So I have been thinking what the HECK is my major malfunction in feeling so sad over the loss of my H and even after all the HORRIBLE things he has done - why do I have this feeling deep inside me that somehow still wishes for a Hail Mary in the final seconds of this marriage before the divorce is final?
He was HORRIBLE. The mind manipulation (to the point of trying to drive one crazy - a form of witchcraft), the twisting and deceit. The LIES. The mind games. The verbal and some physical abuse... . at the end even AFRAID of what he was capable of. The withholding. The control. The fear tactics with suicide, threats. The intimidation while getting in my face, breaking things, threatening to burn the house down. OMG - JUST HORRIBLE.
AND YET... . ! Yep - I still wish deep in heart he could get help so I wouldn't have to go through with a friggin' divorce or think of him seducing some other beautiful woman.
And then DING DING DING.
The root issue is the same for both sides of BPD. REJECTION.
Why would I DESIRE a man as crappy as him? I DON'T! I just don't want to be rejected. And I hung on through hell on earth to avoid that. WOW.
And he has all these terrible hateful issues because of his self worth and the fear of rejection deep down.
Just shows the two different sides of the coin from the same root. Some harden themselves and build walls to try to never truly love anyone or let them in and pour all that anger and self loathing onto others. Other people take that same fear/weakness and seek after that love even harder - to a fault point of self destruction - labeled as codependence.
And what does insight do for my feelings? Not a friggin thing. ZERO.
What have I learned? It sucks til it doesn't suck anymore. I have some long vacations to take. This grief crap needs to hurry up and do what it needs to do so it doesn't cramp my style in South Beach.
