Vacation?

[daylily]

We have a family vacation planned for August.  I posted before about the craziness that ensued when my mom booked her ticket to come with us on vacation.  My H wanted my mom to come at first, even said he wouldn't go on vacation if she didn't come to help with the kids, then changed his mind and didn't want her to come because our son may want to hang out with her instead of him.  After a long period of silent treatment, I talked to my H and he said he doesn't want to be the one to tell her she can't come, so he was just going to wait and see if she decides herself not to come along.  I want her to come, because I think she'll be a big help with the kids and it would be nice to have someone to hang out with if H dysregulates (which he always does on vacation - I'm sure you can relate).  We don't need to hang out with her the whole time; in fact, I've told her that she should take some time to herself to relax and we'll go do "family" things while she's relaxing on her own. 

Although my mom made her reservation, she only paid a deposit and she got cancelation insurance so she can cancel without penalty.  She's been going back and forth with her decision.  At one point, she said she wants to go, and the only thing that would keep her from going is the fact that H doesn't want her to go.  I told her that we should never make decisions on the basis of H's "feelings."  Now her latest decision is not to go.  I don't know whether to convince her to go, or just let the decision be.  Any advice?

  Daylily

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[Chosen]

Yikes, daylily, I feel for you.  You got your H who's indecisive, and you got your mum who's indecisive as well.  And you're in the middle so you can't win.

If I were you, I'd probably leave the decision to your mum, not trying to change her opinion.  So if and when your H asks about her final decision, you can honestly say you've got no role to play in that.  Because I have a feeling he will have something to say whether your mum comes or not in the end (if she comes, and he doesn't want, then he is annoyed.  If she doesn't come, and he feels that she declined because of him- whether that is true or not- he probably feel guilty and gets angry). 

[Grey Kitty]

Can you be a little more explicit about what you personally want?

[daylily]

Thanks, Chosen.  As usual, you've got my situation figured out because you are going through the same thing.   

Grey Kitty, maybe I'm indecisive too.  What I've wanted all along is for my mom to come, but I always question myself after H gets upset about something.  What I'm trying to avoid is changing what I want based on H's whims.  Of course, as Chosen points out, no matter what ends up happening, H won't be happy.

I guess my real question is whether or not it will be better to have my mom there if H is dysregulated or if it will do more harm than good.

  . daylily

[Chosen]

For me, I find that I can come up with Plans A B C D E... . and there'll always be that one situation which I haven't considered.

It's natural for you to considered whether it's helpful for your mum to be here, or not, yet at the end of the day you won't be able to predict what will happen.  So perhaps as Grey Kitty said, it's more helpful to look into whether you want your mum to be there.  But then I understand it won't be an easy decision... . if things go "wrong" then you may second-guess yourself too!