Where to go to from here

[Ashman25]

Ok so we have been in a relationship for a little over 2 years now, we don't live together and the majority of the relationship has been fantastic. There has been a couple of things that haven't sat not quite right with me and a couple of times i have been given the silent treatment for 2-3 days, on the whole though i had nothing to complain about.

My pwBPD has been very upfront with me and always answered any questions I had and as such I never really had a need to go searching for information on the internet until basically today. I must say having found this board has been a huge relief and something I will be coming back to for help and support for as long as we are together and probably longer. The stories people have told that I can relate to and advice on how to deal with situations is fantastic and I hope it can continue.

Things have changed dramatically though in this last week and I'm not sure what I should be doing.

This all starts with my pwBPD not liking my brother, whilst i understand that my brother can be a pain and sometimes i struggle to deal with him, he is still my brother and I would like for everyone to get on. My pwBPD avoids conversation with my brother and his fiance and she has explained to me that she does that because she feels she won't be able to control her emotions with them.

Last weekend I had a rather large argument with my brother as he was making threats to not invite my pwBPD to their engagement party as he didn't feel she was making an effort to really get to know him or his new fiance and that they only wanted people there who wanted to be there and not people who felt they had to be there. The argument with my brother left me not knowing where we stand in and left me quite upset and stressed.

This carried over to the Monday and combined with a couple of work stresses I decided I had to seek advice from someone to make sure I wasn't being silly in my own reactions to my brother and the situation. I felt that because my pwBPD already didn't like my brother i wasn't going to get an unbiased view and needed someone independent of the situation.

My pwBPD knew I had been upset the night before and so asked me on the Monday how I was going to which I told her i was upset and stressed but I was going to talk it over with a friend of mine later that afternoon. She asked me what my friend had to do with it to which I replied nothing and that I just wanted to speak with someone outside of the situation. my pwBPD then got worried it was something that she had done and despite my best efforts to assure her that it wasn't she started giving me the silent treatment.

For the rest of the day Monday, all of Tuesday and most of Wednesday I go the silent treatment, I tired to start conversations with things such as asking how her day was going or how uni was going but got nowhere. Usually on Wednesday nights she comes back to stay at my place after work and not knowing if she was coming on not on Wednesday i sent her a message in the afternoon asking if she was coming over. I did at least get a response and it was just a simple no.

I replied letting her know I didn't understand and that I was here and ready to talk whenever she was. The reply I got was short and sweet 'maybe (my friends name) can explain it'.

I reacted and told her I didn't think that was fair and that I felt I was allowed to talk to my friends. I didn't get a response and so i followed up with explaining my position more and that it was probably the most stressed and upset I had been in my whole life and I needed to talk to someone outside of the situation (not realizing at the time i was adding fuel to the fire). She just responded with 'exactly' and I asked if she could explain why that was a problem. Of course instead of doing that she told me that I should be able to figure that out and if I couldn't we had bigger problems.

We basically went through Thursday night and Friday running over the same things with now the fact that I clearly don't give a rats was starting to come in to it all the while refusing to tell me whats actually going on. Plus my attempts to start conversations weren't good enough either. Late Friday night I was told I was making her feel guilty which wasn't helping.

Last night we got into another argument over it but at least I got some information this time.

She feels that by the way I acted in going to see my friend instead of her that it meant that she was not the most important person in my life. I explained that I disagreed and that I felt like I had the right to go and talk to my friends if I wanted to, we got to the point where I could talk to her with her being reasonably calm, and basically I got to the point where I was told that I could talk to my friends but only after I had spoken to her about it.

She also feels that I have hurt her deeply and unless the situation is resolved she can't get past it. She told me she felt I hadn't made any effort at all and a few words in message or phone calls doesn't mean anything, it was my actions in going to someone else that started this and I need to show her somehow that she is the most important person in my life.

I want to work through this but now I face 2 problems.

1. Can I really accept her saying I can't speak to anyone other than her first on all issues regardless of who is involved or what the issue is. I feel the answer to that is no but how do I approach that considering she has already said she can't compromise on that?

