I am seeing a T but uBPDw doesn't see my results.

[Cipher13]

So if I have been going to T for the last few months and my W says she isn't seeing results and that he is a joke what do I say back? Long story short we have had problemfor years. She would say I have a porn problem and would rather touch myslef rather than her.  I have admitted to viewing it and have done that on a few occations.  Translates to her mind... . I have a problem. Can't stop. I must be doing it every second of every day that she can't see what I am doing.

I have been honest and open. especially more recently about the past.  I have discussed all this with T. She wants to trsut me. I want her to trust me. I am doing all I can think of. However T can't give me a task list that will allow her to see I can be trusted. She wants results to be imediate. 

Now i know I have caused this initially but I have paid the price and have been trying to do what ever I can since.  Now I have to go find a different T because this one sucks in her mind. In my mind I felt it was a person I can confide into and express my feelings. I have no one else I can talk to about this. But this isn't supposed to be for me its supposed to fix me.

I dodn't know what to do. Evey little things that happens is directly involved with this. Example today she says to call her mom to ask a question about our dogs staying with them. I sent a text as I was on my work phone. She says I said to call her not text. Then says this T is a quack and not helping you fix yourself at all. Thast just 1 example. everything that goes wrong ends up with that logic.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[briefcase]

You probably need to let go of your wife's opinion of your T.  Allow your wife her opinion, but don't forget that you have an important opinion about your T too.  This is your call, not hers.  Your therapy isn't about her, its about you. She's doesn't get to dictate.

Sure, she'll be unhappy about your decision to stick with your T (if that's what you decide), but that's ok too.  Your wife is allowed to be unhappy too.

You may want to think about your boundaries around this issue - what are you willing and unwilling to share with your wife about what goes on in therapy.  When I was seeting a T, I mostly kept the discussions about it at home to a very general level, things like - I'm working on myself and feel its helping.  No nitty gritty details.  That was my boundary.  Otherwise, your wife's invisible hand will continue to influence you, and your therapy, even while she sits on the sidelines. 

 

[Cipher13]

Well in T she is kind of what the topic ends up on. Similar things that are discussed here.  She has an expectation of what the T is for. I originally went to see if that expectation coul dbe met. Knowing what I know now I doubt anythign will truely meet it. Maybe from time to time at best but eventually it will never be fulfilled.

Maybe this is the topic that causes the explosion. figured it would be about my family but something needs to happen or I will just always only be reacting to her.

[Wrongturn1]

I'm with briefcase on this one.  Make your T be about what you can do to get healthier, not something your wife is directing. 

If the goal of your therapy is to "fix" you such that your wife is able to trust you, I'd say that's an unachievable goal.  In my estimation, people with BPD are not capable of trusting a spouse or significant other, so no matter how much you change or how transparent you become, your wife will never trust you b/c she's not capable of trusting you, period.  (If she undergoes her own therapy and works very hard and gets to a point where her BPD is basically in remission, your wife might then be capable of trusting you, but it sounds like that's not happening.)

[bruceli]

So if I have been going to T for the last few months and my W says she isn't seeing results and that he is a joke what do I say back? Long story short we have had problemfor years. She would say I have a porn problem and would rather touch myslef rather than her.  I have admitted to viewing it and have done that on a few occations.  Translates to her mind... . I have a problem. Can't stop. I must be doing it every second of every day that she can't see what I am doing.

I have been honest and open. especially more recently about the past.  I have discussed all this with T. She wants to trsut me. I want her to trust me. I am doing all I can think of. However T can't give me a task list that will allow her to see I can be trusted. She wants results to be imediate. 

Now i know I have caused this initially but I have paid the price and have been trying to do what ever I can since.  Now I have to go find a different T because this one sucks in her mind. In my mind I felt it was a person I can confide into and express my feelings. I have no one else I can talk to about this. But this isn't supposed to be for me its supposed to fix me.

I dodn't know what to do. Evey little things that happens is directly involved with this. Example today she says to call her mom to ask a question about our dogs staying with them. I sent a text as I was on my work phone. She says I said to call her not text. Then says this T is a quack and not helping you fix yourself at all. Thast just 1 example. everything that goes wrong ends up with that logic.

My guess here is that what you are possibly learning from T and possibly using is no longer working to her advantage any longer so her projection is it is no longer working FOR HER... .   Just a guess... . Kinda been in your shoes with this... .

[pallavirajsinghani]

Your T is legally, ethically, professionally, clinically, in all shapes and forms and for ever until the kingdom come:

... . is only for YOUR benefit and no one else's... . not even for your wife.

Such is the Hippocratic oath that a Therapist takes.

Hence, your wife;s expectation that the T is to change your behavior according to her needs is wrong.  Similarly your expectation that T's responsibility is to change you for the benefit of someone else other than your's is also wrong.

So if anyone is totally in your own personal corner, then it will be your doctor/your Therapist/your counselor... .

[Grey Kitty]

I think the first thing for you to do (if you can do it!) is to acknowledge that your T is for your own benefit. Period. End of Statement. Not to benefit your wife.

Then you have two other questions to think about:

How much benefit are you currently getting from your T?

What do you say to your wife when she asks/demands things of you regarding your T?

