What to do when you're feeling crazy and panicky and want to contact them?

[Emelie Emelie]

Anybody got any advice on this one?  I've clearly got my own abandonment issues.  The pain just starts to overwhelm me and I get scared and panicky and obsessive and then I'll find some reason to text him.  And that never goes well.  I am so embarrassed by some of my behavior in this break up.  Cringe worthy.  Feel like I gave all my dignity and power away.  What can I do when I start to feel that way to calm myself down and NOT contact him?

[shaggysoul]

Hey sweetie,

I read to bring me back to reality. Try radical acceptance, co-dependent no more, healing the shame that binds you. Concentrate on the patterns and how crazy he is. YOU DON'T WANT to keep doing this. But it's like an addiction I know. Realize that the more you contact them, the more power you give them. screw that.

I will message you back when I have a little more time, on vacation with friends right now

[Surnia]

Emelie

So sorry to hear about you, feeling scared and overhelmed. 

Take some deep breaths.

Do you have good friends? You need some distraction, otherwise you are perhaps ruminating to much?

Did you ever consider to reach out for a T for yourself?

[emotionaholic]

Just like shaggy soul said.  I read.  I just started reading "loving someone with BPD" yesterday while I was desperately trying to convince myself not to contact her and to stop jumping every time the phone rang or a car drove by.  It helps to bring clarity of the illness and the dynamics of the relationship into better perspective.  That and I have to keep chanting in my head "she will contact you when she is ready"  Until then I Have to continue on with life.  If she never contacts me then I will most likely be better off.  It sucks though.  I feel so isolated and alone right now.  I think I will turn the music up and clean.

[Emelie Emelie]

Emelie

So sorry to hear about you, feeling scared and overhelmed. 

Take some deep breaths.

Do you have good friends? You need some distraction, otherwise you are perhaps ruminating to much?

Did you ever consider to reach out for a T for yourself?

I did just meet with a T for the first time last week.  I am definitely ruminating too much.  Obsessing.  I do have a couple of close friends but I feel like I've dumped on them so much in the past few weeks.  Not to mention the last break up two months ago.  Really sad part?  He was my best friend.  I've got a lot of challenging stuff going on at work right now and he was always my biggest supporter and cheerleader.  In fact I did "break down" and contact him about some stuff that was going on at work Thursday night and he was wonderful.  Extremely supportive.  Checked in with me a couple of times Friday to see how everything was going.  He really wants to be friends and at times like that I wish we could.  But I know that's not a great idea. 

[Emelie Emelie]

Just like shaggy soul said.  I read.  I just started reading "loving someone with BPD" yesterday while I was desperately trying to convince myself not to contact her and to stop jumping every time the phone rang or a car drove by.  It helps to bring clarity of the illness and the dynamics of the relationship into better perspective.  That and I have to keep chanting in my head "she will contact you when she is ready"  Until then I Have to continue on with life.  If she never contacts me then I will most likely be better off.  It sucks though.  I feel so isolated and alone right now.  I think I will turn the music up and clean.

Funny because I tried to turn the music up and clean but every freaking song on my iPod reminds me of "us" and I end up bawling.  So freaking pathetic. 

I get how you feel.  I get a text notification or the phone rings and I "leap" only to be disappointed.  I'm in a different place however in that I am not going back.  Even if he does come back.  (Although my most immature self would like to be the one to end it this time.)  I did all the reading on BPD relationships when I was in it.  Read all the breaking up material over the last few weeks.  I don't want to waste anymore time on that.  I'm resentful about it.  How hard I worked to understand and accommodate  his "disorder".  I accepted ridiculous behavior that I would have never accepted in a different relationship.  And now he tells me he'd really like to have dinner when we can do so without "drama".  Meaning me getting emotional.  He who couldn't control ANY of his emotions. 

[eniale]

When my ex totally rocked my world by cheating on me, I was totally devastated.  Could not see therapist for a week, so left town to visit relatives.  Meanwhile, he started emailing me, even knocked & knocked on my door.  Wanted to remain my "friend."  Finally called him.  More hurt & pain for me, so I emailed him & told him I was finished, did not want to be his "friend" after what he did.

Besides therapist, I am blessed with good friends; they were lifesavers, and I researched and read about BPD like crazy.  The first 2 months were beyond awful; don't even want to think about them, but I forced myself not to contact him, instead, I would call a friend, or read some more.

Also went waaaay out of my comfort zone by challenging myself with a new activity, something completely different from anything I had ever done.  One friend said "you are amazing" and I said "no, I'm not, it was either that or lie in bed in fetal position." 

