Where do I go from here?

[hanginon]

Here I am again, wondering if I am the crazy one in my situation.   I originally posted on the new members board a few months ago. In a very large nutshell, I am at the end a 6 year marriage with my BPDw.  Dealing with all the stuff involved with being married to someone who has this disorder has taken a toll.  Up until this point in time I have been the one that has been rock solid in saying the relationship would work  and following up with actions that I would do anything to make our relationship work. She would go emotionally from one extreme to another and subject me to the idealization and degradation process continuously.  Sometimes several times a day… sometimes once every month or two.  Several times said she wanted out of our relationship when we were fighting. One of the three or so notes granting me my freedom, I still carry in my work bag.

This meant that I was the one that always compromised, the one that always gave in.  She is unable to cope with not getting her way.  We are separated and she hates being alone even though she is near family.   After 6 years of living with someone with a disordered mind who essentially emasculated me a little at a time and who is a master at FOG – manipulation, I came to my breaking point.  It is self preservation time.  We had a physical fight. Actually she is the only one that got physical, I was just trying to get away from her.  She was arrested for assault.  She also spent the night in jail once several years ago when she found out that I had looked at pornography on our computers.  She destroyed them both and tore a door off the cabinet.  I don’t want to minimize what I had been doing but her reaction was a little extreme to me.  She is ultra sensitive to my “hurting her feelings”

A life event put us in two geographical places and I have maintained that separation with the intent to end things now, before someone gets hurt or worse.  This has allowed us to have time apart but she has never allowed me more than 24 hours peace at any point in time.  Now she is begging me to keep our relationship alive.  She admits to all the wrongs she has done me and vows that God healed her of her affliction and if I just give her a chance, I will be the happiest man on earth.  I feel there is no way on earth after our last experience and learning about the details of her disorder that she will ever treat me the way I should be treated.  I also realize that I have a lot of animosities toward her for the crappy stuff she has done to me over the years.  I just want out. My T keeps telling me to just stop talking to her... . which is much easier said than done for me. I obviously have some co-dependency issues I am trying to come to grips with.

She will not turn loose, now… she is dead set that we are going to work things out.  I went with her to see her T  since I happened to be there for a funeral and sat right there and told her T, I want a divorce and I hope you will be able to prepare her emotionally to leave the relationship.  Now according to her, I am mean, ugly and the most disgusting person in the world because I will not “honor my wedding vows” and stand by her for better or worse.  I am possessed by the devil, I am evil because if I were a Christian man I would do what God wants and God is not “for” divorce. 

Our relationship has evolved to the point to me that it is toxic but she won’t turn it loose, I assume because she is low functioning and she knows without me she is screwed and doesn’t have a pot to pee in.  She keeps talking about how I am determined to see her destitute and that if I loved her like I said I did, I would tolerate her and stand by her while she gets help from her T.  Well from what she tells me about her T appointments, basically she tells him how screwed up I am and he just nods his head in agreement.  I need NC to distress and try to recoup my frazzled mind from her clutches and the NC makes her absolutely nuts.  She is vicious and angry, hateful all the while wanting me to let her come back. It’s like loving a porcupine…... . painful.  I don’t see any way I would feel comfortable in a relationship with her now. Just too much has been said and done plus I am somewhat fearful what she may do in a fit of rage.  How do I convince her to turn loose of me?  I had hoped since she was in her old stomping grounds that an old flame would spark her attention but so far that hasn’t been the case. (I know that sound horrible to say)  Any suggestions?  I am sorry this is so long, my head has the tweety birds going around it, my head is fried.

[Reg]

Actually I wonder if it is ever possible to make a borderline agree to let go of you... .

Your T is right, and yes it is hard, I've been there, and your story is so recognisable for so many here.

You have to break contact.  Change your phone number,, make her believe you have a new e-mail as I did, block her in any ways possible.

It is all about them, never about you, a real apology doesn't exist, it's just a sorry in the best case.

My ex is my ex, she is now where she belongs, in my past, and that is where she will stay forever.  She has gotten chances enough, she knows she has borderline, she doesn't do anything about it, she's becoming more and more alcoholic in moments, and is ruining the emotions of her own young daughter.  That is not something I wish to whitness anymore... .

If you can, get from behind your computer at evening, get out of your house, see friends, do things you did before, enjoy the real life, not the vicious circle she is in and wants to keep you in.

It is tough, but you will get there, you just have to realise how much better your life is now.  It was not a dream, it was a freaking nightmare, remember that !

Take care of yourself, the first person you have to take care of is you !

Reg

[eniale]

Part of the marriage vow is "In sickness, and in health", but it is a far, far different thing to be a caregiver to someone you love who sadly is very ill (physically) than being with a person with a mental disorder.  Have had both experiences.  In my case, in the latter, it was not a normal,  balanced relationship.  I am not sure a pwBPD can love; it is all about them, their needs.  I was constantly walking on eggshells, know all about push & pull.  Not the way I want to live my life.  The old adage is to "Love thy neighbor AS THYSELF."  Too many of us listen only to the first part, but we owe it to ourselves to love ourselves enough to know when enough is enough.  Too many of us are too compassionate for our own good.  If we have soft hearts, we try to help those who will not or cannot help themselves.  Only they can fix it; we can't.  I am not very religious, but don't believe God wants us to live in misery.  In my opinion, NC is the ONLY way.  Listen to your T and also to your own intuition.  A good relationship is based on mutuality; it never should be a case of one partner constantly trying to meet the demands of the other.  NC, NC, NC. 

