completely confused and hurt

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Dear all,

I won't review all the details (although this might not make sense to you if you don't read previous posts... . let me know if you want me to do some cutting and pasting), but almost two weeks ago I was under the impression that my exBPD had been emailing professional contacts in a effort to hurt me. It turns out that she did email a couple of people, but after talking with her (I'll get to that soon), it was not as bad as a thought. She never forwarded anything that explicitly implied we had a relationship.

After I found out, however, I noticed myself being able to detach from her in a way I had not previously been able to. I was able to not email, call or try to visit her (she had rejected and either ignored me or written me extremely coldly me since April)... . I was able to start finding a little peace and joy again in life.

Then this past Tuesday I get an email from her out of the blue... . she writes politely and says that things have been very hard on her too and just because she pretended like there was nothing does not mean that she went through similar things that I had.

This was so unlike anything that had come from her for the past 4.5 months... . I responded somewhat neutrally and said that since I found out she had been emailing people I've been able to not call or email and that maybe I finally could detach (I thought she would be relieved, communication had been practically one sided for 4.5 months and I started feeling like I was stalking her almost which made me uncomfortable). I told her I was happy in a way she had emailed those people.

The she writes back a long email and then wants to talk (she had not picked up my calls for 4.5 months). In both her emails and over the phone she is mature, reflective, sweet, seems to be able to see different sides to things, says that she contacted me because she was worried about me (I had told her a couple of weeks ago I had called the suicide hotline which was true). In other words, a totally different person... . I thought to myself wow, is she changing, maybe I was wrong about her having BPD, maybe I've been wring about everything, maybe she really is the person I first thought she was and I feel in love with... . all these emotions and feelings come gushing back, I find myself having hope that maybe she actually still loves me. I even told her I had been seeing a therapist all summer and had been posting about her online (this forum) in an effort to understand her but now maybe I was all wrong.

Then she emails me a few hours after our conversation and says in a very nice and sweet way that she needs someone that stands up for her and she felt I could not do that (the issue was that a person had spoken badly about her, I had told her that and she was mad at me that I did not defend her enough). The implication was that she does not want anything with me.

I wrote her back right away that her reason for rejecting me another time was bogus because there were many reasons I could not stand up for her this particular time (the biggest is that I did not want that important person to suspect anything... . but actually I did say good professional things about her to this person) and that this could not be the reason and that if she does not love me and is sure I'm not the one, she should just say that.

I had even written her right after our conversation asking her to please not write me a cold email because I could not take it. And then she does just that.

I don't understand any of this. My questions are:

-Why suddenly does she decide to care about me and write me in a nice way? She wrote me a cold email in April stating that she does not have and will not have any more feelings for me. In July she said she does not know if she even cares. Why now?

-I have been in hell for the past four months. I was finally starting to get a little better and see hope and then she writes me. I was convinced she would never write me again.

All these awful feelings have come back. Why would she do this? Is she playing some kind of sick game with me? Or is she, suddenly for the first time, really concerned with my well-being? (during previous months I had written a few desperate emails to her with no response).

I feel so frustrated and sad and full of despair. I was just starting to feel hope again. And now this... .

Many thanks,

Jhenson

[Jhensohn]

Dear all,

I won't review all the details (although this might not make sense to you if you don't read previous posts... . let me know if you want me to do some cutting and pasting), but almost two weeks ago I was under the impression that my exBPD had been emailing professional contacts in a effort to hurt me. It turns out that she did email a couple of people, but after talking with her (I'll get to that soon), it was not as bad as a thought. She never forwarded anything that explicitly implied we had a relationship.

After I found out, however, I noticed myself being able to detach from her in a way I had not previously been able to. I was able to not email, call or try to visit her (she had rejected and either ignored me or written me extremely coldly me since April)... . I was able to start finding a little peace and joy again in life.

Then this past Tuesday I get an email from her out of the blue... . she writes politely and says that things have been very hard on her too and just because she pretended like there was nothing does not mean that she went through similar things that I had.

This was so unlike anything that had come from her for the past 4.5 months... . I responded somewhat neutrally and said that since I found out she had been emailing people I've been able to not call or email and that maybe I finally could detach (I thought she would be relieved, communication had been practically one sided for 4.5 months and I started feeling like I was stalking her almost which made me uncomfortable). I told her I was happy in a way she had emailed those people.

