Analysis of an email...

[Tordesillas]

So I just got an email from my ex... . I instantly felt the rush of anxiety, dread and suffocation that I've been enjoying living without.  I didn't know what to do, so being the analytical person that I am, I decided to analyze it to fully and most accurately understand it.  

Here is the email:

"Hi... .

I won't make or expect you sit through a novel... . I just wanted to know if we could talk.

Sent from my iPhone"


And here are my observations:

1. Its late saturday night, so she is either very lonely or drunk or both.

2. She missed the "to" in "expect you TO sit through... " which means she probably isn't really paying attention or giving much time or care to what she is typing.

3. She is sending it from her iphone, which, in my opinion, suggests a certain casualness to her sending an email.  Not like the much more deliberate action of sitting down with her computer and taking sometime to send a thoughtful email.

4.  The first part "I won't make or expect you to sit through a novel" might ALMOST seem like its being thoughtful and sensitive, but in actual fact the tone is snarky and cold.  What I really got from it was "I know you are SOO busy and my issues are SOO unimportant to you so I'll be the tragic martyr and not bother you with them."  It's a little attempt at a subtle guilt trip. Cold and manipulative.

5.  The second part "I just wanted to know if we could talk" is clearly her asking me for validation.  I'd like to think that she cares about the wrongs she's done me and is driven purely by that.  But I know she isn't.  She wants to talk because it suits her needs right now.

Thinking through it this way has helped me get a bit of distance from the emotions.  

[cska]

I think if it helps you distance yourself, by all means analyze the e-mail. But don't spend too much time examining the message through a microscope, all you have to know is that she either wants to rage at you/blame you, or pull you back in. Either of these will cause you emotional pain...

But what if one day she decides to recycle you and sends you a sweet, kind, apologetic message asking you to take her back? In that case, a careful analysis of the e-mail might cause you to re-engage with her, because the message might sound sincere, even upon careful scrutiny and analysis. (That's why I think you shouldn't analyze these things too much but just toss aside the e-mail and plow forward on your path to detachment.)

[Clearmind]

Tordesillas, who knows what it means - BPD is a shame disorder and no doubt you have received your far share of blame during and after the relationship. What do you think may happen if you talk?

Do you want her back and maybe fearful if you don't reply then your chances of reconciliation are shot? What are your expectations?

[MammaMia]

Tordesilas

I agree, if you are not willing to recycle and deal with all the turmoil that involves (hopefully you understand it will mean returning to the situation you were just feeling so good about leaving behind you)... . I would recommend no response or a simple "no thanks".  Then block her.

She is trying to suck you back into BPDland.  No one can decide the right course of action but you.  The dangers are clear and the warning signs are even clearer.

[WXYZ]

OH the joy - let's talk Sick Talk shall we - PFFFF

Just thinkin' out loud

hope you hit the DELETE button ... . ... . ... .

Life's way to short to waist on psychos I reckon ... .

[Tessaking]

Tordesilles - can I ask how long it has been since you had contact with her?

[TippyTwo]

Tordesilles, what I am hearing in your post says this to me:

The unexpected email from the ex set off the usual internal chaos that comes with such contact.

By analyzing and decoding what was said, you were able to see the communication pattern, decode the message, and realize the reality of what was being said and why.

Doing this, helped to calm the chaos and is helping you to regain your equilibrium.

I say bravo! Job well done!

We all have to find our own way thru the process detachment, its fits and starts, what works and what doesn't work for us individually.

Sometimes, in our efforts to help, we forget to honor and validate growth and progress in this very individualized process.

Sometimes, in trying to help, our own stuff gets in the way. When this happens, it seems, we don't choose our words carefully. Thus, rather than being kind and gentle with each other, we come across as being critical, belittling, and confrontative.

Be nice if we could use SET with one another. Support, empathize, truth. In the correct order.

[flatspin]

If NC helped you to recover so far and that she just sent you a bait, the question that matters is what's the price of your "peace of mind" ? She may up the ante till you bite it ! They're very skilled in that regard. What price will make you bite it ?

