I'm black again :-(

[Sadsue]

Well here we go again, yesterday I turned black again, we were out having a lovely evening and then walking home, pow, out of nowhere!  Literally, we had been having a meal and at the next table a group came in and sat at the next table, the wife was talking, and getting on his nerves, she was very bossy with the rest of the family and we were smiling about it.  During the walk home he started a out how wives tried to change the men they married and when they did they dumped them!  I didn't respond negatively, just let him moan and out of the blue he went mad at me and shouted at me in the street saying he had had enough!  I walked home alone, he slept in the spare room and is really angry with me today?  I am at a loss, I did nothing to provoke him at all.

Struggling to cope with this today, how can he be angry at me just because we say next to a bossy woman ?

Now I am black again, why do I put up with this behaviour!  I am leaving him to sulk today, apparently he doesn't even want to see my face?

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[123Phoebe]

Hi Sadsue

Blah to his behavior!

What do you plan on doing today?  Is there a movie you've been wanting to see?  A nursery filled with beautiful plants and flowers to roam around in?  A park to sit in/take a blanket and book and watch the cloud formations drift on by... .

What does a lovely day look like to Sadsue, that doesn't involve him or his moods?

[Sadsue]

Thanks Phoe, he has gone to bed now, it's afternoon here, and I am watching a movie.  I really wish I could not let his moods affect me but it is something I have always struggled with.  I hope he wakes in a better mood.  I know for definate this isn't about me, it just goes to show he will rave regardless of what I do.  Normally he finds something to ame me for but even when I am squeaky clean and have done nothing he will still do it.  I try so hard to be a good wife so he cannot find any reason to rage at me, but makes me wonder what is the point if he is going to do it anyway!

Yet another weekend ruined by this awful disease!

[123Phoebe]

I try so hard to be a good wife so he cannot find any reason to rage at me, but makes me wonder what is the point if he is going to do it anyway!

Yet another weekend ruined by this awful disease!

What you've been trying so hard to do will exhaust, depress and make you feel resentful.  

Try doing less of that

As far as the weekend being ruined... .  Yea, if we tie our well-being to the end of someone else's nasty mood, we're essentially signing up to be in a bad mood ourselves.  Gotta untie that knot and be free to enjoy ourselves  

[waverider]

What will be  the consequences of this behavior for him?

Will you hope he feels better and pretend it never happened?

Maybe even you trying harder to make him happy?

What is going to make him think twice about doing this next time?

I try so hard to be a good wife so he cannot find any reason to rage at me, but makes me wonder what is the point if he is going to do it anyway

Exactly, what your current approach is not working.

[Chosen]

I try so hard to be a good wife so he cannot find any reason to rage at me, but makes me wonder what is the point if he is going to do it anyway!

Yet another weekend ruined by this awful disease!

Sadsue, I "get" you.  And contrary to what some people may say here, I think it's good (and even important) to try and be a good wife.  I try hard too, because I want to be as blameless as possible.  So that when he actually rages/ complains about me I will know that I did my best.

Did you see how I phrase that?  I try to be a good wife for myself, not for him.  In a pwBPD's eyes, we will never be "good".  We will sometimes be, but we both know it's got nothing to do with what we do.  We may help them de-escalate by staying calm and not provoking them, but ultimately they choose their reactions.  However, we have to accept that we are human too.  We do our best, sometimes we're not very good ourselves, and we have to forgive ourselves and move on.  We have to acknowledge that we didn't so so well, but unlike the pwBPD, we don't have to shift all the blame to ourselves.  And sometimes we have to give ourselves a break.  Not be a "bad" wife on purpose, but just not try so hard all the time.  Give yourself some time for "you", so you have strength to walk on.