Did you also ask your partner these questions ?

[Reg]

I was wondering how many of us have been asking the same type of questions to our partner due to their behavior, questions I sometimes asked in a normal way, but also when she did get me angry, or things I just said towards the end of our relationship, here are just a few of them :

- Do you actually have your own personality ?

- You are talking like a parrot again, do you have an opinion of your own ? You say the opposite of what you said earlier, and I know from who these words come. Tell me about it why you changed your mind.

- Divorce is a grieving process, take some distance from eachother for some time, stop hurting one another

- Is there actually a we ?

- Why do you listen to jealous people ?

- Why do you always seek your ex who gives you nothing but guilty feelings and is manipulating you ?

- Do you always do what others ask you to do or tell you to do ? 

- You're thinking about the wrong things to take a decision

- Why can't you keep your word ?  Do you know it frustrates me a lot ?

- Why can't you make important decisions in your life ?

- Why do you always come back on your decisions, what is the reason ?

- Do you actually understand your own feelings ?

- Why are you so ashamed about such little things (for example a small scar)

- Why are you being so naive ?

- Why can you put yourself in someone else's shoes ?

- Have more confidence in yourself you have every reason for it

- Do you actually believe you own lies ?

- You don't have to do what your child wants, you have to do what is good for your child

- You behave self destructive, I don't get it why you do this

- Try to be more assertive

- You would be a good actress

- Do you actually know what love is ?

- Why do you push me away, what happened ?

- Why does our relationship comes so often on the last place ?

- Kissing and cuddling with someone else is not cheating when you do it, but when someone else does it, it is ? Do you care to explain that to me ?

I know these lines come from frustration at times, but actually in a way they were the right questions... .   And I didn't get any answers a lot of times, I did get many times the I don't know answer... .   So many red flags !

Reg

[VeryFree]

- Do you actually have your own personality ? Sort of, I asked her what her real pesonality was.

- You are talking like a parrot again, do you have an opinion of your own ? You say the opposite of what you said earlier, and I know from who these words come. Tell me about it why you changed your mind. Yes, I did. Never got an answer though.

- Divorce is a grieving process, take some distance from eachother for some time, stop hurting one another Sort of, I told her she's nothing going to win by keep taking me down and try to ruin me.

- Is there actually a we ? Never asked that one.

- Why do you listen to jealous people ? No, I asked her why she was so jealous on me and on other persons.

- Why do you always seek your ex who gives you nothing but guilty feelings and is manipulating you ? She didn't, but I did ask this same question about her family. She answered I was lying, her family was fantastic... .

- Do you always do what others ask you to do or tell you to do ? No, because she didn't.

- You're thinking about the wrong things to take a decision No, I left her thinking her way.

- Why can't you keep your word ?  :)o you know it frustrates me a lot ? I did, she denied.

- Why can't you make important decisions in your life ? I did, she denied.

- Why do you always come back on your decisions, what is the reason ? I did, she denied.

- Do you actually understand your own feelings ? I did, she answered she didn't know.

- Why are you so ashamed about such little things (for example a small scar) I didn't, because she wasn't.

- Why are you being so naive ? I didn't, because she wasn't. I was the naive one.

- Why can you put yourself in someone else's shoes ? I did, but she told me she always did that. She thought that was her big problem: always thinking and caring about others and never about herself.

- Have more confidence in yourself you have every reason for it Yes.

- Do you actually believe you own lies ? Yes, she answered she never in her whole life has lied once.

- You don't have to do what your child wants, you have to do what is good for your child No.

- You behave self destructive, I don't get it why you do this Yes, she answered that I was destructive.

- Try to be more assertive No, wasn't necessary.

- You would be a good actress No, I don't believetaht.

- Do you actually know what love is ? Yes, never got an answer.

- Why do you push me away, what happened ? Yes, many times. The answer would always be something that I did wrong in her eyes.

- Why does our relationship comes so often on the last place ? Yes, never got an answer.

- Kissing and cuddling with someone else is not cheating when you do it, but when someone else does it, it is ? Do you care to explain that to me ? No, but it's typical she would measure with different cups.

All these questions are legitimate, but also not very validating.

Looking back I should not have asked those questions (never got a worthwhile answer), but that's after reading these board.

Use the communicationtechniques overhere!

[Moonie75]

The last words she heard from my mouth were, "There is no 'we' in our relationship."

We had different relationships with different people Reg, but more than half your list hit home with me.

