advice greatly appreciated on reconnecting with UBPD mother

[Awakening23]

Hi all its been 2 and a half years since I was in contact with my mother. After trying to establish a healthy relationship with her by creating boundaries she had an extinction burst. I started therapy and allowed myself to heal. I've had another child in those 2 and a half years and I'm in a happy place.

She hand posted an unusually friendly card through the door suggesting we meet. I know this is most likely because she's recently found out my brother in getting divorced and wants to spend some time with someone at Xmas. I've agreed to meet her next week but I know she is going to layer on the guilt of being on her own at Xmas and talk about how terrible she feels about my brothers divorce etc etc. I want to keep healthy boundaries and not be manipulated by her as I have been so greatly in the past. I would greatly appreciate any advice on how to implement this and what to do when she pushes my triggers. I'd like to think I'm strong enough and emotionally detached enough to handle this but I guess only on meeting her will I find out for sure. My life has been drama free since we have been NC and i am far two busy with 2 small children and work to get caught up in her disordered world. I could handle perhaps a monthly meet but is this possible? How easy is it to not get sucked in to the FOG? Thanks

[Kwamina]

Hi Awakening23

Since you've been NC with your mother for such a long time, I understand why just the thought of meeting up with her again could make you feel anxious. Not being around her meant you were spared a lot of BPD drama, but also that you probably didn't need to apply many of the coping skills as much anymore because it wasn't needed in this NC environment.

I've agreed to meet her next week but I know she is going to layer on the guilt of being on her own at Xmas and talk about how terrible she feels about my brothers divorce etc etc. I want to keep healthy boundaries and not be manipulated by her as I have been so greatly in the past. I would greatly appreciate any advice on how to implement this and what to do when she pushes my triggers.

Well it seems that you already have a quite clear picture of what to expect. This can help you mentally and emotionally prepare yourself for what might come. My advice would be to try not to take anything she says or does personally and try to remain calm. Also J.A.D.E. might help you, don't J.A.D.E. as in don't justify, argue, defend or explain. I would also advise you not make any rash decisions about any further contact with your mother when you meet up, but to take the time to think that over before you decide. You expect her to layer on the guilt about being alone at Christmas. Perhaps she will ask you if she can spend the holidays with you or you out of guilt might want to invite her. Whether you would decide anything like this is up to you of course, but I would advise you to take a step back and not make any rash decisions or promises to her out of fear, obligation and/or guilt (FOG). I hope this will be of some help to you as you deal with your mother. Take care

[Awakening23]

Sound advice. jade seems a logically way of not reacting to my mother. It must take a bit of practice. She will try and delve in to my reasoning, not sure how I will swerve a dodge ball when she asks "why". My brother says in dealing with my mum he tends to ignore a lot of her crazy statements and uncomfortable questions. Changing the subject may work. It's such an unnatural way to behave but as I've come to learn the only way forward when dealing with a disordered person. Otherwise I will feel as if I've fallen into a trap with my mother and then condependency will ensue. I will stay mindful of making any promises or arrangements to meet at Xmas led by the fog. It seems continuing any sort of relationship with a person with BPD requires you to totally re think how you react and behave in their company. Can both sides have a fulfilling relationship under this basis? I'd be interested to hear stories of people who have succeeded in this. Many thanks.

[Finding Courage]

I just posted a different thread about my struggles like this too.  I really try and remember what is best for me, and that she is a grown woman who needs to take care of herself.  She always seemed to think it was my job, but it really isn't.  And every contact I do have is triggering.  She may not ever understand but she made a whole childhood of decisions that seriously negatively impacted me.  So, now "you reap what you sow." 

The FOG is very difficult though.  Best wishes and take care.

