it doesn't have much to do with them  

My ex would always tell me that "no one ever did anything this nice for me" "your the best boyfriend I've ever had"  -- When I questioned her on why we couldn't see each other at least once a week -she told me I was the first guy she had hung out alone with in two years... . as if to imply I should feel special enough that she even spends time with me -- then when she went on a date with a guy behind my back she told him that it was the first date she had been on in two years... . which wasn't true as we had gone on many.

Why would she do that? To make you feel more special than you are? Like she values you over everyone else?

[Octoberfest]

I have a question, I just started wondering this after I read your replies even though it doesn't have much to do with them  

My ex would always tell me that "no one ever did anything this nice for me" "your the best boyfriend I've ever had"  -- When I questioned her on why we couldn't see each other at least once a week -she told me I was the first guy she had hung out alone with in two years... . as if to imply I should feel special enough that she even spends time with me -- then when she went on a date with a guy behind my back she told him that it was the first date she had been on in two years... . which wasn't true as we had gone on many.

Why would she do that? To make you feel more special than you are? Like she values you over everyone else?

In short, yeah.  It's part of the idealization.  They make us feel special, like we are the first one in their LONG histories to "Get" them.

I've mentioned it before, but I used to joke with my BPDex and my friends and call her my succubus.  I honestly was not far off at all.


Ahhh, you and I are on a very similar page as far our stories go and as far as the questions and things that have been plaguing us.  I don't know how far out you are, and you may already be noticing it, but it DOES get easier.  I have come to see through my BPDex a little bit, and to recognize what it is that I am really missing when I have those hard days.  It isn't her.  I do not know your BPDex, but with these people it is usually a safe bet to say they have histories and habits that do not generally fit well with some peoples idea of "who they want to marry".  I know mine didn't.  I did not really want to marry a girl who had slept with 30+ guys before me at the age of 21. That smoked, who had abused prescription drugs, who lied, who cheated on me, who got pregnant and miscarried another mans child while with me, etc.  So why was it so hard for me to let go?

It is because I miss the feeling of being able to absolutely open up to someone.  To be absolutely comfortable with who I am around someone, not have my mind constantly going as to my next move to look cool or be liked.  I loved loving someone, making someone happy, being close with someone emotionally and physically.  

It is very easy to take an experience like this and make it all about the other person.  But often times, it is much more about ourselves.  Figure out what it is that you really miss, and if it is something specific to HER or merely a role that she filled.  


For the record, I do genuinely believe that our BPDex's meant the sweet things they said to us when they said them.  They did love us.  That was real.  They just do not have the capacity to follow the normal grieving process that follows the loss of a relationship.  They are so incapable that many if not all jump immediately into a new relationship to ease the pain.  These are tortured souls.  I mentioned some things about my BPDex; she is not happy or proud of those things.  They (and many more things I didn't mention) are the source of her shame, shame that she must live with every day.  I said in a previous post that I do not believe in people being cursed, but if there ever were, pwBPD would be them.  I weep for them, because all they do is try and feel "ok", make the pain stop, and they end up hurting themselves even more.

Be ever so grateful.

[Hurtbad]

Octoberfest,

You  hit the nail on the head when you said they probably did really love us that much.  Where they are different, among other ways, is that when they move on, they use the new person as a distraction and a palliation so they won't feel pain, that professionals tell us, would be unbearable to them.  It does not make me hurt any less when you first understand this, but at least it opens a door of insight, that starts to make sense over time.  the downside is that you realize that they are more damaged than you ever believed, and that, deep down, you know that it would not be healthy to ever go back to the person you still feel was the love of your life. 

The other thing you wrote, I also agree with.  We need to look hard at ourselves about why we ignored the red flags, accepted infidelity and  tried to manage erratic and angry behavior.  I can see in my case where my own need to feel special was fed by the dynamic of this relationship.  And, in the general way of all love affairs, including between two healthy, mature adults,  I was madly in love with her.  We have to realize that... . to use a term we use often on this board... . we can not "split" them or "paint them all black" either.  Mine broke my heart and left it for dead.  But for a good part of the time, the left side of her bed was the happiest place on my earth.  It is the grey complexity that makes it all so painful.

All we can do is go forward, accepting that we may never fully understand their behavior,  try and comprehend what we can, and feel better a day at a time.

To the original poster on this thread.  It does get better.