Hurray, I'm white again

[Sadsue]

After 7 long weeks of being black on Friday my husband seemed to clear his head and I'm white again!

He has told me he loves me and has been there to support me over the death of my gran.  Nit really emotional support but he has been helping out around the house and garden. 

Now I'm not daft enough to think this will last but this time I am determined to try not to press his buttons and to allow him his 'low' times without 'nagging' about what is wrong.  I am going to continue looking after myself and will keep to my boundary of doing something for myself when I see him starting to dysregulating.

So for today I am relieved that I have my husband back :-)

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[jonnyz]

After 7 long weeks of being black on Friday my husband seemed to clear his head and I'm white again!

He has told me he loves me and has been there to support me over the death of my gran.  Nit really emotional support but he has been helping out around the house and garden. 

Now I'm not daft enough to think this will last but this time I am determined to try not to press his buttons and to allow him his 'low' times without 'nagging' about what is wrong.  I am going to continue looking after myself and will keep to my boundary of doing something for myself when I see him starting to dysregulating.

So for today I am relieved that I have my husband back :-)

  I quess good for you. My Ex girlfriend still has me Painted black. It has been 8 months now. I don't think she will every paint me White again.  Then again She has been dysregulating the same amount of time.

[Wanda]

 enjoy your time in the white expecially if he is use to putting you in the black.

7 weeks is a long time i maybe lasted three days, along time ago. but 7 weeks that is a long time,

well good for you.   enjoy this time because you know the black times will come... .

[Chosen]

Good for you.  It must be a huge relief, after months of being painted black.

Enjoy it, but at the same time don't worry too much about pressing the wrong buttons and constantly walking on eggshells- otherwise when you do get painted black again, you will be blaming yourself, thinking it was your problem. 

It was never your problem (maybe a little, but not all of it).  It was the BPD.

[MSE1081]

I have a question... . how do you deal with this type of behavior? My hubby does this a lot... . I feel like every day there is something that I didn't do right... . and it's crazy because they are tiny things... . most of which I do not have any control over. I often find myself working like crazy to make things better... . but that only makes him shut down even more.

[Chosen]

How do we deal with this?  We refuse to go on that emotional rollercoaster with them.  How they view us largely depends on their emotions that moment, which means their view change all the time.  But who we are is not based on how our pwBPDs see us.  First, we have to establish a healthy sense of self (that's why it's said taking care of ourselves first is the most important).  Second, we have to understand that they do not view the world like us nons do.  Their sense of reality is based on emotions.  This means it doesn't really matter what we do (I'm not saying do horrible things on purpose of course), all that matters to them are their feelings.

Also, we shouldn't reward horrible BPD behaviour (like raging) by bending backwards to please them.  I used to do that too, and I can tell you it doesn't work, because you take on more than you can handle, and at the end of the day you're exhausted and still blamed for everything.  It's not easy, but we should all learn to do things within our capacity, not to please them or stop them from raging, but because we know it's the right things to do.

[MSE1081]

Thank you for that wisdom... . I needed to hear that. It's a challenge... . but I am willing to stick this out.