Intro

[Depression = 72% of members]

 

I am joining at a stage in life where I seek answers to understand and master the damage caused by my high functioning BPD mother.

About ten years ago, my sister ( a therapist) and I discovered Mom had always exhibited the majority of BPD symptoms. At successive life stages, these behaviors increased.

She had 2 personas. To the public she was an intelligent, caring, competent, generous woman, a prominent member of the community. To her family she was a Queen who believed we were responsibile for how she felt, and it was our duty to accept volatile outbursts, punishing, vindictive dramas, and martyrdom behaviors.

She could switch personas on a dime. Some of you may relate to this double secret life of a family member, the fascade of normalcy to the outside world.

She made Dad's life a living hell as his health declined. He had never stood up to her or for us. After Dad died 5 years ago, she lost her punching bag. She expected her daughters to fill this need, to be the spotlight for her rages, but by then we'd educated ourselves about her behaviors and distorted thoughts and beliefs.

We considered no-contact. We learned about and created healthy boundaries, while trying to keep the door open to maintain minimal contact. Her disorder intensified as she believed her family had abandoned her, that we never loved her, and nothing we could do made a difference to her distorted beliefs. She turned down offers for dinner, family holidays, refused gifts, even refused to allow me into her home. She set it up so she could validate her beliefs that her family had abandoned her. She confided to her colleagues these beliefs.

We were all evil?

She had cut her own mother out of her life for 20 years over a perceived slight, and as punishment, had taken her own inheritance funds without permission, which forced our Grandmother to live very frugally the last two decades of life and live with this betrayal.

We didn't hold much hope of a reconciliation with Mom. And yet we wanted one. Don't most adult children deep down love their mothers? We grieved for the loss of what could have been. Once we got used to ongoing rejections, it became easier because we knew we were not giving up, after all, she was sick.

Two years ago, we learned by accident, she had a terminal disease. Justified anger gave her strength to complete her retaliation and revenge against the family. When she was given 4 months to live, she set up a support system of friends and co-workers to handle her affairs with a rule of no information to her family. She sought expert advice and changed her Will, leaving her home and contents, vehicle, and most of her and Dad's substantial investments to friends, the support group and a local charity.

She pre-planned her Celebration of Life, which excluded family. When some grandchildren attended the event, they learned she and our father had been interred earlier without any of us knowing. We learned of the event date from an aunt who read the obituary posted in another province's newspaper.

Though my sister and I expected we would be punished because we created boundaries, suspected and even prepared mentally for disinheritance, it still hit us sideways. She promised revenge from the grave. When she realized she could no longer crush us, she tried to hurt her grandchildren to get to us. That worked.  

My sister and her family travelled a great distance 3 times the last year to see Mom, but Mom told another family member she hadn't seen her daughter in 4 years. Mom was competent, according to her physician. I visited her palliative room in the final week. She glared as i entered the hospital room, suddenly smiling sweetly when my husband followed behind. Of course, she refused my flowers, card, gift and love.

It's been a year since she died. Once we found where she was buried in our little town,  we saw that left instructions on her grave plaque that read "loved and remembered" At best we can forgive her sickness.

Though I know the destructive damage will never totally disappear, it is my responsibility to heal enough to live well, otherwise her promise of revenge from the grave will indeed occur.

   

[diabow54]

 

I am joining at a stage in life where I seek answers to understand and master the damage caused by my high functioning BPD mother.

About ten years ago, my sister ( a therapist) and I discovered Mom had always exhibited the majority of BPD symptoms. At successive life stages, these behaviors increased.

She had 2 personas. To the public she was an intelligent, caring, competent, generous woman, a prominent member of the community. To her family she was a Queen who believed we were responsibile for how she felt, and it was our duty to accept volatile outbursts, punishing, vindictive dramas, and martyrdom behaviors.

She could switch personas on a dime. Some of you may relate to this double secret life of a family member, the fascade of normalcy to the outside world.

She made Dad's life a living hell as his health declined. He had never stood up to her or for us. After Dad died 5 years ago, she lost her punching bag. She expected her daughters to fill this need, to be the spotlight for her rages, but by then we'd educated ourselves about her behaviors and distorted thoughts and beliefs.

We considered no-contact. We learned about and created healthy boundaries, while trying to keep the door open to maintain minimal contact. Her disorder intensified as she believed her family had abandoned her, that we never loved her, and nothing we could do made a difference to her distorted beliefs. She turned down offers for dinner, family holidays, refused gifts, even refused to allow me into her home. She set it up so she could validate her beliefs that her family had abandoned her. She confided to her colleagues these beliefs.

We were all evil?

She had cut her own mother out of her life for 20 years over a perceived slight, and as punishment, had taken her own inheritance funds without permission, which forced our Grandmother to live very frugally the last two decades of life and live with this betrayal.