[Reg]

VeryScared,

If I had known what the problem was at the time, I probably wouldn't have asked many of these questions in that way... .

I know the questions were not validating, and well aware of that now.  They were a result often of anger and frustration, not understanding what happened with her and why she did what she did.

Concerning her way of thinking, I often asked her what she was thinking about concerning taking decisions.  And what she was thinking about very often had nothing to do with the situation itself.  But with her fears, something I understand now very well.

But a good one on the naive part, yes we were/are ourselves !

In a way I have been very supportive to give her more self esteem, self confidence, to be less ashamed, etc but I also know that my frustration after some years did destroy my own doings on that matter as well.  By not knowing what we deal with, borderline, we also add to their trauma.

My ex partner was very easily influenced, our holiday in Kos Greece was ruined by the fact that her old mentor (who did beat up his wife and had an alcoholic problem) had asked her why she didn't want to give her husband another chance.  One of the things leading to this question : Do you always do what others ask you to do or tell you to do ?

Reg

[Reg]

Thanks Moonie !  Curious how we all saw the signals, isn't it ?

Actually the question about being an actress happened due to the fact that whenever there was a social occasion with her family, she would push me away, break up, and pull me back in afterwards (sometimes the same evening or night).

It seemed to me (at the time) that she was trying to act as if her marriage was still standing, to the outside world, that everything was great and ok between them.  This happened with all New Years's Eves, most Christmasses, the 25 years marriage of an uncle and aunt, the marriage of her brother, 50th anniversaries of family members, ... .

Reg

[Moonie75]

Had that too Reg. Any kind of significant gathering, family, something on the friends calender, Christmas/New Year time especially, she would act out, play up, I'd react & get pushed away. Only later to be approached by her wanting to sort things. But of course, she'd had her way by then & got what she wanted (reason I'll never know).

Because I was closest to her & so her biggest trigger, I used to wonder if it was because she was frightened I might trigger her in front of a big group & that's why she didn't want me there? Fear?

[Reg]

Moonie,

I'm rather convinced that fear has a lot to do with it.  I've never found an actual good answer on that matter, but perhaps it may have to do with the lack of self esteem/confidence and what others would have been thinking of her, especially family.

After two and a half years, she lied to most family members about her relation with me (it was over she said to them, the less they knew the better she said to me) and the fact that she had been painting me black all over to some family members, can explain her behavior in a later stage of the relation, but not in the early stages... .

Reg

[Moonie75]

Reg,

I'm with ya there too man! I don't know if I'll be able to explain this without it getting confusing... .

The early stage of the relationships we had weren't far behind the latter stages of the previous relationships they had. So what we experienced in the early days with 'event behavior' which seems to have not been needed at the time, may just be learned behavior from when they did 'need' to do it in the latter stages with previous guy. And lets be honest, those stages between end of him & start of us weren't far apart!

[Moonie75]

I went to a music festival with my ex. Nice weekend for just the two of us & nobody else we know, theripy for us after a big row a few weeks before. Camping with thousands of others attending. Ex says she's off to get a coffee from a drink stall. I say I'm ok ta & don't want one so off she goes to get hers. I changed my mind few minutes later & make my way to the stall too. I get there to see her talking to a friend she's bumped into. I met this friend a few times during the time I was idealized & adored. But after the first split & painting black I've never seen her since (until this moment). I'm in a crowd & not obviously visible but stood close enough to hear the convo.

Friend- "who are you here with"

Ex-"Oh, There's a load of us camping in the top field"

Friend- "Cool I might come find you later & we can have a proper catch up"

Ex-"Well you don't know them, they're a bunch from work. It's probably best I come to find you & your lot"

Friend- "Ok see you later some time we're at bla bla bla"

I was dumbfounded at hearing this. I thought omg she's actually lying about being hear with her partner. What the hell has she told this girl about me that makes her so scared to say I'm here?

It did make me realize though that she was well aware of how bad she'd made me look to people & damaged my name to them! She was obviously VERY AWARE of that!

[Reg]

Curiously Moonie, in my case it was, rather far apart in a way.  Although she and her husband were still in the same house in the very first few weeks of our relationship. They had agreed that things didn't work out between them and never would half a year before that, and she had before me another short relationship which ended in a suicide attempt of that person after she finished the relationship.  There wasn't any real recycling involved that time afterwards.  Most curious.  The only time she didn't feel the need to recycle it seems.  There was just very occasional contact afterwards on FB for example.  Perhaps not to face the guilt/shame of the suicide attampt that she didn't try to recycle ?

