I'm lost. Again.

[tcevans78]

I am not in a romantic relationship with my son's BPD father, but we are supportive of one another, like old friends.  Not "buddies", but sometimes we get along okay and can enjoy one another's company.  He comes to stay with us for a few days once a month or so while I work my over night 12 hr shifts, then sleep most of the day.  I do 3 or 4 in a row and he watches our son.  We interact an hour or two a day.  While I'm sleeping he likes to read my phone: text messages and FB messages.  I use to be hyper-vigilant and hide my phone under the mattress, or delete everything religiously in a constant state of panic.  I've been open and honest that I'd been seeing someone else and then let him know it had ended (conversationally relevant to our son - not his business otherwise I say).  In the meantime, I decided that he's a big boy and if he wants to read my phone- he can go for it.  I'm taking the toddler discipline approach - natural consequences.  If it hurts his feelings - then sorry! well, he read a message between me and my xbf and left in a silent rage.  We didn't talk for weeks.  It was great because I felt free.  I felt like I didn't have to hide in shame.  I don't like hurting him - but it's my life and I have the right to live it with respect and love.  I did nothing wrong. 

So, this visit he decided to read my phone again and has been interrogating me about every message on there.  Quoting them back to me, being verbally abusive (we're normally cordial), and twice has picked immense fights with me.  All with our 2 yr old son around.  He tried grabbing our son out of my arms and I stopped him.  I said his aggression is inappropriate.  He kicked me.  My son said, "daddy's scaring me."  My son is usually happy when I leave to go to work when his grandma is there, and normally when dad is there.  This time he cries for me not to leave. 

It's thick.  The constant belittling, degrading, shaming, accusations of b.s.  I listen, acknowledge his feelings, apologize where appropriate, and ask how I can help the situation.  I remain calm until I have to stand up for myself.  Next time (if I can tolerate a next time) I'm just turning my phone off and hiding it the entire visit.  But then I start to think he's changed because I start eliminating triggers, and think we'll reconcile maybe one day. 

Anyway, no real point but today was damned hard.  It was so hard to see his illness owning and controlling him.  For the first time, I was detached.  Completely.  I didn't engage, or get roped in, or let it take over my body or emotions.  I'm so relieved, yet it feels bizarre.  Bizarre to watch a person writhe in such pain.  So ill.  And I can't help him.  I just can't.   :'(

I'm sad.  And helpless.  And bewildered.  How can a person continue to live in such pain and refuse to get help?  I'd be desperate for help - ANY KIND.  If I felt that bad.  It's just the deepest sadness ever.   

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[123Phoebe]

I am not in a romantic relationship with my son's BPD father  

being verbally abusive (we're normally cordial), and twice has picked immense fights with me.  All with our 2 yr old son around.  He tried grabbing our son out of my arms and I stopped him.  I said his aggression is inappropriate.  He kicked me.  My son said, "daddy's scaring me."  My son is usually happy when I leave to go to work when his grandma is there, and normally when dad is there.  This time he cries for me not to leave.  

But then I start to think he's changed because I start eliminating triggers, and think we'll reconcile maybe one day.  

Anyway, no real point  

I'm sad.  And helpless.  And bewildered.  How can a person continue to live in such pain and refuse to get help?  I'd be desperate for help - ANY KIND.  If I felt that bad.  It's just the deepest sadness ever.  

Tcevans, I am going to be straight up honest here... .  You are not helpless as far as you and your son are concerned.  It sounds like your compassion is misplaced.  All that sadness and bewilderment directed towards him won't do anybody any good.

All of that looking at your phone stuff with interrogations to follow is a bunch of noise and B.S.  He kicked you, he grabs at your son, your son is afraid of him and cries when you leave him alone with this dude.  Those are the facts.

What are you going to do to ensure that something like this never happens again?

[tcevans78]

Tcevans, I am going to be straight up honest here... .  You are not helpless as far as you and your son are concerned.  It sounds like your compassion is misplaced.  All that sadness and bewilderment directed towards him won't do anybody any good.

All of that looking at your phone stuff with interrogations to follow is a bunch of noise and B.S.  He kicked you, he grabs at your son, your son is afraid of him and cries when you leave him alone with this dude.  Those are the facts.

What are you going to do to ensure that something like this never happens again?

Maybe you're right.  I spend so much time trying to downplay the damage.  Why?  I am afraid of what he will do I suppose.  I try to limit my time with him, and keep our interactions brief and cordial to avoid "triggering" him.  If I told him not to come around any more (which I am considering) I'm afraid of what he'll do.  Show up at my house acting all crazy.  He once said he is afraid of what he'll do to me he hates me so much, and writing that here feels -surreal?- he said doesn't want to be together because if he caught me cheating he'd kill me.  Two days ago he told me to leave for work early, to get out because he was afraid he would hurt me.  I left.  

