Contemplated Suicide Tonight...

[Depression = 72% of members]

I've been drinking tonight and alcohol usually brings out my true feelings.  I always try to put on a strong, calm, and "in control" face for the world.  But I am not o.k.  I am sad and nobody knows it. 

I loved him so much.  I loved him unconditionally.  I would do anything for him.  And he replaced me so easily.  3 years.  3 years of so much love that I invested in him.  I did so much for him.  I was always there for him.  Always.  All he had to do was look over his shoulder, and I was right there.  I would have never left him or abandoned him.  Never.  At times I loved him more than I loved myself.

He kept sabotaging the relationship.  He never let me get close to him.  The more I loved him, the more he picked fights and did things to try to push me away.

We just broke up weeks ago.  And he's already in Las Vegas with another woman.  He's posting pictures to his Instagram account of the two of them together.  In 3 years, he never posted one single picture of me.  Not one.  It makes me feel as if he never loved me.  It makes me feel as if I never meant anything to him.  He moved on SO quickly.  I'm sitting here hurting and he moved on SO quickly.  I'm still in love with him, and he is out of town proudly posting photographs of himself with another woman.

I feel low.  Really low.  I feel like I gave him everything.  I gave until I had nothing else to give, and then I gave some more.  But he abandoned me.  He left me like it was nothing to him.  I never hurt him.  All I ever tried to do was to love him.  I would have given him one of my kidneys if he needed it.  But he replaced me so easily.  We didn't even have drama in our relationship.  It was just me trying to love him, and him constantly pushing me away.  He told me that he is not capable of offering me a relationship right now because there are things within himself that are "toxic and messed up.  If that's the case, why is he in Las Vegas already looking so happy with another woman."

I came home.  I grabbed a bottle of bleach and contemplated drinking it.  I felt so unlovable.  So alone.  I felt like there was something wrong with me.  Like I would always be unloved and alone.  But I put the bottle down.  I have a lot more living to do and I do not want to take my life.  I just want the pain to go away and for me to be happy again.  He came into my life and turned it upside down.  I just want to be happy again. 

I will be ok.  I have had too many drinks so these are just my true feelings talking.  I am going to sleep now and tomorrow is a new day.  I just wanted to vent. 

I guess I also need some kind words of encouragement since nobody close to me really knows how bad I am hurting right now.  I am usually the rock and the calm, cool, collected person.  Everybody thinks I am getting over this easily, but I am not.  I'm ___ed up over this.   



 

[Candace30]

I've been drinking tonight and alcohol usually brings out my true feelings.  I always try to put on a strong, calm, and "in control" face for the world.  But I am not o.k.  I am sad and nobody knows it. 

I loved him so much.  I loved him unconditionally.  I would do anything for him.  And he replaced me so easily.  3 years.  3 years of so much love that I invested in him.  I did so much for him.  I was always there for him.  Always.  All he had to do was look over his shoulder, and I was right there.  I would have never left him or abandoned him.  Never.  At times I loved him more than I loved myself.

He kept sabotaging the relationship.  He never let me get close to him.  The more I loved him, the more he picked fights and did things to try to push me away.

We just broke up weeks ago.  And he's already in Las Vegas with another woman.  He's posting pictures to his Instagram account of the two of them together.  In 3 years, he never posted one single picture of me.  Not one.  It makes me feel as if he never loved me.  It makes me feel as if I never meant anything to him.  He moved on SO quickly.  I'm sitting here hurting and he moved on SO quickly.  I'm still in love with him, and he is out of town proudly posting photographs of himself with another woman.

I feel low.  Really low.  I feel like I gave him everything.  I gave until I had nothing else to give, and then I gave some more.  But he abandoned me.  He left me like it was nothing to him.  I never hurt him.  All I ever tried to do was to love him.  I would have given him one of my kidneys if he needed it.  But he replaced me so easily.  We didn't even have drama in our relationship.  It was just me trying to love him, and him constantly pushing me away.  He told me that he is not capable of offering me a relationship right now because there are things within himself that are "toxic and messed up.  If that's the case, why is he in Las Vegas already looking so happy with another woman."

I came home.  I grabbed a bottle of bleach and contemplated drinking it.  I felt so unlovable.  So alone.  I felt like there was something wrong with me.  Like I would always be unloved and alone.  But I put the bottle down.  I have a lot more living to do and I do not want to take my life.  I just want the pain to go away and for me to be happy again.  He came into my life and turned it upside down.  I just want to be happy again. 

I will be ok.  I have had too many drinks so these are just my true feelings talking.  I am going to sleep now and tomorrow is a new day.  I just wanted to vent. 

I guess I also need some kind words of encouragement since nobody close to me really knows how bad I am hurting right now.  I am usually the rock and the calm, cool, collected person.  Everybody thinks I am getting over this easily, but I am not.  I'm ___ed up over this.   



