how do they change so easily

[cal644]

I still struggle with how the woman I thought I knew and loved for 19 years could change so easily into a person I wouldn't even know or recognize today. All of the values,morals, activities, friends, and family she used to like are no more. I realize that she really didn't have a sense of self, but you would think after that many years together she would have developed some sense of self. It still just blows my mind.

[Newton]

Hi cal... . your sentence that included "many years together"... . is important.  If she is suffering from BPD traits then the combination of intense mirroring/idealization would create a false sense of self/identity.  When life starts to unravel or become too stressful then the defence mechanisms of denial and splitting will kick in... .

It is simpler... . or perhaps less challenging for her, (and essential in order to maintain her false ego) to create a narrative that YOU and the relationship is what is broken... . this avoids the need to confront the shame, guilt, fear that a great deal of the dysfunction originates from her issues.  

[iristile]

I feel your pain. I struggle with the change that I saw in my exUBPDbf too. I can't imagine what 19 years of that would be like! That is almost as long as I have been alive! For me, the rs was only 3.5 yrs, but in that little time, I too witnessed drastic changes. 

It does come down to them not having a sense of self. They mirror those around them. Mine would act like a chameleon, blending with those in his surroundings. He never had a true identity of his own though, and thus would contradict himself and his "values" at every turn. For example, he saw a movie which made him decide to become a vegetarian and he stuck to the diet for about a year, but then he moves in with new roommates who eat meat every day and suddenly that commitment is out the window. I can't say I'm surprised because it's not the first time he's done a 180 like that. And then he wonders why nobody takes him seriously... .    

[cal644]

I do think the stress was what caused a majority of her change. She started going back to school part time and couldn't handle it, in fact I ended up doing most of the work for her because she couldn't handle it. Plus on top of that she told me she quit loving me when my brother got cancer.

[huhhuh]

It's the mirroring. definitely the mirroring.

And I couldn't agree more. It really blows my mind how their personality can change so much.

[goodguy]

If you enjoy reading, Ray Bradbury's "The Martian Chronicles" has a very poignant vignette which resonated with my BPDex experience. Its the chapter called "The Martian" - basically the martian is a bit of a lost soul who goes from family to family, changing into what is most desired in order to gain love and protection. If you can find a copy online, the chapter is short and easy to read.

[Ironmanrises]

Cal,

I struggle with this too. My mind splits trying to understand how this person morphs into 2 polar opposites. I cannot link the two. Sometimes my mind recoils as I try to process this. I know how much that must hurt witnessing all of that.

[suffering_parent]

Wow I am going through this too.   My family lived a very moral life style.   No TV, no violence, no sexual movies etc.   My wife lived and breathed that life.

She was super insecure though and had major major issues with porn.   She accused me almost every day of looking at it.   She searched my computer non-stop looking for evidence.   I never looked it.   She was sex-crazed I never needed to look anywhere else... .

She was extremely jealous of anything that took my time, including video games.   I just flat out gave them up.

As soon as she left she is with some kid who plays violent games, facebook page is covered with porn etc.    She has abandoned everything she was.   It is unbelievable how they can just switch on a dime in an instant.

[Emelie Emelie]

Plus on top of that she told me she quit loving me when my brother got cancer.

What?  That is unbelievable.

[cal644]

I agree. My ex used to resent anyone who would cheat, until it became her. I really do wonder at times how she is now mirroring her new love. I think that's why she chose someone an hour away, so she can keep up her old appearance of life here. But live her new life there. And yes it did floor me and hurt me when she said she quit loving me when my brother got cancer, but I think it goes back to the lack of empathy. She doesn't know how to take care of her own emotional struggles, how in the world could she help me with my own pain.

[goldylamont]

I agree. My ex used to resent anyone who would cheat, until it became her. I really do wonder at times how she is now mirroring her new love. I think that's why she chose someone an hour away, so she can keep up her old appearance of life here. But live her new life there. And yes it did floor me and hurt me when she said she quit loving me when my brother got cancer, but I think it goes back to the lack of empathy. She doesn't know how to take care of her own emotional struggles, how in the world could she help me with my own pain.

Well, sometimes I like to look at things from this perspective--at some point this person wants to say the absolute most painful thing in the world to you, to hurt you. I doubt she even knows herself why she flipped out. But saying she stopped loving you when your brother had cancer--wouldn't this be the most painful and hateful way to put things? Bingo! --now she knew exactly what to say to you, and she did.

My ex would do the same thing with her reasonings--somehow after I broke up with her she'd say things like "my biggest mistake was being with you for *years* and never loving you at all. i can't believe i was so stupid for staying in the relationship for someone i didn't even like for so long... . " yappity yappity yap. this hurt so much at the time. but you know my conclusion now--this is fake, everything she's said since we broke up is fake and a lot during our r/s was fake.

I bet the truth is that your wife didn't know why she hated aspects of her life before, during or after she met you. So, please don't put *any* power into these hurtful statements she's making! She's just doing it to hurt you and get a reaction--not at all to try and be truthful (truth is like kryptonite to pwBPD). Trust that if she ever needed you for anything, the whole story would change and she would claim to have loved you all along. Either way don't give it any credit; it wasn't your fault.

[suffering_parent]

It amazes me how similar people with BPD are.   My wife could find the most painful things to say just at the right times.   She would tell me I killed my brother.   Reality a car blew a stop sign on a blind corner and t-boned me.   I was just driving down the highway and had no chance to avoid it.

They are so mentally sick and twisted.