I don't know why I'm tolerating it.  It has caught me off guard because this hasn't happened in 2 yrs (why he left our house to begin with).  

I'm scared.  I don't really know what to do.  Could it really be time to take drastic measures and make him take me to court for any visitation rights?  I'm confused.  

I am really hoping I get this job so that I can be financially independent of him, and be able to stand on my own two feet again.  Plus, I won't need him to watch my son so I can work.  In the meantime... . I just don't know.  I don't know.  

[briefcase]

You need better boundaries.  First, your phone should be off limits to him.  First, its an invasion of privacy.  Second, if you end up in a custody/vistiation dispute with him later, he may "remember" some of the stuff he read on your phne and give it a negative spin regarding fitness, etc. - not saying the will do this, but its a not hard to imagine. 

I strongly encourage you to work with a therapist regarding the physical abuse.  It's not ever ok to be kicked, and especially not with a two year old looking on.  It will help to work with a therapist to develop a safety plan. 

As far as interactions with him, it might help if you read the lessons here and learn some of the communication skills. 

[tcevans78]

I have considered very seriously cutting ties with him and just giving everything up and moving into a homeless shelter.  At least then I'd be free from his b.s.  I just haven't been ready to make the drastic changes necessary to be free from him when we see him a few days a month, and usually it's tense, but fine.  

This trip was unique and I didn't think it wise to start boundary setting in the moment - which would have escalated things and put me in danger.  

He is gone now and just sent me an apologetic text message (of course) and the next time we talk I will have to explain why he can't come back unless he's receiving treatment of some kind.  I am typically a stand up and fight (so to speak) person, but for the past month or more have only been able to cry.  I cry almost every day and I'm tired.  I have been trying to get an appointment with a psychologist for two months and they've been rescheduled and canceled and now I finally have one in 3 more weeks (sheesh - I feel like I'm dying waiting).  I've been reading about boundary setting because I have a hard time with everyone.  

I guess that's why I'm posting.  I'm a little stunned and overwhelmed and feeling immobile.  I don't know where to turn for strength.  I stayed calm while all the crazy was happening out of surprise - but don't know what I should have done.  Honest.  Just told him it's time to leave?  And lose my job?  And be homeless?  Maybe my priorities aren't straight here?  

[bruceli]

I am not in a romantic relationship with my son's BPD father, but we are supportive of one another, like old friends.  Not "buddies", but sometimes we get along okay and can enjoy one another's company.  He comes to stay with us for a few days once a month or so while I work my over night 12 hr shifts, then sleep most of the day.  I do 3 or 4 in a row and he watches our son.  We interact an hour or two a day.  While I'm sleeping he likes to read my phone: text messages and FB messages.  I use to be hyper-vigilant and hide my phone under the mattress, or delete everything religiously in a constant state of panic.  I've been open and honest that I'd been seeing someone else and then let him know it had ended (conversationally relevant to our son - not his business otherwise I say).  In the meantime, I decided that he's a big boy and if he wants to read my phone- he can go for it.  I'm taking the toddler discipline approach - natural consequences.  If it hurts his feelings - then sorry! well, he read a message between me and my xbf and left in a silent rage.  We didn't talk for weeks.  It was great because I felt free.  I felt like I didn't have to hide in shame.  I don't like hurting him - but it's my life and I have the right to live it with respect and love.  I did nothing wrong. 

So, this visit he decided to read my phone again and has been interrogating me about every message on there.  Quoting them back to me, being verbally abusive (we're normally cordial), and twice has picked immense fights with me.  All with our 2 yr old son around.  He tried grabbing our son out of my arms and I stopped him.  I said his aggression is inappropriate.  He kicked me.  My son said, "daddy's scaring me."  My son is usually happy when I leave to go to work when his grandma is there, and normally when dad is there.  This time he cries for me not to leave. 

It's thick.  The constant belittling, degrading, shaming, accusations of b.s.  I listen, acknowledge his feelings, apologize where appropriate, and ask how I can help the situation.  I remain calm until I have to stand up for myself.  Next time (if I can tolerate a next time) I'm just turning my phone off and hiding it the entire visit.  But then I start to think he's changed because I start eliminating triggers, and think we'll reconcile maybe one day. 

Anyway, no real point but today was damned hard.  It was so hard to see his illness owning and controlling him.  For the first time, I was detached.  Completely.  I didn't engage, or get roped in, or let it take over my body or emotions.  I'm so relieved, yet it feels bizarre.  Bizarre to watch a person writhe in such pain.  So ill.  And I can't help him.  I just can't.   :'(

I'm sad.  And helpless.  And bewildered.  How can a person continue to live in such pain and refuse to get help?  I'd be desperate for help - ANY KIND.  If I felt that bad.  It's just the deepest sadness ever.   

Because the pain is caused by everyone else in there eyes and it has nothing to do with them.  If everyone and everything is to blame, then what could THEY possibly do to make it better?

