new school

[Parents! Get help here!]

well today I found out my dd16 got her transfer approved for a new high school. I was so excited to tell her and thought she would also be excited. Her old school caused her a lot of pain. Bullying by best friends and others throughout last year even when she was no longer a student there. Well she is not excited... . I think she has a lot of anxiety about going to this new school. She does know kids there but she is worried about finding her classes and who she will eat lunch with. I am a bit worried about her response and I hope her anxiety doesn't grow more as we approach the first day of school. I have told her I will get her schedule early and I will have a friend show her around the school before it starts etc... . but I am worried... . I am wondering if she just wants to return to her old school even though it has been hell on earth... . any advise?

[jellibeans]

well today I found out my dd16 got her transfer approved for a new high school. I was so excited to tell her and thought she would also be excited. Her old school caused her a lot of pain. Bullying by best friends and others throughout last year even when she was no longer a student there. Well she is not excited... . I think she has a lot of anxiety about going to this new school. She does know kids there but she is worried about finding her classes and who she will eat lunch with. I am a bit worried about her response and I hope her anxiety doesn't grow more as we approach the first day of school. I have told her I will get her schedule early and I will have a friend show her around the school before it starts etc... . but I am worried... . I am wondering if she just wants to return to her old school even though it has been hell on earth... . any advise?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[qcarolr]

jellibeans - How can you help normalize this anxiety for your D? I am not very good at this, but my gd8's T has been working with me for gd's anxiety. That these are feelings I would have going to a new school. Getting to tour the school before it starts is a great strategy. Is there a way to meet any of her teachers or school couselor before school starts? Can she get together with some of the friends at this new school before the first day? Maybe a cookout or something at our house - so you can meet them too?

The T says the worst possible thing is to allow gd to give into the anxiety - for me to support that it is awful or too scary or too hard.

I know I gave up with DD27 too many times in helping her get through her anxiety - she acted out in such strong ways against me I would go into self-protect mode.

Not sure if any of this is helpful. New beginnings can be worth the effort.

qcr  

[BioAdoptMom3]

As a parent and an elementary teacher for 31 years one thing I have noticed, not the be all and end all of bullying I am sure, I would be rich if knew that, but loyalty is a great defense against being a victim of bullying.  So if you can do as qcr suggested and have some type of event at your house before school starts, with a lot of the kids who are going to the new school with her, that should be very helpful.  If you have time I would also try inviting one or two kids now and then to your house just to hang out with her, to go to a movie or other fun activity, out to eat with you, anything.  Anything that will build loyalty is great!  Through my own experience and that of my two oldest kids it seems like the older they get, the more mature they become (generally) and there seems to be less bullying!  Is she in any type of class where she can form a good bond with others, like band, chorus, drama, etc.?  Those classes usually tend to have a lot of nice, more serious about school kids and most of those kids will be together in those classes for the duration of HS.  Definitely do the tour, maybe even 2 or 3 tours of the HS.  The more familiar she is with it the less anxious she'll be.  My DD starts HS this year.  She is anxious too and I am also a worried mom!   

[crazedncrazymom]

Hi jellibeans,

I think you're doing the right thing by changing schools.  It could just be that "school is school".  My kids aren't excited or thrilled about going back to school.  Well dd is excited but that's because her discharge date is 2 days before school starts and she is looking forward to being with "normal" kids.  I love the idea of getting her schedule early and showing her how to get to her classes.  At least she won't be lost.

[jellibeans]

I wish I could have some friends over before school starts but my dd does not have any friends... . and even if she did the thought of a party would also cause a great deal of anxeity as well. I asked her to contact some old friends for middle school that go to her new school but she thought that was dum. I don't understand why this is not a good idea but she will not reach out to them. I told her that when she goes her first day to look for people she knows in her classes and see what lunch they have. I hope to try and give her some ideas on how to make friends. She is very pretty girl and popular but doesn't have friends? does that make sense?

Her main fears are getting lost and not having anyone to eat with at lunch. I hoping people are kind to her and she doesn't get into conflict with people whish is usually what happens. The slightest thing she will take very personal and feel slighted over the least little thing.