Not sure if I did anything wrong.

[lostandbroken]

My BPD girlfriend and I have been living together for a few months now and last night I got ambushed. At least I think I did. After I went to sleep She woke me up saying she wanted to ask me a question. She wanted to know if I keep my options open? I said I don't understand the question. she said what is there to understand do you keep your options open? I said I only want her to be with me if she wants to be with me if and I only say if I want to stay. So yes I keep options open that if I'm hurt too much I can leave. well then she started accusing me of being unfaithful and not loving her. I said I understand how you could feel that way however I think if you're being unfair to me. after that she kept raging and throwing barbs my way. so I chose to sleep in another bed for the night. then she was mad because I wouldn't come to bed. Was it rightght for me to draw a line and not put up with her untrue accusations?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Vindi]

i think you did the right thing, instead of fighting, sleep in another room, and yes, waking you up in the middle of the night, about

keeping options open, probably wasn't the best time for your gf to present this question.

She may have fear that you will leave, when things settle down with her have the conversation.

Again, you did the right thing, just talk it over with her, and hoping she will be in a calm state of mind.

[coasterhusband]

Removing yourself after giving fair warning that you will do that is absolutely the right thing, IMHO. Good job, that's hard to do in the face of that sort of situation.

While it's VERY hard for non-BPD SOs to do, I'd say just don't engage. If she wakes you up with a trap, DON'T SPRING THE TRAP! I've started using the Admiral Ackbar line "It's a trap!" when my uBPDw starts down that path. I say it with a smile on my face, and then give her a dismissive hug and an "I'll always love ya, don't worry", then break off IMMEDIATELY.

She'll almost always say "I feel like you're dismissing my concerns", but again, this is the second stage of the trap, don't take it!

I just follow-up with a "I'm sorry you feel like I'm dismissing you, but I don't feel like a conversation like that is healthy for us to talk about". Then I stop engaging.

Be prepared to have a decision like this come back at you... . she'll almost certainly remind you later that you dismissed her and that it happens all the time and you hate her because of it. (Or something similar)

[briefcase]

I have a boundary about not engaging in heavy conversations at night, especially if I am already in bed and asleep!  

The late-night, anxiety-fueled accusations are a pretty common phenomenon around here.  The only way to stop it is to not engage.

As far as her question goes, its probably a no win question for you.  She asked a black and white question (in her mind) and you gave her a gray response (in your mind).  You two aren't even remotely on the same page here.  She's looking for unconditional reassurance that you love her and aren't about to leave her.  You tried to give a nuanced response that yes, indeed, you have limits, even if you don't want to be with anyone else.  She's in the realm of emotion, you're being logical.  

The best response is validation of her emotions.  What do you think she is feeling (not thinking) that promted her question in the first place?  Insecure?  Afraid?  Worried?  Figure that out (not always easy) and address those emotions directly (by-passing her question).  "You sound worried.  What's on your mind?"  

We all "keep options open" to some extent in a chosen relationship.  That doesn't mean we aren't committed or that we have someone lined up on the side.  If you need to supply some answer, you don't have to say you are keeping options open, you can simply tell her that you're committed to her, and that there is no one else at all that you are interested in but beware, these kinds of reassurances will be fleeting comfort to her, and she will probably keep asking).

I hope some of this will be helpful to you.  

[lostandbroken]

It always feels like I'm jumping thru hoops. Never getting credit for the ones I make it thru but if I miss one well then I missed them all.

[coasterhusband]

As far as her question goes, its probably a no win question for you.  She asked a black and white question (in her mind) and you gave her a gray response (in your mind).  You two aren't even remotely on the same page here.  She's looking for unconditional reassurance that you love her and aren't about to leave her.  You tried to give a nuanced response that yes, indeed, you have limits, even if you don't want to be with anyone else.  She's in the realm of emotion, you're being logical.  

Just to second this point - absolutely crucial point to understand for this and for all future incidents. Just repeat to yourself "She's in the realm of emotion, I'm in the logical realm. Never the two shall meet." You'll never change her mind with logic, no matter how sound it is. That's the curse of the non-BPD in many ways -- this, like your relationship, and thus your life overall, is all about HER emotions. Period. Full stop.

[lostandbroken]

That is where I am constantly stuck and can't seem to break myself out of. Whenever emotions come up my logic kicks in. I can empathize when I can logically understand the emotion and so many of our conflicts come from the fact I understand on one level but yet can't on another. Then I have my inner voice screaming when does this cross the line and I can't let her get away with it. That's probably clear as mud.

[Cipher13]

lostandbroken

Actually that is crystal clear. You are still using logic to understand a feeling that someone else is having. This kind of thing happends to me al the time. I feel the same way you do... . at first I want to combat this with logic and defend myself agains the accusations.  Thus fueling and biting on the "trap". 

Thats the best advise I can give becasue I too fail more often than succeed when a "Rage" happens.  I know there are a lot of things to remeber but you did what I have yet to try and that is stop the conversation before it gets beyond the point of no return and sucks you in.

briefcase I would love you establish the boundary of not engaging in heavy conversation at bed time.  Because for me 99% or all the issues I end up having is at this time.

It always feels like I'm jumping thru hoops. Never getting credit for the ones I make it thru but if I miss one well then I missed them all.

You could be more right. Not only do we miss all the hoops, but we did it on purpose.  Perfection is near impossible to achieve even occasionally, and impossible to achieve 50% of the time. To do it 100%... . won't be enough either!

[lostandbroken]

Right now she is trying to get even with me by giving me the cold shoulder. I recognize the tactic but it is tearing me apart inside but I'm doing everything I can to not let it get the best of me.