Now, 6 months later, I am progressing nicely in my new activity, have resisted his efforts to reconnect after 4 months and have no intention of ever contacting him again.  So sorry you are hurting so.  Try some of the suggestions others have posted.  I fear contacting your ex may bring you only more pain.  Things can and will get better, even though that seems impossible now.  This is the worst part.  I promise you, it can get better !  Hang in there; Good Luck!

[seeking balance]

Anybody got any advice on this one?  I've clearly got my own abandonment issues.  The pain just starts to overwhelm me and I get scared and panicky and obsessive and then I'll find some reason to text him.  And that never goes well.  I am so embarrassed by some of my behavior in this break up.  Cringe worthy.  Feel like I gave all my dignity and power away.  What can I do when I start to feel that way to calm myself down and NOT contact him?

It is during these times that I think we can gain a little insight into how a pwpb feels much of the time.

Learning to self-soothe is something many people with abandonment issues struggle with.  Learning to be alone and ok alone takes time.  The things I did in addition to therapy - the "in the moment" things:

went to yoga, walked, took the dog to the park, called a friend, posted on the boards, practiced meditation, studied BPD facts so I could use logic at staying away, prayed... . basically anything to get your mind/body through the panic.

DBT gives tools on how to work through these moments also.  Take some time to research DBT and use those same skills to help you during this time - I did, it does help.

It will be ok, you will make it through the panic when you let yourself.

Peace,

SB

[supernurse]

Oh my goodness, this is the thing I seem to struggle with the most.  I don't have friends or family that will take a call at 2:00 in the morning when I can't get to sleep or I wake with my heart racing with a panic attack, sobbing uncontrollably because I miss his arms around me.  Besides, I have only told a couple of people about everything that's going on because I will be ashamed when I end up taking him back.  I call or text my husband because I know he is most likely awake, too, because of his awful sleep patterns.  Only now, he is in bed with his girlfriend, not "sleeping" in his office.  I know his girlfriend thinks I am the crazy, stalking, wife, and sometimes it appears that I am.

How can I miss someone so much who has hurt me so bad? 

[Emelie Emelie]

Hi Supernurse... . Been there at 2 in the morning.  It's awful.  Screw his girlfriend.  Don't care what she thinks.  She'll be there too eventually. 

I ask myself that same question constantly.  How can I miss him so much?  How can I want so desperately to go to him to stop the pain when he's the one that caused the pain?  (I get that i let him.)  I have a few hours when I think I'm okay and wham.  Right back to sobbing messville.  And then I text him. 

Today (so far) is going to be my first day of not texting.  I made it four days the first week.  It's also the anniversary of the night we met.  I am going to do my very best to concentrate on me and not contact him.  I've set a date of 9/1.  If i can make it that far I'll have accomplished something.  Not sure how I'll handle it if he reaches out but I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.  Friday he texted that he'd like to have a drink when I can do so "without drama".  I'm thinking about that a lot and the more I do the madder I get.  (Good!)  What the heck?  Really?  Like that's some sort of reward for me?  He of course defines drama as me getting emotional.  He who would completely lose it and scream and rage and punish.  Who would be horribly irritable and mean.  But God forbid any "drama" from me.  I have no idea what his motivation is.  Keeping me on a string I guess.  But also not having to take responsibility for his behavior.  If we're "friends" then it's all good for him.  He doesn't have to face how badly he hurts people.

[Indigo Sky]

Hi! Hope your feeling better!

Try sitting down and writing all their bad behaviors, words, lies, etc

You will not remember all so keep working the list when you remember something.

When you start to have the urge to contact them, pull out the list!

You can also make a list for how much better your life is now they are gone!

You can also call a friend, go for a walk, do something to take your mind off of them.

Best wishes and take care of yourself

[Trick1004]

Friday he texted that he'd like to have a drink when I can do so "without drama".  I'm thinking about that a lot and the more I do the madder I get.  (Good!)  What the heck?  Really?  Like that's some sort of reward for me?  He of course defines drama as me getting emotional.  He who would completely lose it and scream and rage and punish.  Who would be horribly irritable and mean.  But God forbid any "drama" from me.  I have no idea what his motivation is.  Keeping me on a string I guess.  But also not having to take responsibility for his behavior.  If we're "friends" then it's all good for him.  He doesn't have to face how badly he hurts people.

My ex also left it open wanting to meet and talk when I was ready. This is really one of the things that keeps me in check when I have wanted to text or email her. I get angry when I think about how this is how she wants to keep things open, like she is doing me some sort of favor by wanting to meet when I am "ready". I also have no idea what she wants to talk about, and also figure it is her way of avoiding any blame of her role in the r/s or to give me any kind of recognition of all I did for her during the time we spent together. Until I receive from her a more concrete reason why she still wants to meet and talk or some kind of appreciation for all that I did for her and put up with, I will NOT initiate any kind of contact with her.

