S8 will not accept my gifts

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Over the last few months Ihave experienced more troubling behavior from my S8.  On several instances he has shonw a blatant dislike or disinterest in some gifts I have given him.  The latest has to do with a new skateboard and this has happened twice.

This past Easter I had bought skateboards for both S6 and S8.  They were junky olnes, but the same ones that they have at BPD/NPDexw’s house.  They had already gotten the interest in skating at moms house.  So Easter morning I give thme the boards.  There are at frist excited.  I didn’t have time before, so we had to go out shopping for the protective gear.  We get it, come home, and I say, “hey, let’s go out nad skate on the driveway.”  S8 goes out, he won’t get on the board, his brother is skating, but S8 refuses to get on the board and disagrees with skating on the driveway.  He eventually gets himself so upset that he gives the board back to me and tells me to take it back.  Goes inside and sits on the couch watching TV.  Later in the evening they talk to mom on the phone,  S8 tells her about the new board and I can hear her ask, “where did you skate,” thought this an odd question, was it relevant?  S8 would go on to volunteer, “Dad had us skate on the driveway which I thought was HORRID.”  This was the Easter incident.

In the interim, I had bought them both better boards, but the one I bought for S8 is a little big.  So this week I order a board that is smaller and sized better for S8.  I had mentioend it last week, ordering a new board, and early in the week he would ask if I had ordered the board.  Wednesday evening I finally showed him what I had ordered and would be here Thursday.  He asks a couple times of when it would arrive.  Last night it arrives, he’s excitede, it’s awesome.  They skate a little on our porch.  Then S8 asks if we can go to the skate park that is a walk from the house.  I say, “ok, but you have to put your gear on,” he starts resisting, “I don’t like the pads, they itch, and mom doesn’t make me wear the pads when I’m with her< id on’t need them either, I don’t fall, ever,”  we go back and forht, I stay calm.  In the end, he tells me he doesn’t want the board and to send it back.  I leave it. 

This morning he ends up taking the board with him to his mothers. 

This same scenario had played out with his bike.  He doesn’t have a geared bike at my house, and he can’t ride his bike in my street.  So that was his reasoning for not wanting to ride his bike at my house, “well I can’t ride in the street.”  His mom lives on a quiet, not very busy street.  I live on a cut through type street on a corner with a lot of traffic.  Regardless, although they are avid bike riders, S8 shows no interest in riding his bike when with me. 

S8 is diagnosded mildly autistic and previously ODD. I think he can put up artificial roadblocks with things he feel,s he may not be good at.  I also feel that his mother fills him with such lofy greatness that he is afraid to disappoint and makes up these roadblocks for protection.

Programming has been ongoing for at least 7 years and the only thing that prohibits it from taking firm root is the fact that I have 50% time.  However, it doesn't help the quality of time I have with these boys.

Just cuirous if anyone has experienced this and what best to do.  I am devising a plan to get S8 to a therapist without his mother being at all invovled.  Someone completely neutral and unbiased that HE can talk to without interference from anyone else.

[scraps66]

Over the last few months Ihave experienced more troubling behavior from my S8.  On several instances he has shonw a blatant dislike or disinterest in some gifts I have given him.  The latest has to do with a new skateboard and this has happened twice.

This past Easter I had bought skateboards for both S6 and S8.  They were junky olnes, but the same ones that they have at BPD/NPDexw’s house.  They had already gotten the interest in skating at moms house.  So Easter morning I give thme the boards.  There are at frist excited.  I didn’t have time before, so we had to go out shopping for the protective gear.  We get it, come home, and I say, “hey, let’s go out nad skate on the driveway.”  S8 goes out, he won’t get on the board, his brother is skating, but S8 refuses to get on the board and disagrees with skating on the driveway.  He eventually gets himself so upset that he gives the board back to me and tells me to take it back.  Goes inside and sits on the couch watching TV.  Later in the evening they talk to mom on the phone,  S8 tells her about the new board and I can hear her ask, “where did you skate,” thought this an odd question, was it relevant?  S8 would go on to volunteer, “Dad had us skate on the driveway which I thought was HORRID.”  This was the Easter incident.