[daylily]

I fell for this one before I learned about BPD.  My H had convinced me that I was crazy, and I felt like the only thing I could do to keep him would be to "fix" myself.  It was right after the birth of my son, so I thought perhaps it was post-partum depression.  I was sleep deprived with a newborn, and there was a big incident between H and my mother during my son's delivery that was wreaking havoc on the whole family.  So looking back, it was completely understandable that I wasn't dealing with what I now see were his issues with as much skill as I had in the past.

But at the time I felt like I needed to convince my H that, though I was crazy and broken, I was willing to fix myself for the benefit of our family.  I went on antidepressants, which I ended up having a really bad reaction to and discontinued.  Things smoothed themselves over in a few weeks (as they often do with pwBPD), mostly because my H had my mother "make amends" to him, resolving the family conflict and easing some of the stress.  Several years later, I learned about BPD and went into therapy FOR ME.  

Do you think you have a problem with pornography?  I gather from your post that you don't.  I'm not saying you shouldn't be in therapy; we all need it to navigate our way through these relationships and keep our sanity.  The topic perhaps should be making you healthy for you and in ways that you and your therapist believe are important, not your mentally ill wife.

  :)aylily

[Chosen]

Cipher13, no matter you have a "problem" or not, remember that your wife is un-dx BPD, and therefore she views things around her what that "reality".  She thinks you have a problem, it has caused her to not trust you.  And I can tell you, she will continue to blame whatever there is so that this reality maintains. 

You don't see a T?  Look, you have no wish to improve and change your problem.

You see a T?  The T's bad and cannot help the situation.

and like... . You have changed for the better?  She will find something else to distrust you about.

As many have already said, having the T is to help you.  I hope you get that help you need, to improve yourself.  And this is something nobody can take away from you.

[Cipher13]

Thank you all for the support

I guess I need to work on the different techniques that will help me with conversing with my W. I have been trying them as best I can but with limited to no results but I'm sure it takes time. I know that going to T is for me and my well being. I feel really good about myself right after a session. I feel liek I was able to talk without having to carefully choose my words. I feel liek i can be myself and it ives me hope.  Is it wrong to wantto go almost everyday?... . joking but I would liek to go more often.

I think the first thing for you to do (if you can do it!) is to acknowledge that your T is for your own benefit. Period. End of Statement. Not to benefit your wife.

Then you have two other questions to think about:

How much benefit are you currently getting from your T?

What do you say to your wife when she asks/demands things of you regarding your T?

I guess this is really what I need the most help with. How do I bring this up to where it won't blow up in my face. I have always gone with her oppions and what I think she would think or feel about things to make sure she  is happy enough with the situation. Always in fear of triggering a rage or something simmilar.

On a side note just a quick question. Is it fairly common a lot of BPDs have trouble with making a decision. My W has an opinion about a lot of things yet when i comes to decide somehting like what to eat or where to go for a trip and if she should take a raise for more money for a job she loaths and take the new job she has been wanting for years, she stumbles and need me or her dad to tell her what she should do. Its quite frustrating as I have been blamed for making the wrong decision for her... .

[Grey Kitty]

I guess this is really what I need the most help with. How do I bring this up to where it won't blow up in my face. I have always gone with her oppions and what I think she would think or feel about things to make sure she  is happy enough with the situation. Always in fear of triggering a rage or something simmilar.

Short answer: You can never stop your W from blowing up.

I think you've already tried walking on eggshells so she doesn't blow up... . Since you are here on these boards I'll guess that it hasn't worked well for you

The good answer is while you can't stop her from blowing up, you can choose to remove yourself from her raging, and protect yourself from the rage and abuse.

So if she says that your T isn't benefiting her the way she wants it to, try using something like S.E.T.

Validate her desire for something from you, or her frustration with what you are/aren't doing.

Then say your truth: "I'm going to T to help myself."

If you don't need to convince her of WHY it is right for you, the argument can stop there.

 GK

[daylily]

On a side note just a quick question. Is it fairly common a lot of BPDs have trouble with making a decision. My W has an opinion about a lot of things yet when i comes to decide somehting like what to eat or where to go for a trip and if she should take a raise for more money for a job she loaths and take the new job she has been wanting for years, she stumbles and need me or her dad to tell her what she should do. Its quite frustrating as I have been blamed for making the wrong decision for her... .

This is VERY frustrating.  Check out another thread that's going right now regarding making dates with a BPD partner.  It addresses this topic.

  Daylily

[Chosen]

On a side note just a quick question. Is it fairly common a lot of BPDs have trouble with making a decision. My W has an opinion about a lot of things yet when i comes to decide somehting like what to eat or where to go for a trip and if she should take a raise for more money for a job she loaths and take the new job she has been wanting for years, she stumbles and need me or her dad to tell her what she should do. Its quite frustrating as I have been blamed for making the wrong decision for her... .

This is very common for pwBPDs, unfortunately, and it makes life that much more complicated for us.

My advice is, boundaries.  Don't "make a decision for her" because, yes, you will be blamed for whatever goes wrong.  If it rains on that day it's your fault.  If a car breaks down on the highway it's also your fault.  What you can do is to help her make her own decisions.  I would give my H my opinion on certain things, emphasising that "If I were in your place, I may... . but I don't know whether this is the best."  Acknowledge that you don't know.  Then let her pick the final decision for herself.