Just need an ear and some kind words

[tiredpartner]

I've lost count of the episodes the last couple months. This one started because he wanted to take his daughter to the movies and leave mine home by herself. I didn't feel that was ok and I told him she shouldn't be left out while you two go do something special, I asked him to please at least wait until I get home then her and I could do something one on one. I got ripped up and down and told that I made him feel so bad and now he knows what kind of person I think he is and it turned into I'm always right and so much other stuff that didn't even make sense.

I'm having a really hard time. It's getting harder and harder to deal with him blaming me for our screwed up relationship. I try so hard everyday and it feels like the harder I try the worse it gets. The more solutions I give him to help our communication and respect for eachother, boundaries I set, or even little things I do for him to try to show him how much I love him and care about his happiness, it doesn't matter. It always turns into I just want to be right or he can't come to me with his feelings or it's my fault for the way we are. I either walk on egg shells to not stir up trouble and live in my own misery or try to talk to him when things come up just to hear him yell at me and tell me everything that's wrong with me and our relationship and live in misery anyway. Nothing I ever do or say, in 8 years, is ever good enough. That's the part that kills me. Because believe me, I should probably wear a Superwoman suit at this point. I've done everything out of love but I swear any other human being would feel grateful and lucky and wouldn't question my love and devotion for a second. I want to be so close to him and I want us to be able to talk. But I feel like it's never going to happen. I feel so helpless and hopeless.

I have a patient in 10 minutes. I'm in my office at work with the door locked trying to stop crying and calm down because my heart is breaking.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[simplyasiam]

ive been where your i know it hurt you give so much just to be kicked when your down.

i wish i could say something that would help you just wanted you to know your alone

[briefcase]

Sorry you're struggling right now.  We know what that's like.  

It may be time to retire the superwoman cape for a while and shift the focus a bit more onto yourself.  It sounds like you're exhausted.  Take a step back, regroup and gain some strength.  Simple things help, like eating right, exercising, talking to friends, doing some fun things.  Worry a little less about him and the relationship and a little more about you and your own health!  

[Bloomer]

I have also been where you are.     

I agree with Briefcase that you should focus on yourself. Here are some things I started doing that really helped me get through, and eventually started leading to progress in my relationship with my uBPD H:

1) Learning and using validation skills better

2) Having time to myself

3) Knowing in my heart that I wasn't do anything wrong

4) Knowing in my heart that if this r/s didn't improve I would survive (even though it would hurt)

5) Dealing with my sadness/anger on my own and not with H (self soothing)

Sounds like you definitely need some self soothing right now. I have done everything from cry in the bathroom, to meet with a friend who understood and could give me a hug and let me cry if I needed to. I've also found other things that help me release the feelings in a more positive way. Someone suggested I make of list of things that make me happy so I can get over the pain without bringing it into my relationship (b/c H wasn't capable of helping me deal with that)

My list includes: 1) Cuddling with my dog 2) Baking 3) Journaling 4) Painting or sketching

What would be on your list?

I also want to tell you, it can get better. I hope you have a good support system (in person) around you right now. Cyber hugs don't always cut it     

 B.

[maryy16]

We've all been where you are... . just wondering Why?Why?Why?  Sometimes I feel like I could just burst into tears for no reason because I am so stressed... . never knowing what each day will bring.

If my H can't find something to blame me for, then he just becomes a real ___.  Like if we come around a corner at the same time and meet each other face to face in the hallway, he'll say angrily "Get out of my way!". Or god forbid I don't hear something he says and I ask him to repeat it! I get "You're so deaf... . I can't believe you couldn't hear that!  I'm not telling you now!" When in reality he is the one with the hearing problem, a problem he fully admits to!

I have no real advice to offer, just support. 

[tiredpartner]

Thank you all of you. That's all very helpful. I will make a list. I'm sorry others have to go through this, too, but I'm glad I'm not alone.

[z 7873]

Right there with you. I've really bent over backwards to meet the needs of the kids and uBPDw, work full time, do all the grocery shopping, cooking, and I try to be kind and patient and validating as much as possible, yet I am finding myself having to convince myself and everyone in the family that I'm not the rotten person that uBPDw paints me as. She'll find fault in mist things I do unless I'm absolutely perfect, you'd have to be a telepathic saint to get approval. And God help me if I'm ever right in some objectively provable manner. I get shamed to being wrong and punished for being right. Fun times.