A cold and objective analysis of their words may be playing with fire and might just be a cop-out to delude our feelings of guilt and quench our curiosity with a conveniently staved off conscience, so to speak. Mere words may become a token of her, an emotional fetish that keeps the connection with her alive in our mind and heart and her presence by our side renewed by proxy.

That's tricky and insidious !

Depending on what your objectives are, please be careful !

[Tordesillas]

Thanks for the insight everyone!

I haven't had any contact with her in 3 months and I admit when I saw the email I had mixed feelings.  Part of me wanted to believe this was the opportunity for validation I've often day dreamed about.  Maybe if I talked to her I'd get all the apologies, all the clarity that I'd love to have. 

Being able to strip down her email to reveal what is likely her true motivation definitely helped me dispel any illusions.  I've been working on accepting that I need to be able to move on without any of that.  I was a bit frustrated that I had that reaction at all... . but at least I didn't act on it and take the bait.

One other thing I'm just realizing now and wondering if anyone else has some insight on... .

When I initially went NC with her she reached out a couple times via email and the messages were all basically identical to this one.  She simply asks to talk.  I guess I find it a bit odd because if it was me, and I had hurt someone I cared about so deeply, I wouldn't just be asking to talk, I'd be prefacing it with as much apology and explanation as I possibly could.  Maybe the fact that she doesn't do this shows that she is truly interested in the mere validation of speaking to me?  Perhaps now I'm over analyzing a bit too much!

[Gaslit]

I'm going to side with it being wise to break down the email, and thus detach from the emotions and magical thinking.

After all, many/most of us are here because we didn't stop to think what was really going on, what was really being said. We ignored it, we thought (or pretended) that it didn't matter, and continued forward with our fantasy relationship.

It's not at all a bad thing to be able to see through the manipulation, understand that whatever they do is about how they feel in that specific moment, and that their feelings can change on a dime, and will.

So I say, analyze the email, never respond to it, and look at ourselves for reasons that previously such an email would have encouraged our re-participation in a dysfunctional relationship. In other words, spend just as much time on our own feelings (or more), on why this stuff previously worked on us. Because it is about us, not them.

One caveat I will give you is that not all emails are equal. That is, some may be deliberately written to really pull you back in, and others may be spur of the moment based on a feeling of the moment, that may have already changed, by the time they hit send. And in either case, neither type of communication is about us. And neither is about them getting better.

[Tordesillas]

One caveat I will give you is that not all emails are equal. That is, some may be deliberately written to really pull you back in, and others may be spur of the moment based on a feeling of the moment, that may have already changed, by the time they hit send. And in either case, neither type of communication is about us. And neither is about them getting better.

Very true... . when I was contemplating a nice response for a moment I realized that there was actually a decent chance that by the time she read it, she would have withdrawn her show of emotional vulnerability and my response would basically hit a brick wall.

[dangoldfool]

Tordesillas, Thanks for sharing your thoughts on the email, I'm 2 month out with NC. So I hoping to be strong enough to ignore any attempts my ex may make at contacting me. Just thinking about it makes me nervous.

[Tordesillas]

Tordesillas, who knows what it means - BPD is a shame disorder and no doubt you have received your far share of blame during and after the relationship. What do you think may happen if you talk?

Do you want her back and maybe fearful if you don't reply then your chances of reconciliation are shot? What are your expectations?

I think if I spoke to her right now I would be putting myself directly in the line of an attempt to recycle or to rage at me.  I know she has been in a downward spiral and I'm fairly confident her intentions are not pure. 

I will admit that I have been getting some validation from knowing that she does want to speak to me ever since we went NC.  Its like that little kind of validation you keep in the back of your mind.  And I can admit I have a bit of fear of this going away.  I don't ever want to get back together with her, but I get a bit of a fix from knowing she wants me.  Ugh.

[MammaMia]

Tordesilas

If you are not prepared to tell her face-to-face that it is over and stand firm, do not respond.  The usual progression is to get you to meet and "talk".  She may try to manipulate you back into the relationship (often with sex)  OR she may use this opportunity to rage and damage you further.

Often pwBPD will do this to PROVE to themselves they can still manipulate others.  It is all about them. It is all about power.  When their needs are satisfied and their "control" re-established, they will often abandon the relationship again.

At this moment, you are in control and you need to be strong.  Consider your actions carefully.