[hanginon]

Thanks for your replies and your insight.  It's funny because I went to go do something for me tonight, we used to do Karaoke on Wed. nights and I have continued to go some and went tonight just for "me".  Earlier today and yesterday I ended up hanging up on her when she would not stop babbling about how she realizes she made mistakes but needs the opportunity to show me she has changed.  She was here last week for her court date. First day and a half was misery, two days of pretty good then I wouldn't agree to something she wanted me to do and she painted me black, ended up getting a new plane ticket so she could fly home two days early. I asked her why she couldn't show me she had "changed" while she was here... . she said it was because I didn't tell her I was going to "try" and make it work.  I told her I just wanted a divorce and do it allowing her to get some T time in and get stable.

When I was leaving Karaoke, I looked at my phone, three missed calls, one voice mail and three texts asking why I won't anwer her phone calls. I called her and she was a crying blubbering mess again and begging me to give her the opportunity to show me how she has changed and won't treat me badly any more... . it is absolutely gut wrenching for me and she seems to be in agony but she won't give up. She just won't give up.  During this process she continues to cycle through crying asking for forgiveness, then asking me to agree to certain things... . and when I won't she gets mad and starts talking hateful to me.  This is where to me... . I think it has the potential to go toxic.  She is going to do something because she can't have her way eventually.  I know in the past I have been so compasionate... . but I am not now and I really hate the way I feel listening to her cry. I feel like a cold hearted somebody, but I know it is for my own good that I don't give in to her.   

Man what a mess.  NC is what makes her worse really.  NC is better for me but it really gets to her.

I'm struggling with things but am doing ok I guess so far. I just don't like feeling like I am the most ruthless person in the world... . and I know it is really just her way to control the situation and make me feel like crap.

Keep me in your thoughts, this is going to get worse before it gets better. She is a dang mind ninja.

Hanginon

[hanginon]

Oh, I just thought to add this morning... . that last night while I was on the phone with her feeling like a horrible person for listening to her cry and not give in to her... . a woman that we both know that my wife has accused me of having an affair with just happened to text me telling me they had Karaoke at another resteraunt just down the road from me.    The way our phone account is set up, my wife will see she sent me a text and she checks my phone records daily because she is convinced that the only reason I would possibly be so unforgiving to her is if there was another woman involved.  I'm sure she will see it soon. There is a lot to the process of detangling when you have been married for a while.

It's gonna be a long day. :'(

Hanginon

[Reg]

Hanginon,

As hard as this may sound, it is time to think about yourself, there's nothing selfish about that, the relation is not becoming toxic, it is already for a long time toxic.  Sorry to say this, but you know it is the reality if you look deep inside of you.

It is typical BPD behaviour and you have to accept for yourself that you can not change this, I've given my ex several chances, we didn't get married, although there were plans for this.  I confronted her with all the borderline behavior during the relationship (without knowing before we broke up it was borderline) it didn't help, she tried to make me doubt about what I had said and done, it didn't work after a few times, but it works with a lot of people, as they are so convincing !

What we have to remind ourselves about is that they will never-ever change without long duration help from a therapist... .   And one day they say yes to this and the next one no.  I've  been there not so long ago.

Good to hear that you did actually something for yourself, I'd say keep up the good work.  But for yourself, try to get into a no contact situation if possible.  It is hard, I repeat it, I had to struggle out of my own toxic darkness all by my own.  We can all do this, if needed, with the help of a therapist, or not.

Think about yourself, I can only repeat it, don't make yourself suffer for someone who's not ready to change.  They really need to want to change their pattern of thinking and behaving, they need to let go of all the negative influence from others, and for many of them it simply is not possible, unfortunate, but remember you are not the cause she had this... .   Do not feel guilty, I know I repeat myself !

I've studied BPD behavior for 6 months now, I've learned a lot, also about myself, and it has learned me to put things in the right perspective.

I had a stephdaughter that loved me more then her own father, who's only interested in himself mostly, it was hard to see that this child is having emotional problems herself, more and more due to the behavior of her mother.  But I'm not her real father... .   and never wanted to replace him (although it was easier for him if I had done so).

Do I think it is a terrible thing ? Yes ! Absolutely, do I feel guilty ?  Only about the verbal fights we had, and which she sometimes partially saw.  But there it stops.

It wil take time, but if you really understand what's happening, you will see there is no future... .

Don't make it a long day, listen to some uplifting music, get out of the house, see people, don't emprison yourself between the walls of your home, don't emprison yourself in toxic thoughts !

I sincerely hope it will be a shorter day for you !

Reg

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Hanginon,

I was married to my BPDexW for 16 years so I can relate to your struggles with leaving.  Nevertheless, you're on this Board so I assume you're here for a reason, which is that you are ready on some level to move on with your life, having learned the harsh lessons of life with a pwBPD.  It's a lot easier said than done, of course, but you have to start somewhere.

From my point of view, you're still giving her a lot of power.  In your initial post, you state twice that "she won't turn you loose."  You don't need her permission, my friend, to be turned loose.  It's a decision you make for yourself.

I suspect that anyone who had been in a r/s with a pwBPD has played the role of caretaker at some point.  In my experience, all that care taking comes at a price and if you look behind it, you will often find manipulation/FOG on the part of the pwBPD.  Take a step back and maybe you can see it for yourself.

You're in a tight spot, I agree, yet you're driving the bus here, or should be, and it's up to you to keep moving through hell.  For a while, I gave the wheel of my life over to my BPDexW, which was a big mistake.

Try to listen to gut your feelings as you sort through all the emotions and distractions.

Good luck!  Lucky Jim