I am realizing that this is the only way I can regain control and power back from her in the aftermath of the r/s ending and ultimately move on. I haven't expressed these to her and don't feel it is my responsibility to do so, but these are terms I have set up for myself if we ever do meet and talk. I also remind myself that she was the one who walked away the r/s and I have no obligation to be there for her in whatever context she wants me to remain in her life. She used me enough and drained enough of my energy while in the r/s and I refuse to allow her to attempt to continue doing so now that is has ended. She is going to have to give me far more by her own choice for me to consider meeting her, if this doesn't happen I know I will be wasting my time. 

[VeryFree]

Take your mind of things. Do other things. Be sure to get tired.

When I got in this kind of mood, I would put on my shoes, leave my phone at home and start walking (never minding the weather, never minding the time of day/night). Just walking. One hour, two hours, three hours. Just walking, looking around, clearing my mind.

Back home the situation is still the same, but because of our movement our body has come to rest: the adrenaline is gone. Our muscles are tired.

Just try it. For me it works fantastic: clearing my mind AND working on my body 

Try not to overexercise though!

[Surnia]

Emelie

Good to hear you started working with a T!

Today (so far) is going to be my first day of not texting.

 

Hang in there, it will get better. 

[huhhuh]

I have made a deal with myself when I feel the need to establish contact.

The deal is that I never ever must contact her if I feel sad, depressed or craving for validation. I then tell myself that if I one day want to contact her, it will be a day when I am am happy and in peace with myself.

The point is that when I have moments of happiness and peace I don't feel the need to contact her.

But I need to say that the reason for me to create this rule is based on bad experiences when calling feeling sad. She would simply degrade me and give me only the opposite of what I need.

[Emelie Emelie]

Yeah.  Right now I'm feeling super vulnerable and the only thing that's stopping me is my last shreds of pride.  I want to so badly but I dont' want to debase myself like that agian.

[empower-me]

huhhuh,

That is such a good point! When I feel happy and solid I don't feel weak and feel like I miss him or whatnot.  But... . when I feel sad or depressed then i am struggling with that fight to want to hear his voice or whatever.

What a good point and a good contract with yourself.  I may have to steal this from ya... . thank you for sharing!

e-m 

[huhhuh]

empower-me:

I actually think I stole it from somebody else. So I better give credit to that person instead

It keeps me from not breaking NC, But I have no idea how to stop the intense sadness  

[empower-me]

I know right?

I was doing so good and then it hit me this week like a ton of bricks! Whenever I feel like i've finally turned the corner and can move forward without the sadness or missing him then something triggers inside me and I'm back to almost square one!

It's so frustrating, not being able to trust myself... .   or my emotions I should say. what gives?

[VeryFree]

I have made a deal with myself when I feel the need to establish contact.

The deal is that I never ever must contact her if I feel sad, depressed or craving for validation. I then tell myself that if I one day want to contact her, it will be a day when I am am happy and in peace with myself.

The point is that when I have moments of happiness and peace I don't feel the need to contact her.

But I need to say that the reason for me to create this rule is based on bad experiences when calling feeling sad. She would simply degrade me and give me only the opposite of what I need.

Very good post and a very good deal with yourself!

I had a moment of doubt myself yesterday. Even though I really don't want to get involved with my x anymore, I felt like I needed validation from here. Wanted to hear she did wrong things to me and to hear I'm allright.

I wrote a mail and when it was nearly finished I got a call from a friend and a very nice conversation for an hour or so.

After that I read my mail and asked myself: what am I doing? I'm not going to get any validation from her, she's not going to give me closure. She didn't during our 10 yrs r/s, so why would she start now?

So I kept the mail, but didn't send it.

I'm going to put this contract on paper an place it in a very visible place!

[Surnia]

Yeah.  Right now I'm feeling super vulnerable and the only thing that's stopping me is my last shreds of pride.  I want to so badly but I dont' want to debase myself like that agian.

Great you can feel some pride. 

And each time you could resist to contact him give yourself a big  . You deserve it.

The contract is a good idea too.

[laelle]

I think we look for them to "heal" our pain.  The problem is, you can't heal pain with pain.

The only way to heal pain is to go through the stages of grieving and detachment.

You have not lost control of yourself... . you only need to realize that you have that control and your not about to let ANYONE else have that control ever again.

At the advice of another insightful member here, when I wanted to contact my ex, I told myself that I could, but wait another day and see how I feel about it.

During that time, my moods shifted greatly and often.  I squirmed and wiggled a lot in discomfort.  I had the same classic panic attacks that you are having.