[Awakening23]

Thankyou finding courage for your comments. Yes my mother sounds alike to yours in the sense that she feels I am responsible for her happiness. As a child she would use me as an emotional crutch. She would sleep in my bed regularly and cry next to me amongst other damaging behaviours. It's so easy to fall into a dynamic of emotional incest and codependency as an adult and which I did after 10 years NC. I was desperate to have a mother who was proud of me and a bond but i didn't understand her illness back then. I realise now I can never have the relationship I desire with my mother but perhaps by changing my reactions and needs I can see things for the way they really are and establish some sort of relationship and well if I can't then I guess it's back to NC and a life of providing a healthy relationship with my partner and children. Our mental health is too important. Best wishes.

[Kwamina]

It's such an unnatural way to behave but as I've come to learn the only way forward when dealing with a disordered person. Otherwise I will feel as if I've fallen into a trap with my mother and then condependency will ensue. I will stay mindful of making any promises or arrangements to meet at Xmas led by the fog. It seems continuing any sort of relationship with a person with BPD requires you to totally re think how you react and behave in their company. Can both sides have a fulfilling relationship under this basis?

That's a very good question. It's gonna be different for everyone, but as I look at my own uBPD family members I'd say that it's possible to make some improvements but it has never been and most likely will never be what can be considered a truly fulfilling relationship. It is what it is though and to get to the point that you can at least get some fulfillment will require you to accept the reality of who you're mother really is. This means letting go of the 'fantasy' parent you might still long for but never had and unfortunately likely will never have. You have been NC with your mother for a long time before this happened. During that period you started therapy and worked on your healing. Do you feel like you've accepted the reality of who you're mother really is and have been able to let got of the fantasy parent?

[Ziggiddy]

I would congratulate you, Awakening for  thinking and planning this carefully. I had a situation where i was obliged to stay with my uBPDm due to previous commitment and I went in all planned up, all versed up with tools and reminders and plans for modulating communication. For the most part I succeeded in what I set out to do - which was to get through the time with as little conflict as possible and maintain some immutable boundaries.

What I did not expect was the sudden sense of loss when I saw her contravene my specific wishes.

What I am saying is there are possibly going to be unexpected emotions when you meet up with her and once the first flush of delight is over and the best behaviour is not quite kept up be prepared for feelings you may not have thought about in the meantime.

In addition to the great advice you have been given so far, I would say to keep your objective (whatever it is) firmly in your mind.

I also found , like you that my Mum wants to know the reason I have for certain behaviour toward her but I know I KNOW her objective in asking that question is not to engage in logical or upbuilding mutually respectful dialogue. I know she wants something to 'push against' so she can reason me out of it. Convince me I'm wrong. It is a pattern of a lifetime.

So as far as her wanting to know your reasoning, ask yourself if she is entitled to know? What is her motivation for asking you? That will help guide you in whether or not you want to answer. Me I change the subject. Not subtle but it achieves my goal - to not have a conflict.

I would agree with Kwamina however about the idea of a mutually fulfilling r/ship. I mean I'm not ruling it out - people can change - but without extensive committed therapy it is unlikely.

Perhaps you can define what you mean by 'fulfilling'?

Do keep us posted as to how it turns out when you do meet her, Awakening. i am very curious!

Ziggiddy

[hope and silver linings]

Thanks everyone, what a great thread.  I'm so new to this that I have little to offer in addition except that I have been trying to draw the line at my siblings.  When my mother asks me about them, as is inevitable, I tell her I don't know much and that she should talk to her sons to get information directly from them.  I know this makes her frustrated, but at least I know I'm not feeding her anxiety and paranoia by giving her anything that she'll misunderstand and use against me or them.

This is the first I've heard of JADE, and sadly it seems to me that if I don't JADE, there is little to talk about with my mother.  Needless to say I don't find our relationship very fulfilling, and I'm sure she doesn't because she always tells me so.  But, she is actually pretty good to my children.  I think if she were not I would have bailed a long time ago. Do you think she could have a different kind of relationship with your children?  Would that be something you want or have an interest in?

[Blimblam]

My only advice is to not give her any personal information about any issue or problem you have ever had about anything ever. There is great likeliness it can and will be used against you as a means of control and for her to dump her crap into you.