I think shame is at the heart of personal growth Nolisan.
There is nothing else worthwhile about it. I read once that we feel guilt for what we do, and shame for who we are.
But shame is imposed. For me, shame is a familiar emotion. My FOO issues have to do with not being good enough... . and because it relates to who I am, it is shame-based.
We hook up with pwBPD because they are familiar too. They are the temporary remedy to the same FOO shame. But like the people who inflicted the initial shame, these lovers go on to be just as with-holding, dismissive, judging and shaming.
Like you, my strongest legacy emotion as I recover from narcissistic abuse, is regret and shame at some of the things I did.
But we can not let them off the hook like this! Our integrity and over-functioning sides are what got us into these crazy-making relationships in the first place. We should not let them dominate to the point of keeping us connected to them. We must let it all go: including the regret and shame.
My exBPD/NPD let fire with the silent treatment, and after the pleading and begging failed to work, I let rip with some very angry and hurtful voicemail messages. And they use this
reaction to justify ongoing silence. Crazy catch 22.
But I forgive myself. I let it all go. And I know that in the moment, I was reacting as best I could. As nuts as it sounds, it was probably the most appropriate response at the time.
Hard to let ourselves off the hook isn't it? But it is so important to our recovery. I am finally getting better at it.
I am determined to retain my vulnerability and being open to pain. But I am never going to linger too long in shame again.
Hope you don't either!
Bb12