We didn't hold much hope of a reconciliation with Mom. And yet we wanted one. Don't most adult children deep down love their mothers? We grieved for the loss of what could have been. Once we got used to ongoing rejections, it became easier because we knew we were not giving up, after all, she was sick.

Two years ago, we learned by accident, she had a terminal disease. Justified anger gave her strength to complete her retaliation and revenge against the family. When she was given 4 months to live, she set up a support system of friends and co-workers to handle her affairs with a rule of no information to her family. She sought expert advice and changed her Will, leaving her home and contents, vehicle, and most of her and Dad's substantial investments to friends, the support group and a local charity.

She pre-planned her Celebration of Life, which excluded family. When some grandchildren attended the event, they learned she and our father had been interred earlier without any of us knowing. We learned of the event date from an aunt who read the obituary posted in another province's newspaper.

Though my sister and I expected we would be punished because we created boundaries, suspected and even prepared mentally for disinheritance, it still hit us sideways. She promised revenge from the grave. When she realized she could no longer crush us, she tried to hurt her grandchildren to get to us. That worked.  

My sister and her family travelled a great distance 3 times the last year to see Mom, but Mom told another family member she hadn't seen her daughter in 4 years. Mom was competent, according to her physician. I visited her palliative room in the final week. She glared as i entered the hospital room, suddenly smiling sweetly when my husband followed behind. Of course, she refused my flowers, card, gift and love.

It's been a year since she died. Once we found where she was buried in our little town,  we saw that left instructions on her grave plaque that read "loved and remembered" At best we can forgive her sickness.

Though I know the destructive damage will never totally disappear, it is my responsibility to heal enough to live well, otherwise her promise of revenge from the grave will indeed occur.

   

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Oh, diabow54, I'm so sorry, that's some tough history you have. And my condolences for you losses.

It can't have been easy on you and your sister growing up. But I also see resilience and determination in you post  And I'm so glad you came to our community. There are things we can help you with.

One is just to listen to what you need to share, and be there for you. Another is to help you with understanding of the disorder, if you so wish. And to help you find your way forward.

What are some of the things you struggle with today?

Please keep posting, it really does help

[diabow54]

Hello Scarlet Phoenix,

Thank you for your empathy and kind words.

Yes, I do hope to learn more on how Mom's disorder affected my character and to "peel back another layer of onion", and move forward. 

I have studied most of the BPD books, and a wealth of on-line information. The understanding gained 10 years ago helped me enormously to deflect on-going damage and hurt. Learning about so many people in growing up in similar situations also helped. The knowledge understanding gave me power essentially.

The business of how she left this life and the legacy to her family created emotional and coping skill set-backs. So though I felt confident in the theory knowledge of BPD, I realize that I'll always have to live with triggers that bring the past forward. But I know I can work on that too

I am wondering if my intro was too long and could have been posted in another topic area better matched.

Please advise me where I can continue this topic.

[Surviving]

I can identify with your mother's two personas.  My mother is now threatening similar action to yours in regard of financial and personal information.  I have no doubt she will carry her threats out.  How do we overcome this pain?

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Hi again

No, your post was fine! You can continue posting anywhere you wish, though I feel the [L5]  Coping and Healing from a BPD Parent, Sibling, or Inlaw Board might be a good fit for you. You can also find a lot of information in the Workshops and the Article Reviews

Good luck on your journey!

[diabow54]

Hi Survivor,

I am so sorry for your present and possible future situation with your Mom. I've been there.

It really helped me to cope by having my sister to touch base with as we are the two adult children who grew up in that household and so share similar experiences.

But so do some of these board members.

Not knowing your circumstances, I can only speak of what I did. I made a conscious choice to set boundaries knowing it would probably cost me my inheritance. Thats one way she could retaliate.

If your Mom doesn't recognize or won't get help, then you can only take care of yourself, protect yourself.


I chose to keep minimal contact knowing it wouldn't help lessen her revenge, but my conscience was clear.

I switched from pain to empathy to anger continually, just letting the feeling come with some understanding of them.

How do we overcome this pain? Its a powerful question. As I've come out the other end of where you are probably heading, I think my answer is to remember she's sick, and how she reacts is not a reflection on you. Strangely, remember, its not personal. I separated my Mom from her disorder, but protected myself. And paid the price. It is up to me to heal by learning how. This board I think is one way to do that.  

[ScarletOlive]

Hi diabow54,

Just wanted to welcome you as well, and offer my condolences. I'm sorry for your loss.   It's so wonderful that you're seeking to heal by joining here and looking to the future. Keep it up. You have a lot of hope in your post, and it's lovely to see.

It seems like you've come a long way in Radical Acceptance of your past, which is so crucial. You might find this article interesting as you get started here.

I hope you find the information you need here to get some closure and to heal. Keep posting and sharing. Sending you lots of caring and support.