[Reg]

Moonie, it's that self defensive borderline system again indeed. 

They realise if they paint you black over and over again, and then show up with you, it will give them shame for what they said, people will not understand them, and the fear of not being taken serious and the truth to come out must be triggering this.  So I think in order not to have that shame and fear, they just push you away on these moments.  That part I can understand.

I think the other part is also all about shame and what will others think of me... .

[Moonie75]

Amen brother!

[VeryFree]

Definitely.

During my r/s my stbx has painted me black often. One time it was worse than other times.

After that conflict was over, we never saw two of her friends anymore... . I spoke to her about it, but she didn't have a clue.

Now I understand that it probably was because of her paintings... .

Interesting thing is, that I recently learned, that after our separation she contacted them again... . To paint a little more I think.

Really doesn't mind: it weren't my friends. But nontheless: it doesn't feel good being painted black.

[Moonie75]

I never painted my g/f black during our splits (probably because I was hoping it was temporary split) & I'm also a pretty private person who doesn't really slate ex girlfriends. I was always taught if you make ex partners out to be so bad/stupid etc etc, you're also bad mouthing your choice of partner & putting yourself down along with their name. (Dad's wisdom).

But after she had painted me black as she could, she was VERY reluctant to meet my friends again. She must've been convinced that I'd have done the same about her. She did bump into my best friend about a week into our last & FINAL split (3 weeks ago). I've been painted blackest ever this time to all & sundry, I can't believe some of what's leaking back to me. Truly rotten distorted one sided dribble.

At the opportunity to slam my name to someone who is a big part of my life she for some reason, controlled herself. The worst she could manage was "Moonie is not who you think he is Jon. But he will be the most loyal friend you'll ever have".

I haven't made any sense of that?

[Surnia]

  guys

Good to have you here and we want to support you in your detaching process. I feel with you, going through this kind of relationships is hard and many things are difficult to understand.

Sharing about the past with your ex - what about your present? What do you do for yourself? Exercising, workouts, seeing friends? New projects? What is working, what not?

[Reg]

Surnia,

In my case the last year was a year of hell.  I had an accident at work, damaging my back (which has healed  now, but ik took me almost a year), got fired due to this, I did get fibromyalgia just like my ex, but I have it largely under control and have not much problems with it anymore, I had the end of the relationship and my father died 4 months ago on a moment everybody was convinced that my mother was was to die every moment.  Curiously, my fathers heart gave up and my mother got better.

I had been seeing a therapist once before the relation ended and a few times during the relationship.  To seek out if I had any problems as well.  Anyway I did get a cat from my ex who was her husbands, and didn't interest him at all.  My former stepdaughter had me back at mixing music.  The cat and the music (much of it uplifting and uplifting trance even) were two parts of my healing. 

Two weeks after my father died I started to go to the gym again (for myself, my back and the fibro), lost weight, and wrote my entire story down to remind me what happened.  I went out of the house, visited friends, made daytrips, did and do research for my other books and am meanwhile looking for a new job.  I learned a lot concerning BPD, just published the book on line (in my own language, other names etc) and have a new life ahead of me.  I feel no longer any anger or frustration, I have accepted things.  For me and for her.  I have more books coming up on my normal subject I write about, so I'm busy.

I think that's it in short for me... .

Reg

[Surnia]

Reg,

Wow, this was a lot together, I am so very sorry to hear about your father!

My former stepdaughter had me back at mixing music.  The cat and the music (much of it uplifting and uplifting trance even) were two parts of my healing. 

It is so important to have "helpers" during detaching!

I am happy, you are better now, having acceptance for the past and new things for the present. 

[Reg]

Surnia, indeed, as I also mentioned elsewhere with the what's and why's, I also learned a lot about myself, and still do.

Thanks for the kind words on my father.  It was a lot together indeed.  I just needed the time to get out of my vicious circle I was in with her.  And had good support from some real friends.  They were never judgemental, good thing !

One can't change it's past, I never judge people on their past, we all have one, and acceptance and understanding what happened is the best thing finally.  Once we get there we can move on.  I made new friends, one of them has been in the same situation I was.  Actually with the BPD from my street with whom my ex cheated me with. It was his ex wife. He also moved on in his life and has a good relationship now. Funny world sometimes !