They come and go... . soon, if you really do the work on yourself, they will stop.

I kept trying to focus on ME, and the fact that the relationship does not work.  If I contacted him what good would that do?  It would only open up a can of hurt for both of us.

There was no longer any place for him in my life because I took up both spots with taking care of myself.

No one will ever treat me the way I was treated ever again!

You can do this!

 Laelle

[Emelie Emelie]

Waiting a day is a good idea.  Today is day three of not contacting him.  If I can get to 30... . that's my goal... . I hope I'll be past wanting to so badly.  But OMG I miss him.  Not the bad parts.  The good parts.  And there were lots of good parts. 

But I'm trying to understand that what I thought was love from him really wasn't.  It was more about him than his feelings for me.  Trying.  I'm just so sad.

[laelle]

Emelie,

When you think of love what comes to mind? 

When you think of a person who does not like you and hurts you, what comes to mind?

When you think of your ex, what comes to mind?

I do not believe their behavior is intentional.  I believe they "feel" at times that they love you, just the same as they "feel" at times that they hate you.

Both are true for them.  They are mentally ill.  You can not gauge your relationship by them, their meter is broken.

The selfishness of them is not that they dont care about you, its that their one single goal is to take their pain and shame away.  They have no time for you and your pesky needs, when theirs are soo painful.  They must stay two steps ahead... . whatever that takes.  It's for their own emotional survival.

What does that mean for you?  A lifetime with them of never being allowed to have any wants and needs met, little to no emotional intimacy, no trust, while dealing with verbal abuse, lying, constant criticism, gaslighting and self absorption.

Its not that you cant have sympathy, its that in the end, you just cant have a satisfying and whole relationship with them.

 Laelle

[Emelie Emelie]

Iaelle - He comes to mind in both of those scenarios.  And I know what you're saying is true.  But I miss him so much I can't begin to deal with it.  I make it through the work day and I come home and cry for hours.  I actually can't believe he's not contacting me.  He who a few short weeks ago had to know where I was and what I was doing every minute.  I just don't understand it.  I know it's not "reasonable" it's not "sane".  I also cannot understand why I can't get a grip.  Why I am such a f"ing mess.  This is not like me.

[papawapa]

You can contact me instead 

[laelle]

Emelie,

You are not you right now.  In these "loaded" relationships we lose who we really are.  We become enmeshed with them.  We feel we will die without them.

I know this first hand... . because I was in EXACTLY your shoes 4 months ago.  I NEEDED my boyfriend fix.

If you need to come home and cry, come home and cry... . Its a good thing to cry.  If you need to be angry, be angry.  You have every right to be angry.

Turn the focus from him, on to yourself!  What can you do for you?  I started cooking, going to the movies every Saturday nite and eating chinese food.

I created "other" things in my life that formed a constant pattern.  No longer can the rug be pulled out from under me.  My life is stable, and I am living it for me

and my children.

I do not feel that the person who is suppose to love you most can also be the person that you like the least.  We need constancy, stability, trust and support from our partners... . all time, not 50,60 or even 90% of the time.  The loss of trust is TOTAL.  There is no room for percentages in that.

crazy+normal = crazymaking  ALWAYS!

 Laelle

[danley]

When I feel like reaching out or contacting my ex I sit there and remind myself of the pain I felt when he said or did something horribly crazy. I let the feeling I had back then saturate in me and I shake my head in disbelief and end up putting the phone down or walking to a different area.

When he reaches out to me or texts me It's a different story. Sometimes I get fluttered and a rush of happiness comes to me. But then I try to sit in silence and remind myself that his old ways is still at play. He wants contact on HIS terms and when HE needs me. I start to feel anxiety because I cannot relinquish the last bits of dignity I have left. Most times it works and I walk away. But there are still times when I end up thinking something positive about him and I end up responding.

The best thing that works for me is that I keep myself busy reading. I do a lot of self talk to remind myself that I deserve to be treated with respect and not like someone he's ashamed of. I say little prayers to myself whenever he's around me at work. This helps a lot as it soothes my racing mind.

I do Hang out with friends and family. They help keep me occupied. I don't talk too much about my ex to them anymore as I think they've heard enough to make an assessment of him that's not very favorable. I also have ventured into volunteer work to keep me busy. Keeping busy is vital for me to stop the thought of texting my ex. It's funny because when he texts me and I'm busy being busy, I won't respond right away and he'll get salty. As tho I should respond immediately. But the longer I take to respond the better I feel about myself. It's as tho I feel like he doesn't have control over me.

TRy some of the suggestions from others here. They all sound like great ideas for when you get panicky and wanna contact your ex.