The next big step

[causticdork]

I very recently went NC with my ex, after months of trying to keep a friendship together, and even though I feel relieved to have her out of my life, there's something I struggle with terribly when going NC.  When we're friends and things are at least amicable, I genuinely do want what's best for her.  I'm happy when things go her way, and even when she's moving on with someone new (which hurts a little) it still makes me smile to know that maybe she'll find a way to be happy someday. 

Every time I've attempted NC she's unleashed the Kraken of BPD slurs at me.  Essentially she blames me for things that were entirely her fault, tells me all the reasons I was an awful girlfriend, and accuses me of things that just straight up never happened.  By the time she realizes that I won't respond, and thus slows down on the attack messages, I find myself really wanting bad things to happen to her.  Not like I'd ever do anything to cause bad things to happen to her, but I find myself stewing in all the misery I know she's brought on herself.  She lost her job, she's barely hirable due to two huge gaps in employment (over a year stretch each time, with me and the ex before me, both of whom supported her while stayed home and got high), and her current relationship is looking pretty doomed. 

She's miserable and depressed and has very little going for her.  If I wanted to sit around and gloat to myself about how much her life sucks without me, it would be a really easy thing to do.  The thing is though, I hate feeling that way.  I hate that right now I get a bit of sick pleasure knowing how unhappy she is.  I hate that I waste chunks of time imagining how much it's going to suck for her when rent comes due on the first and she doesn't have a dime to her name, or when her boyfriend finally follows through on a break-up (he's left her and then come right back twice in two months).  I know that she's sick and that she has very little control over the way she reacts to intimate relationships.  When we're friends I'm very sympathetic to that, but being friends isn't healthy for either of us right now.

I want to go back to genuinely wishing her well.  I want to get to a place where if someone were to tell me that she found some awesome job and got engaged I would be happy for her. Does anyone have any tips on getting past the pettiness inside your own head?  I won't act on any of it, and when I catch myself ruminating on how miserable she will probably always be, I do make a conscious effort to redirect my thoughts and try and remember that she's not a monster, but a very sick and confused girl who is hurting very much.  Is there anything else I can do to let go of this residual anger?   

[Lao Tzu]

Dear Not-at-all-a-Causticdork,

     I suggest you stop being unhappy with yourslf for having the mere thought of nastiness concerning the pwBPD.  Of course you wouldn't follow through with any of the bad ideas your mind might come up with... . duh.  The nasty thoughts, I believe, are just part of the internal discussion in your brain while you're processing things.  Give your brain a little time and be a little nicer to yourself.  By trying to be friends you have continued something more than n/c when it might be that what would be best for you (remember you?) is to get on with your life in that scary place we think of as the real world.  Her rent/eviction, etc. is her problem but it's hard to think of it that way if you still think of you and her as one combined entity.  She really isn't your other half is she?  You are a whole all by yourself, and a pretty nice one by the look of it.

LT

[seeking balance]

There is no magic pill to get to that place - it takes TIME and FEELING each of the emotions that come up as you grieve the relationship.

Anger is part of it

Depression will be part of it too

I am glad you see that your friendship is not good for either of you right now - the best thing you can do for you is to give yourself the TIME it takes to grieve - you lost a significant person in your life, anger is normal and helpful in the detachment process.

[causticdork]

I think I'm just not used to the anger in general.  I'm not beating myself up for it too badly, but I don't like it.  I don't like the way it makes me feel inside.  I feel heavier when I have all this resentment to carry around.  Like it bogs me down.  I guess it's just like any other post-break-up feelings though.  I just have to feel it and recognize it and then try to let it go. 

Has anyone had any luck with ways to facilitate the process of letting go of that anger when it hits?  If I were still a smoker then those would be the moments when I would go have a smoke and mellow out, but it's been two years since I hit the nicotine, so I just try to breathe slowly and let it go.  I've tried meditation, but my brain never shuts up (that's a lifelong problem, and not due to my current situation).  Any other tips?  I don't want to do that unhealthy thing where you ignore/bottle up the anger.  I want to learn to let it go. 

[seeking balance]

I think I'm just not used to the anger in general.  I'm not beating myself up for it too badly, but I don't like it.  I don't like the way it makes me feel inside.  I feel heavier when I have all this resentment to carry around.  Like it bogs me down.  I guess it's just like any other post-break-up feelings though.  I just have to feel it and recognize it and then try to let it go. 

I have heard that anger is the mask for pain - the heaviness tends to get better with a good cry... . but this stuff is not really forced - but you can lean into it.  This means feel it, not try to avoid it or tiptoe around it.

I did  a lot of hot yoga in my anger times - hard to stay pissed when you are sweating and struggling in some pose that my body was not accustomed to.  I have seen posts where some folks got into boxing and running - physical releases are a natural way to process... . but a good cry is really how to heal that heaviness... .

[causticdork]

I definitely agree that crying helps.  I have cried a LOT for this relationship, and I'm sure there will be more tears eventually.  Right now all I feel is a sort of distant sadness, and a lot of desire to see her suffer.  Like my brain wants retribution for all the suffering she caused me, even though I know she's sick.  Plus, she suffers every day without any help from anyone. She's miserable.  I feel like I'm fixated on these thoughts of how miserable she's always going to be though. I keep catching myself daydreaming about how her new bf will probably wise up and leave before she has time to triangulate, and how there's no one around to support her financially now except her mom, which means she'll probably have to move back home (which she absolutely HATES doing). 

It feels kind of satisfying, actually.  It feels like karmic justice being doled out by the universe.  I guess I just want to find a nice, happy place in my mind where I wish her well, but not to the point where I feel like I want or need to rescue her.  At the moment I feel more like pointing and laughing at her than rescuing her, but I want a happy medium. 

I've been exercising a bit more, and it does help, but it's in the triple digits around here right now, so I've had to stick to indoor activities.  Painting helps too.  Maybe I'll give yoga a shot here soon.  Thanks for the suggestions.

[seeking balance]

sounds like you might be in a depressed phase of the grief process... . it's ok, it will pass

eventually, you shift and realize you are a bit more alive, less "heavy"... . it just takes time.

[babyducks]

Hey causticdork,

you and I turned up here around the same time and I remembered your screen name and bits and pieces of your story.

here is my experience.  Last weekend I had contact with my Ex and I handled it badly.  Again.  that thwack thwack thwack you hear?  Its my head bouncing off the keyboard.  Shhhheeeeesh  when will I ever learn?

It is becoming apparent that my time frame for healing is, oh how should I say, not particularly realistic.  <cough>

I went through a period of being very angry at her.  I put her picture up on my bedroom wall and if I told you one third of the things I said to the picture, well I really really hope you wouldn't understand them.

I am pretty much passed the anger now.   And find myself slipping into some real grief.   Hidden under both the grief and the anger was the fact that I love her.   Still do.   And man that hurts.  So it becomes one of two things.   Grief.  or Anger.

My solution to both is to keep moving.  And keep taking care of myself.   And keep hoping this will get better.

no real words of wisdom here, just another Me Too.

babyducks

[seeking balance]

It is becoming apparent that my time frame for healing is, oh how should I say, not particularly realistic.  <cough>

no real words of wisdom here, just another Me Too.

babyducks

I beg to differ - this is very wise ... . it takes time, lotsa time