Not sure if I'm strong enough for this

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I told my uBpdh that I was going to spend my next day off with our grown daughter. It was mother daughter time. Massage, lunch and lounging by a pool. I try to not tell him to far in advance but not wait til the last minute either. He had about a weeks notice. He kept asking if he could go. I said, it was just gonna be me and D26. Why can't I go? Why do you hate me? Etc... . He said he wanted to go to the pool with us. Which he hates the hot weather. It was at our nieces campground. He said he would just stay in the camper if it was too hot. That wasn't the point. I wanted him to respect the fact that I had the right to go out with our daughter by myself if I so choose. Upon my return I got the cold shoulder for awhile. Then the verbal onslaught began. For about 2 hours he kept telling me I was so rude to go without him. He will never go there, because I wouldn't let him go along. And he will never touch me again because I paid somebody for a massage and I won't let him touch me! Which is a lie. He is always touching me and we are intimate at least 1-2 times a week. But he says we never are! He went on and on, saying nasty things about the massage. Which it was a normal massage at a training academy for people just learning. I told him I felt as though he was trying to punish me for going and trying to teach me a lesson so I don't do it again. I didn't do anything wrong. He would rant on and on. I was silent most of the time, but when I do open my mouth he just cuts me off and says " I don't want to talk about it anymore!" Meaning I'm not supposed to talk about it, but he can go on and on! It is beyond frustrating. I did try and say I was sorry he felt that way. And that those were his choices to not touch me or to not visit our nieces campground. But I sometimes doubt if this is all worth it. I tried to remind myself he will be over it in a couple days and it wasn't about me. But it still is so hard! Vent is over. Thanks!

[Linlu53]

I told my uBpdh that I was going to spend my next day off with our grown daughter. It was mother daughter time. Massage, lunch and lounging by a pool. I try to not tell him to far in advance but not wait til the last minute either. He had about a weeks notice. He kept asking if he could go. I said, it was just gonna be me and D26. Why can't I go? Why do you hate me? Etc... . He said he wanted to go to the pool with us. Which he hates the hot weather. It was at our nieces campground. He said he would just stay in the camper if it was too hot. That wasn't the point. I wanted him to respect the fact that I had the right to go out with our daughter by myself if I so choose. Upon my return I got the cold shoulder for awhile. Then the verbal onslaught began. For about 2 hours he kept telling me I was so rude to go without him. He will never go there, because I wouldn't let him go along. And he will never touch me again because I paid somebody for a massage and I won't let him touch me! Which is a lie. He is always touching me and we are intimate at least 1-2 times a week. But he says we never are! He went on and on, saying nasty things about the massage. Which it was a normal massage at a training academy for people just learning. I told him I felt as though he was trying to punish me for going and trying to teach me a lesson so I don't do it again. I didn't do anything wrong. He would rant on and on. I was silent most of the time, but when I do open my mouth he just cuts me off and says " I don't want to talk about it anymore!" Meaning I'm not supposed to talk about it, but he can go on and on! It is beyond frustrating. I did try and say I was sorry he felt that way. And that those were his choices to not touch me or to not visit our nieces campground. But I sometimes doubt if this is all worth it. I tried to remind myself he will be over it in a couple days and it wasn't about me. But it still is so hard! Vent is over. Thanks!

[eeyore]

2 hours?  After a few minutes of that I would have just left the room. 

Also, I wouldn't apologize or say I'm sorry unless I had done something that I was really sorry for. 

Lastly, Have you read about validation?  It sound like you were defending when you did get the opportunity to speak. 

Example

HIM:  __________ (fill in the blank)  nasty things about the massage.

You:  It was a normal massage at a training academy for people just learning.

Suggestion for YOU:  I hear you saying __________ about the massage. 

HIM:  So if you agree then you shouldn't have gotten a massage

You:  I hear you saying I shouldn't have gotten a massage.  You feel _____ about me getting a massage, etc. 


Learning the validation techniques will help you with your H but also with overall communication.