In the interim, I had bought them both better boards, but the one I bought for S8 is a little big.  So this week I order a board that is smaller and sized better for S8.  I had mentioend it last week, ordering a new board, and early in the week he would ask if I had ordered the board.  Wednesday evening I finally showed him what I had ordered and would be here Thursday.  He asks a couple times of when it would arrive.  Last night it arrives, he’s excitede, it’s awesome.  They skate a little on our porch.  Then S8 asks if we can go to the skate park that is a walk from the house.  I say, “ok, but you have to put your gear on,” he starts resisting, “I don’t like the pads, they itch, and mom doesn’t make me wear the pads when I’m with her< id on’t need them either, I don’t fall, ever,”  we go back and forht, I stay calm.  In the end, he tells me he doesn’t want the board and to send it back.  I leave it. 

This morning he ends up taking the board with him to his mothers. 

This same scenario had played out with his bike.  He doesn’t have a geared bike at my house, and he can’t ride his bike in my street.  So that was his reasoning for not wanting to ride his bike at my house, “well I can’t ride in the street.”  His mom lives on a quiet, not very busy street.  I live on a cut through type street on a corner with a lot of traffic.  Regardless, although they are avid bike riders, S8 shows no interest in riding his bike when with me. 

S8 is diagnosded mildly autistic and previously ODD. I think he can put up artificial roadblocks with things he feel,s he may not be good at.  I also feel that his mother fills him with such lofy greatness that he is afraid to disappoint and makes up these roadblocks for protection.

Programming has been ongoing for at least 7 years and the only thing that prohibits it from taking firm root is the fact that I have 50% time.  However, it doesn't help the quality of time I have with these boys.

Just cuirous if anyone has experienced this and what best to do.  I am devising a plan to get S8 to a therapist without his mother being at all invovled.  Someone completely neutral and unbiased that HE can talk to without interference from anyone else.

[david]

You may need to find a T to help you learn different communication strategies. I had a T several years ago that helped me deal with everything that was going on. Eventually I was able to listen and understand what each of our sons was actually saying. They are now 14 and 10 and things are much better than before. Ex left 5 plus years ago. The first two years were very difficult because ex had a way to get into the kids heads. Eventually, with me staying focused on their needs and learning to listen better, I began a much better relationship than I think I would have had with either of them if we stayed together.

It's difficult trying to instill safety (knee pads etc) when you have opposition 50 % of the time to what you are trying to do. 

[mamachelle]

scraps66,

I have seen this with a skateboard as well with my SS9. When he was 6 his BPDbioMom's BF took SS to a skatepark and gave him an old skateboard of his. Our driveway has a slight incline and we decided that it was unsafe for SS to skate until he was older, had better coordination and street sense, and we would not worry about him landing in the street. So for his 9th birthday we got SS a really nice beginner board (not a dept store one but not the highest line either) and a new helmet.

He used it once then got worried he would scratch it up. He put duct tape on the edges? It looked odd. Now it is just sitting there and he won't use it. I have seen this before with a scooter, where he did not want to get it dirty. He asked us for the old board back which we just didn't want to give him because it looks unsafe and it is too big for him and it also ties into Mom's exBF who was abusive... .

I think it is a combination of genuinely not wanting to damage the board, feeling self-conscious, maybe some other factors. It's depressing though to get kids gifts like that they want and then they just don't want it and can't explain why.

My SS15 is on the Autism spectrum and he does have trouble sometimes explaining why he doesn't want something and will sometimes get pissed if we buy him something for a gift he has not asked for. I bought him a video game that was recommended on Amazon as one he would like based on his profile for his bday and he really gave me the 3rd degree and wanted to know why I had bought it. He didn't like it he later told me. So, after that, no surprise video games. One time right after me and DH (his Dad) got married, Mom bought him a pair of sneakers (he was 9) and told him not to get them dirty in a very intense mean tone. So, he refused to wear the sneakers until his others were completely ruined. He couldn't articulate why.

I think learning communication strategies is good  like David said ... . and also just waiting it out. I am hoping SS9 will get into his skateboard once the new ness has worn off. But basically, I just want to say that yes, have had this happen and not exactly sure why   

mamachelle