The she writes back a long email and then wants to talk (she had not picked up my calls for 4.5 months). In both her emails and over the phone she is mature, reflective, sweet, seems to be able to see different sides to things, says that she contacted me because she was worried about me (I had told her a couple of weeks ago I had called the suicide hotline which was true). In other words, a totally different person... . I thought to myself wow, is she changing, maybe I was wrong about her having BPD, maybe I've been wring about everything, maybe she really is the person I first thought she was and I feel in love with... . all these emotions and feelings come gushing back, I find myself having hope that maybe she actually still loves me. I even told her I had been seeing a therapist all summer and had been posting about her online (this forum) in an effort to understand her but now maybe I was all wrong.

Then she emails me a few hours after our conversation and says in a very nice and sweet way that she needs someone that stands up for her and she felt I could not do that (the issue was that a person had spoken badly about her, I had told her that and she was mad at me that I did not defend her enough). The implication was that she does not want anything with me.

I wrote her back right away that her reason for rejecting me another time was bogus because there were many reasons I could not stand up for her this particular time (the biggest is that I did not want that important person to suspect anything... . but actually I did say good professional things about her to this person) and that this could not be the reason and that if she does not love me and is sure I'm not the one, she should just say that.

I had even written her right after our conversation asking her to please not write me a cold email because I could not take it. And then she does just that.

I don't understand any of this. My questions are:

-Why suddenly does she decide to care about me and write me in a nice way? She wrote me a cold email in April stating that she does not have and will not have any more feelings for me. In July she said she does not know if she even cares. Why now?

-I have been in hell for the past four months. I was finally starting to get a little better and see hope and then she writes me. I was convinced she would never write me again.

All these awful feelings have come back. Why would she do this? Is she playing some kind of sick game with me? Or is she, suddenly for the first time, really concerned with my well-being? (during previous months I had written a few desperate emails to her with no response).

I feel so frustrated and sad and full of despair. I was just starting to feel hope again. And now this... .

Many thanks,

Jhenson

[Jhensohn]

I forgot to say that the last thing she wrote in her last email was that she does not want to be the victim anymore... . something I also really did not understand.

[Perfidy]

Temptation. All I can say about your ex is that trying to understand ANYTHING about them is a lesson in futility. What I want to tell you is that for your own good since you are devastated

by contact with her(as i am with my ex) then don't communicate with her. It's not that she wants to hurt you. She has no consideration for anyone but her.

[Learning_curve74]

I know how you feel. Maybe you feel like the kind beautiful warm and caring person is the real her. Of course you loved that person she was, I too loved my BPDex. But she is mentally ill with BPD, so pushing people away, cheating and lying to cover up and/or keep partners around is her way of coping with her world.

How much does it matter if she genuinely cares for you on her own way if she is just going to treat you in the same way again and again? Aren't what somebody feels and says and what somebody's actions are two independent things? Abusers may tell their victims that they love them but it doesn't take away the fact that they are hurting them.

If you read many of the experiences in the forums, it is likely your ex is getting emotionally connected with another person and is trying to soothe her fears of engulfment and abandonment by reaching out to you. You think it's about her feelings towards you, but it's really about her feelings towards herself. She needs the feeling of being desired and chased by by others, but it's that love? And more importantly are you willing to give her those things without any expectations that she lives you in return?

Maybe you think she is the key to your happiness, at one point I certainly felt the same about my BPDex. But if you look at it objectively, hasn't she really been the key to your unhappiness? Hang in there, it's very tough. Now is the time to love yourself and take care of yourself as well as you can.  

[bpdspell]

Why suddenly does she decide to care about me and write me in a nice way? She wrote me a cold email in April stating that she does not have and will not have any more feelings for me. In July she said she does not know if she even cares. Why now?

When we are in the "not sure if they're really mentally ill" stage we tend to not look at the facts that are right in front of us because we are attached. But if you look at your ex's behavior her ability to hurt you with her pretzel logic is as clear as day. Her contact could be two fold. Perhaps she contacted you to absolve her guilt for how things ended. But its certainly not the "care" you are reading it to be. She probably also contacted you to see if you were still emotionally available to her.

Accepting that we fell in love with a mentally ill person is a tough battle of our own push and pull. We want idealization back. Its our addiction. On the outside they look normal and speak normal when they aren't emotionally triggered and dsyregulated. But a true sign of the disorder of BPD is emotional instability. When your ex emailed you her written words of care were more about what you were hopeful for and less about her showing true remorse and making amends.

