Day 2

[Callmemark]

She left yesterday. I knew it was coming and had asked her to go. The packing was dramatic  with textbook extinction bursts. Then she wanted to talk, but it wasn't "let's put down our defenses and work this out." It was scolding and shaming with plenty of insinuations that no one else would really want me. It was like I was reading a case study in SWoE. I only grew more resolved.

Here's my inner conflict. If she'd handled it differently: with humility, remorse, and responsibility... . I would have readily and quite frankly happily let down my guard and tried again, even though I knew better.

And I know I'm not out of the woods. We are familiar with this dance.

Why... . do I miss her? And why, am I so damned vulnerable to her charms?

[Surnia]

Hi Callmemark

The why question is often a difficult one. Let me ask a bit different: What do you miss? When are the moments do you miss her?

I hear also a certain fear that you could give in... . and yes, many of us are confronted with a lot of recycling attempts, so its good to be prepared.

One thing is to keep yourself busy. Do you have friends or hobbies?

[Callmemark]

I just moved to be closer to my children, so I don't have any friends nearby now. This is in no way her fault. My kids are here often and keep me busy. I like to write and I exercise several times a week. I'm looking to get involved with a local theater to make new friends.

Still, on days like these I can't get motivated to do much of anything.

The best way to describe how I miss her is how I feel about her. I love her. I like her. I can't trust her and I don't respect her. I rarely get a straight answer. Every issue is wrapped in passive aggressive games. Her issues with managing money lead to endless drama, and I feel like a vice principle who is always on trying to manage boundaries,which are constantly being challenged. So, as long as its light hearted, fun, and I'm paying, we have a great time. She's fun and affirming and affectionate and I miss that. I miss her most when I wake up or when my mind has been on something else for a while. When I wake up or leave a meeting at work I just want to talk with her.

It's just day 2... . I have to keep telling myself that. It's supposed to hurt today.

[seeking balance]

She left yesterday. I knew it was coming and had asked her to go. The packing was dramatic  with textbook extinction bursts. Then she wanted to talk, but it wasn't "let's put down our defenses and work this out." It was scolding and shaming with plenty of insinuations that no one else would really want me. It was like I was reading a case study in SWoE. I only grew more resolved.

Here's my inner conflict. If she'd handled it differently: with humility, remorse, and responsibility... . I would have readily and quite frankly happily let down my guard and tried again, even though I knew better.

And I know I'm not out of the woods. We are familiar with this dance.

Why... . do I miss her? And why, am I so damned vulnerable to her charms?

You miss her because you loved her... . it wasn't all bad and she was a significant part of your life.  Healthy people miss people they love... . it is part of grief.

Now vulnerable to her charms... . that part is on you to figure out.  Most of us do the dance until we accept we are worth being treated better and begin by treating ourselves better... . which means self discipline and self respect... . not easy, but worth the process.

Be kind to yourself right now... . this was a very loaded relationship as you know and it takes time to really process.

Peace,

SB

[Surnia]

Callmemark

I like to write and I exercise several times a week. I'm looking to get involved with a local theater to make new friends.

Good plan

As for missing her: Its good to see both sides in the memories like you do, the good things and the unsatisfying things.

One other thought that can be perhaps helpful: It took me a while to recognize that I can feel love for my now exH, and in the same time I am clear about the fact that a rs with him is not healthy for me.

Give yourself time. 

[Callmemark]

I slept about 5 hours last night. That's good given everything.  Still, this is so much harder than I expected. In my mind, I had pictured fireworks and cake and not so much as being critical of her but that I had finally found and kept the courage to let it go. The truth is... . it just hurts.

I woke up around 5:30 with enormous anxiety, literally shaking. This has happened all my life when I am under duress. I understand why now people years ago believed they were attacked by demons or some other dark force. It feels like you're going to die and at the same time you're exhausted from all of the ruminations, obsessions, self-doubt, and second guessing making it hard to get up.

I want this recovery to be about me, not about how bad she was or is. First, it’s not really fair to her. She wasn't bad all the time. If she had been this wouldn't be so hard. It's the good memories that are killing me. Next though, and this is really important, if I don't make the recovery about me, I won't learn what I need to learn,  what God or the universe or whatever is trying to teach me.

I know it’s sounds hyper-spiritual but every time I’ve faced anything in my life like this, it only got better after I had learned something significant from it. Usually, I fought it but that only lengthens the pain and sorrow. I know I can’t shortcut this process but I don’ t need to make it longer than it has to be.  I will learn what I need to learn and then I can forgive her, myself, and move forward.

I’m also scheduling an appointment with my physician next week to talk about psychotropic meds and how they can help the process without excluding what I need to learn.

What I really want to do is hide in bed all day. Instead,  I’m taking all the steps I knew I would have to take when I read and prepared for this some time back, sort of a “just keep swimming” mentality. Also, I have a job and folks are depending on me to do it. So, I gotta get on it.

Thanks for hearing my random thoughts on day 3….

[Surnia]

I know it’s sounds hyper-spiritual but every time I’ve faced anything in my life like this, it only got better after I had learned something significant from it. Usually, I fought it but that only lengthens the pain and sorrow. I know I can’t shortcut this process but I don’ t need to make it longer than it has to be.  I will learn what I need to learn and then I can forgive her, myself, and move forward.

It sounds very insightful for me and very familiar too.

I’m also scheduling an appointment with my physician next week to talk about psychotropic meds and how they can help the process without excluding what I need to learn.

Yes, sometimes we can't do it all alone. Its great you can reach out for support.