2. How do I actually show her that she is the most important thing to me other than doing something like getting flowers (which I don't think is appropriate anyway)?

Any thoughts/help is appreciated.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Scout99]

I want to work through this but now I face 2 problems.

1. Can I really accept her saying I can't speak to anyone other than her first on all issues regardless of who is involved or what the issue is. I feel the answer to that is no but how do I approach that considering she has already said she can't compromise on that?

2. How do I actually show her that she is the most important thing to me other than doing something like getting flowers (which I don't think is appropriate anyway)?

Any thoughts/help is appreciated.

I think you will be able to get a lot of good help and suggestions from more communication-skilled board members, so consider this just a start... .

1. Can I really accept her saying I can't speak to anyone other than her first on all issues regardless of who is involved or what the issue is. I feel the answer to that is no but how do I approach that considering she has already said she can't compromise on that?

The short and simple answer to that is of course no... . you can not allow her to put a gag on you and stop you from talking to whom ever you want about whatever you want, whenever you want or need to... . That would be violating your boundaries and your human rights... . So how to go about this... . I think reading and learning a bit of DEARMAN skills would be helpful here. DEARMAN is a tool to get across clearly but without falling into the pit of causing any triggers when delivering what it is you want... . And there are plenty of threads and i think also info texts about it here on this site.

What needs to be very clear when having a r/s with a person who has BPD is that even though they are experts in creating fear in us that we will be tossed out the window if they feel crossed or don't get their will, that can never ever become our responsibility to prevent from happening... . The moment the eggshells come out, the r/s becomes highly dysfunctional and toxic for the non-party. So we have to make sure that never happens... . That means we have to learn to stand our ground when it comes to our personal boundaries. And make them understand that those are rock solid... . Threatening them will for them too jeopardize the r/s... .

I think the toughest thing to learn and to accept when in a r/s with a pwBPD is that we have to allow them to choose whether they want to be in the r/s or not. It has to be their choice at all times, and can never be part of our responsibility to make sure they never want to leave by adjusting our actions and what we say or want or feel to prevent that from happening.

In all honesty I think by doing the eggshell dances and bending and operating out of fear of us being abandoned we too create a mirror to their inner fear of abandonment. And I do believe that if we manage to be more firm calm and steadfast we lessen the risk of them wanting to leave... . By waxing an waining we create an image of ourselves to be insecure and insecure means more risk to them... .

On the other hand, with standing firm and being steadfast also comes the fact that we have to be prepared to accept that the consequence might be that they bail... . But if they do, then they would have done it anyway... . And it will have saved us a whole lot of pain and suffering not having to budge and walk the eggshells and worry constantly about the r/s... .

So how would you go about it? I think you should sit down with her and simply look her in the eyes and tell her you love her, but there is one thing she needs to know about you and that is that sometimes you need to vent stuff that you have on your mind. And that you will make it your business to choose with whom you do it with. Sometimes you will choose to do it with her, but sometimes it is better for you to seek advice or guidance from a friend or someone outside of the relationship, depending on what issue you need to ponder over... . And then formulate something along the lines like: It is important for me to know that I have that freedom within the realm or our relationship to do so, and that you can trust me and my judgement that I never would use that to betray you in any way. I love you, but it is up to you to choose if you can trust me or not. I can not do that for you.

2. How do I actually show her that she is the most important thing to me other than doing something like getting flowers (which I don't think is appropriate anyway)?

I don't think you should fall into the trap of having to "prove" yourself to her, at this point... . I think you need to give her some space to calm down, then sit down with her and have your talk... . if you bend over backwards now and buy flowers or make some grand gestures you will only give here the signal that messing with you like this works and at the end of it there is a reward for it too... . I think it is important not to loose ourselves just in situations like these and give in to our fears of them leaving the r/s... . if we do, the risk of loosing in the end just shoots through the roof... .

But it is not about getting angry or engage into the conflict, but just calmly assert ourselves and explain without too many details where we stand, and give the impression that just as firmly as we stand her, we are also committed to the relationship. Then we create a safer ground for both parties, I believe.

Best wishes

scout99