Going no contact

[mommies dearest]

Just a quick question for those of you who have gone no- contact... .  Did you inform your person with BPD of this decision (via phone call, letter or in person), or did you just stop calling etc and let them sort of figure it out on their own?

[Cordelia]

I kind of did both.  I started out just not contacting her to see what would happen.  (I was always the one who had to initiate contact, it was my job to call, send card, etc., she never would with me) and after six months of radio silence from her, I heard a podcast about parent-child relationships that said that if you are going to end a relationship with someone who was so close to you, it's the decent thing to do to let them know why.  So I sent her a letter telling her what I was angry about and that I needed space, and I hoped we would be able to reconcile someday but I wasn't ready to set a date for that.  Got no response again.  I'm fine with how I did it, though I don't think the letter was necessary, and might have opened up a discussion that I didn't want to have.

I think this depends so much on what your BPDm is like.  Some are extremely aggressive, violent, and stalker-like, and those for sure I wouldn't send any kind of communication.  Mine is more cold and detached, and her preferred BPD-mode is the passive Waif, so sending the letter was fine.  It also depends on how close you are to them right now.  I had been living across the country with no contact other than phone calls and occasional visits for over 10 years when I went total NC.  If you live down the street, she watches your kids, you owe her money, etc etc it obviously complicates things.  BPD folks can have trouble with object permanence, so if you're not in front of them they literally forget about you to some extent.  This worked to my advantage in going NC.  But every situation is different. 

[mindfulness]

I had a big fight with my uBPDm -- she thought I wasn't doing enough to help her through a life crisis, but I stood my ground and essentially told her that her expectations were unreasonable, that she could take the help I was offering or leave it. I also told her she was expecting too much of me in general, that I was her daughter and not her husband and that I had my own life now that I have to put first. Basically the truth and the exact opposite of what she wanted to hear.

She was very unhappy and eventually told me she "had to get off the phone," I'm sure expecting me to stop her and beg for forgiveness, pledge my undying love, etc. I didn't do that. I didn't call her, she didn't call me. It just continued on like that. She made a few attempts to get in touch, all with excuses like "Please send me a copy of the papers of mine that you have." I responded directly to her points and did not engage in anything further, not asking about her or offering anything beyond what was reasonable. She did not ask about me or try to bring anything else up about our fight.

It's not my first NC with her, but certainly the longest (6 months). Most of them have been preceded by a fight.

[simplesimon]

Some are extremely aggressive, violent, and stalker-like, and those for sure I wouldn't send any kind of communication. 

Nail on the head... . that's my BPDm.  I honestly stopped answering the phone and just had my answering machine on.  I kept all the calls and voicemails.  And you know what - I actually played some for my emeshed family members... . they changed their tune quickly.

For me it was hard NOT to call or talk it made me really sad but now it's way more healthy for me.

Fighting with the pwBPD does seem to trigger a lot of NC.  My question is - What do YOU think will work best?

[Rbrdkyst4]

Hey MD,

I simply cut off all contact. Didn't return emails or phone calls just like Cordelia did. I felt like that if I had to explain myself, it'd simply give them more ammunition to turn around and shoot me with. It's been tough, but after a year and a half, I'm a lot happier, healthier, and better off.

That being said, it is truly up to you do decide if you want to give them "30 days notice" or simply "abandon ship".