[arabella]

I have considered very seriously cutting ties with him and just giving everything up and moving into a homeless shelter.  At least then I'd be free from his b.s.

***

I guess that's why I'm posting.  I'm a little stunned and overwhelmed and feeling immobile.  I don't know where to turn for strength.  I stayed calm while all the crazy was happening out of surprise - but don't know what I should have done.  Honest.  Just told him it's time to leave?  And lose my job?  And be homeless?  Maybe my priorities aren't straight here?  

First of all -   

Now then... . Why can you not cut ties and stay in the house? I get the impression he's already moved out, so why do you need to leave? I think I'm missing something?

What should you have done? You should always do the best you can at the time - no more, no less. And you did. So you did great! There is no point in looking back with hindsight and second-guessing yourself. You were caught totally off-guard and you managed as best you could. You showed great inner strength there to not fall apart or escalate the situation! So all of that is done now.

The question you need to ask is "now what?" You are dealing with a man who is physically abusive to the mother of his son, in that child's presence. A man who will grab for a small child, which could have resulted in physical injury, and scare him into crying. Until he gets treatment he should NOT be left alone with your son. In fact, you have a child who is begging you not to leave him because he's frightened. No good. From how you described your schedule, it sounds like you have a month to figure out alternative care arrangements for your son so that you can work. Do you have other family that could help out? Are there community resources you can tap into? Given the threats, both past and present, you might wish to get a court order regarding your son's exposure to your ex as well as a restraining order so that he can't come onto the property or follow you around. In any event the priority should not be 'avoid triggering your ex' so much as it should be to protect yourself and your son.

Here's another boundary for you too (per Briefcase's commentary): your phone is off-limits, anything he snoops into there is 100% NOT up for discussion because he wouldn't even know about it if he hadn't been boundary-busting.

I'm sorry, Tcevans, this is a horrible spot for you to be in. You've done everything right - he's just gone and escalated things. It isn't your fault, but now you're going to have to deal with this new reality.

[Grey Kitty]

Other folks have pointed out some big things, and I see you struggling with them.

Meanwhile I'm going to suggest something smaller and practical.

You can secure your computer/email/facebook/phone so that he cannot get them or read them.

He has no right to snoop. The idea that his distress over it was his problem didn't work: He got distressed and made it your problem and your son's problem.

Put a password on it. Make sure it isn't something he could guess. Also do lock it up/etc. where he won't have physical access to it. He has proven that he isn't trustworthy in this regard.

[Blazing Star]

Hi tc,

Feeling for you     

It sounds like you have reached saturation, and that you need someone to come and look after and nurture you for a while. Crying every day is hard.

Are there some small things you could do for yourself right now? To nurture yourself, and build your strength again?

Buy a new body scrub and take some time to pamper yourself in the shower/bath.

Make a nice drink (doesn't have to be alcoholic, could just be water, ice and some cucumber and lime or whatever you have in the fridge), and sit in the evening sun breathing deeply.

Watch your favourite movie.

Could you do a few little things throughout the day for yourself?

Love Blazing Star

[tcevans78]

Gosh. In the face of so much support I have felt at a loss. You are not helpless as far as you and your son are concerned.  It sounds like your compassion is misplaced.  All that sadness and bewilderment directed towards him won't do anybody any good.  These words by 123 Phoebe have been ringing in my head.  What am I going to do to make sure this doesn't happen again? 

I keep typing responses but it's all just words.  Lip service.  What am I going to DO.  Not what will I try for, wish for, hope for, cope.  This accountability to actually TAKE CHARGE of the situation has me thinking.  Why is my compassion SO WRONGLY misplaced?  What is going on that makes me defend my perpetrator? 

Why do I down play his negatives and play up his positives? 

Why do I protect him?

I was bewildered as a child when my  mom defended my grandfather who sexually abused me.  She did this exact same thing, and I knew she was crazy.  This week, as I've thought hard about what I would do, all that came to my mind was in defense of my perpetrator.  I had to say to myself, "T, what will you DO TO MAKE SURE THIS NEVER HAPPENS AGAIN?"  Well, he didn't mean it.  He probably won't do it again next time.  He's a good person.  He doesn't mean to hurt us.  It's not his fault he is ill.  I should probably do better at not triggering him... . "  Then I'd catch myself and realize I wasn't answering the question at all. 

WHY DO I DEFEND AND PROTECT MY PERPETRATOR?  WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH ME?   I have an initial visit with a psychologist on the 18th where I am going for an ADHD eval.  I'm thinking I have to work this in. 

[arabella]

Talking to a professional sounds like a GREAT idea! You've brought up a lot of important ideas and concepts. You're right though, it's all just talk unless you actually do something to change the situation!

First thing's first: do you have a plan for alternate childcare for your next set of night shifts?