I want to be done with this hell

[BPDdaddy]

I can't seem to shake the effects of trying to get through this summer alone with my children on the weekends, and the thought that this will never end.  The empty feeling that comes from suddenly being betrayed is compounded by the lack of positive things to do at my internship.  I feel like I have failed to get anything going through law school, and that when law school comes around again, I will not have the time to do what is needed to do well.  While I am trying to build a support network and dig myself out of this hole that I find myself in, I feel like the writing is on the wall and that all the hopes that I had to provide my children with a better future than I had have been dashed.  Single parenting as far from my family and friends while trying to figure out how I am going to support my family is one of the most difficult things I have ever faced, and I don't know if I can do it anymore.  I felt fine, for the most part, until she issued the false protection order against me, and since then I feel like I have been destroyed spiritually, mentally, and physically. 

[Leaf]

I felt fine, for the most part, until she issued the false protection order against me, and since then I feel like I have been destroyed spiritually, mentally, and physically.  

BPDdaddy, I can understand that false protection order feels like the final blow. I've read some of you posts and it seems your wife has written a new script with the help of her therapist in which she is the good character and you are the villain. That she can convince her mail-order therapist is one thing, but now she has apparently convinced the legal system.

So now you've been betrayed by the legal system as well, and that's so tough. Because the facts are you've only been doing your best for her and your children, even going out of your way to satisfy her when her demands didn't seem quite reasonable, and sometimes making choices that weren't the best for you and your career etc.

I feel for you   and all I can say is try to give yourself some time and space to FEEL how terrible and how unfair all this is. Especially when you're not used to alotting time to you and your feelings. I recently learned how to feel through things and what you do is you go ahead and feel sorry for yourself. And feel entitled to doing that! And notice it when instead of feeling sorry for yourself you start feeling sorry for your wife – some kind of projection, happened to me all the time. If you alot some time to be by yourself and really feel through things, after half an hour you're done with it for the day and you're better able to concentrate on other things. Anyway, that's how it works for me. But maybe you're way ahead of me in the feeling business.  

Because your wife has allies who believe this script, it's so much more difficult to improve things between you two. If she would stop painting you black she would go against the script, which now has an official stamp in a way.

I hope you can find happiness in giving your kids your full attention in the weekends. No use worrying about the future and thinking about the past. You can only do so much in one day so it's better to concentrate on the now. "Live in day-tight compartments" as Dale Carnegie says (in 'How to stop worrying and start living', but that's easier said than done. Anyway good luck to you BPDdaddy, I hope you will find some peace.

[BPDdaddy]

I beat the false protection order, but I think that her main reason in issuing it was more to knock me down--I had been getting up on my feet at the time--than it was to actually have it issue.  The problem is that it seems to have worked at dragging me back into the pit, especially when there is little to no support here for me as I work to be there for the kids this summer. 

[Leaf]

I'm happy to hear you beat the protection order.  That's not something you want hovering in the background when you're trying to build a new life. I'm sorry she knocked you down good by having it issued. You can only take so much and betrayal is the worst. I read somewhere that manipulative people prefer 'they win - you lose' and that the best you can hope to get is a 'win - win situation'. Because you beat the protection order at least you have an equal playing field to work from.

Are you at all angry at your situation and at her role in it? I was wondering about that because "I want to be done with this hell" sounds like something between anger and depression and your post also sounds like you could use some angry energy. But maybe you're already past that phase and the next is depression. I'm asking because in some of your posts you said you broke her heart but I couldn't find how, or it must have been calling her bluff about divorcing you, but I wouldn't call that you breaking her heart. "You're breaking your own heart" is a lyric about the personality disordered bf of a country singer. Anyway, you've probably been through all that in some other thread. I was just wondering if you had been through the angry phase or haven't yet because maybe you're blaming yourself in some way.

[BPDdaddy]

I think I finally went through the angry phase when the false order issued.  I was angry that I had spent so much time trying to calm things down and that she was still trying to cause more chaos.  When it issued, it interfered with everything I was trying to do to build (i.e., the move, my internship, the money that I thought I would have to continue my public interest internship).  Now, I think, as I am trying to get through organizing, being there for the kids, and a very lonely summer, I have hit depression.  I want to just be able to work and have a peaceful life for myself and the kids, and I want for them to have a happy life growing up with more opportunities than I ever did, but I don't see a way to finding this. It is so hard just trying to take care of them on the weekend as a single parent in and of itself.  I will continue to plod along, but it is just so hard doing all of this completely alone, for the most part.  I know I'm just adjusting, but I don't know how I am going to make it though law school while dealing with all of this successfully.  How I will even take the bar is a big: ?

[Suzn]

How I will even take the bar is a big: ?

How far away is this, time wise? BPDdaddy if you look far ahead the amount of things to do from now until then can be overwhelming. You do sound depressed, what are you doing for you, how are you coping? Is it time to speak with your T or your doctor for some additional support?

This feeling is temporary. It will probably last a little while however it will change, it will get better. Try to focus on just today.