HELP Just when I thought...

[megocean]

Recently I posted in Success Stories, as things were going so well---and had been for quite some time. THEN, we planned a small trip---well, I planned it, and he went along with it. I changed some small details of the plans, then there were misunderstandings in which he thought I changed more. Now, on the day we were supposed to leave, he will not see me or speak to me. Also, during our discussions after things started falling apart, I said (not in anger, but in honesty) that there were times that I wanted to be away from him as closeness can bring up difficult feelings for me.

I'm not sure what sent him over the edge, but something in all of this. And it's definitely greatly distressing for me. I think that what I should do is stay out of his way until he gets regulated again, so I am trying to do that. I can't believe I forgot, when I knew it so well, what things (changed details, travel) can cause dyregulation.

Whoever said that you have to be strong to be in a relationship like this was very wise---and I can't forget that. I'm not the strongest. Being cut off like this triggers my stuff. So, I need to figure out how to take care of myself. I feel physically ill, and upcoming social events I was looking forward to now seem empty and like a chore.

Any thoughts would be appreciated...

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[waverider]

You are right you need to learn how to look after yourself when the road hits these potholes. They will happen. learn how to detach and be independent so that what when this stuff happens you just shrug it off and get on with plan B.

[briefcase]

It takes some time to get some detachment, keep at it and it will get easier and feel more natural.  The downturns after a long period of good times can be particularly hard as you start to think maye he's really changed this time.  It's a hard lesson, that we all go through, but even after long periods of good times there will be bumps.  It's not the end of the world, it's just the way it is. 

[megocean]

Thanks for your helpful responses! I guess I'll consider it progress that I know what to do (detach) when there's a bump. But it's the actual DOING it that can be hard. I'll keep practicing... .

[waverider]

Thanks for your helpful responses! I guess I'll consider it progress that I know what to do (detach) when there's a bump. But it's the actual DOING it that can be hard. I'll keep practicing... .

Dont beat yourself up about it, even the wisest amongst us still have trouble walking our own talk at times... Do your best and be proud that it is probably far better than it used to be... It will never be perfect, but life never is. Even sane balanced couples have flaming rows from time to time...

[Theo41]

I have the same problems with my uBPDw. She is very sensitive to any change in plans. Also, when we go anywhere in the car it is important that I not get lost. I get ironclad directions and have even thought about dry running the route, if it's short and confusing to me. A therapist suggested that I communicate my plans to her and I do. This minimizes surprises and works quite well actually. The stress of travel has always caused her to disregulate. Same with preparing for and entertaining company. I have suggested and she has agreed that we travel and entertain less (it fits since we have been retired for a while and did a lot of traveling and entertaining already.) I believe , as others have said, they are going to split/disregulate. It is as though they need to blow off some negative energy on a fairly frequent basis. They like to say its your fault and I bought that for many years but its usually not true. I've experienced her blowing up over small and insignificant things that don't even make real sense. I am beginning to use the validation technique taught here and it helps a lot. They are used to hearing:"you shouldn't feel that way" and it is most distressing to them. I say: if you did that to me I would be upset too, but I need you to know that ( it was a mistake/accident) (I didnt do that to you) or whatever makes sense. The important part is to validate their feelings. Finally, you have to decide if you are willing to put up with this. It's very hard and requires that you have a satisfying life in other respects (great career, serious artistic or athletic interests, lots of supportive friends,etc.) whether your partner is able or willing to see they have a serious problem and is willing to go to DPT therapy is an important consideration . Most people will not put up with this problem in a partner, especially if the sick partner is in denial and won't seek help. Finally, we have all been in your situation and our hearts go out to you. I hope some or all of this is of help, the way other posts have helped me. All best. Theo