When they contact us and make nice we allow their words to hold more gravity when in reality their words never match their actions. A person who is truly sorry makes amends, takes accountability of their part, and learns from their mistake in a way that it won't be a repetitive pattern.  Our BPD's cannot do this. They're mentally ill.

Her words are just words but the truth of a person is in their actions.

I have been in hell for the past four months. I was finally starting to get a little better and see hope and then she writes me. I was convinced she would never write me again.

All these awful feelings have come back. Why would she do this? Is she playing some kind of sick game with me?

Your past four months may be been hell but was is your emotional goal? Have you accepted her mental illness? Do you desire to detach?  Being in excruciating pain and confusion keeps us stuck and far from detaching.

I ask this because while I cried and cried buckets over my uexBPDbf and felt numb and lifeless I secretly held onto the hope of my exBPDbf coming to rescue me, fix the mess he created and make things right between us. I wasn't detaching at all. More like playing a quiet waiting game where my ex would come to his senses and soothe the personal hell I'd been living in. I was vacillating between rage, anger, tears, being unforgiving, wanting payback, seething in injustice but not detaching and accepting that this person could never have the keys to my happiness.

Or is she, suddenly for the first time, really concerned with my well-being? (during previous months I had written a few desperate emails to her with no response).

I feel so frustrated and sad and full of despair. I was just starting to feel hope again. And now this... .

I think we sometimes confuse their guilt for their actual capacity to care for us and make amends. When are are in a state of unacceptance of their mental illness things will continue to feel like swallowing glass. Open your heart. You deserve better. You deserve to be treated better. You deserved to be valued and appreciated. You are putting your value into the hands of a mentally ill woman. She cannot validate you or give you what you need to make you feel unconditionally loved.

Make the choice to stop the emails and detach. You cannot negotiate or save this relationship by over bargaining and trying to reason with a person who clearly makes a relationship all about her.

Spell

[Perfidy]

Much insight there spell. Stories are so parallel here. Un-mistakeable pattern. I get chills down my back every time I see the same relationship that I had in others.

[Jhensohn]

Wow, thank you so much for your insightful replies. Yes, I guess I just have to accept that she does have BPD... . last night we talked again for 30 minutes. She spent almost the whole time saying why she was so frustrated with me and that she was the victim.

I was at this festival, and she had emailed several people bad things about me. I had told her that I knew and that I said good professional things about her. Now she claims she is the victim because she things people think bad about her... . I was just stunned hearing this. I did not say anything because it is just amazing that she thinks she is the victim after she hurt me by writing others.

Also, she was frustrated because after two months of totally ignoring me, I went to Canada where I knew she was. She complained about this festival director almost the whole time, and the implication was that because he treated her so bad (which honesty it was not that bad) I should not go (the festival started one week after). I told her I would not go, mostly because I just wanted to move on to another topic... . however, afterwards I realized that my tenure would be jeaporzied if I would not go, I would be breaking a professional commitment, I would have no other place to go, etc. So I email her the following day explaining why I have to go.

THis is what she yesterday blames me for. She says I should have explained to her then and now she is so frustrated... .

Maybe you guys know what happened from earlier posts, but I realize that she really does have BPD. Honestly, when she went of on another of her rants and showed really and truly no consideration for me, I realized once again she really and truly is crazy.

I believe now she contacted me because she was worried I had heard bad things about her at the festival, and she is EXTREMELY concerned with what others say and think about her. In fact, that is the only topic she will talk about with me.

What do you guys think?

[Jhensohn]

I actually just realized that my exBPD truly and really does not care what I think or feel. In the beginning I thought she was the most considerate and empathetic person ever. However, as problems started to come up, she really only cared about herself. She really, really, really never showed any interest in how I felt or if I was hurt. She never apologized for anything, everything was always my fault. It is really remarkable when I think back about it. Even in situations where she clearly did something wrong, she turned it around 'she would say things like... . now suddenly I get blamed, I don't deserve this'... .

The problem is that I'm really an introverted person. Most people I just don't feel that comfortable around. My exBPD felt like a perfect fit in many ways, more perfect than anybody I had ever met. But then there is this other side... .

Does this make sense?