 

[Want2know]

Candace, I have to say reading your post, I could have written very much the same thing when I first broke up with my ex.  I am so sorry you are feeling this way - many of us have been exactly where you are now.  You are not alone. 

There is a lot to learn about a pwBPD's behavior, and coming to the realization that they have some very deep issues that cannot be solved with love.  It's a matter of them having self-love, which very few have.    He needs to want to take care of himself - you cannot do that for him.

Glad you are getting some sleep.  Sometimes we have to get to these low moments to realize that, as you said, "I have a lot more living to do".  We are here and listening... . sharing your feelings and thoughts with those who understand is a good thing.

[Ironmanrises]

Candace,

Know that you are not alone. I know how you are feeling as I attempted suicide 2 different times(2009, 2010). That despair... . has no words. Reading your post brought me back to those 2 dark times. The behavior of your ex... . the coldness of it... . My exUBPDgf exhibited that coldness too. I still tumble.

[heartandwhole]

Candace,

I'm so sorry that you are hurting. You are definitely not alone, so many of us have had those feelings.    This kind of grieving is so difficult, it goes so deep that we think we can't continue.  

Like Want2know wrote, if loving our pwBPD could heal the relationship, there would be no need for this site. I tried, too, and it hurt so much when he left. I had done everything I could, to the point of making myself sick.  It's a hard realization, but with time, also freeing.

We are here for you.  It helps to get it out, especially to people who can relate.  

Keep reaching out, we care.  

[slimmiller]

Candace,

So sorry to hear about your pain. :'(

A few things, first, delete your contact with him. Dont look at those pics! They will only tear you up and rub salt in the wound. Be nice to yourself and dont hurt yourself by looking at them I know easy for me to say but I blocked mine harder then Ft Knox on all social media. Thus im not tempted to look at it.

Second thing. Consider yourself lucky in a way too. Why do I say that? I spent 13 years with mine, have three lovely children with her and she uses them against me every chance she gets. To her they are pawns in her game of lies and deceit. She loves them, yes. Like people love pets. When she wants them and wants the latest bf to dote on her 'family' but then she wants to run and go clubbing and yup, the kids are basically a nuisance to her.

I am not trying to be crass, you are in pain and rightfully so. When you give so much for another to just toss it out it sucks.  Just saying that while it hurts, it could be worse.

You are not alone.

Have you gotten any counseling?

It makes a huge difference

[momtara]

I am so sorry to hear that.  It is such a rollercoaster.  What a cruel disorder this is.

The woman he's in Vegas with will probably feel the way you did last night, either sooner or later... .

At least know that you are a loving person, which means you are heads and tails above many others.  Deep inside, I'm sure he knows how much you gave.  You ARE lovable.  Your writing is also sweet and sharp.  So you seem smart.  You deserve love, and to be loved withour having to have fears.

[happylogist]

Candace,

The reason he is posting pictures is not because he wants to make you hurt. Obviously he just moved on. This is the sad reality that many of us, who obviously have problems with dependency and self-worth get obsessed with.  Each of us thinks who could she or he did not appreciate all sacrifices we were making.  But this is precisely how it works. They needs us and we need them. This is a toxic relationship that many of us call "love", but it is not love, it is simply a lack of self-love. I am not a Buddhist, but recently I have been reading a lot about this toxic attachment that I had with him and my willingness to do anything and everything for him and his hot/cold behavior, my obsession to show him my all love and I find a lot of explanation in "shenpa", clinginess or unhealthy attachment that we believe will bring us comfort but never does for a long time... .   This is not love, because we stop even more loving ourselves and dissolve in someone who is not treating us well, who shows respect and love only when it pleases. We find a BP person ourselves, even we try hard to find one. So celebrate this time by yourself instead of feeling so down... . Untill last week I cried every morning and I couldn't stop, never thought about suicide, but my health was getting worse because of this whole tension in me... . for not finding answers)... . but it is not about them - that we don't know, it is about us - we need to find the reasons and address them. Why we are not able to let it go and leave. It is not unloving him, but loving you more.  Instead of drinking tomorrow, just do something that brings you pleasure, something that you could do alone and enjoy, and if you feel like crying - cry, you don't to be strong now, take care of yourself like you did of him.

Take care.

[Learning_curve74]

Candace, I hope you are feeling rested and slept peacefully. A big hug to you.  

You must have loved him so much and so fiercely with a big heart. With his mental illness, the more you cared and loved him, the more he was pushing you away out of fear. Don't be ashamed that you have such a big heart and the capacity to love and be so giving of yourself, it is a rare thing to be treasured.

You are feeling terribly depressed, but I'm very glad you didn't do anything awful to yourself. A long time ago, so long ago it was like another lifetime, I was in exactly the same dark place where I was going to kill myself. After a bad breakup I was wondering "what's wrong with me" and "why am I not good enough". I thought anything would be preferable to the pain I felt. Instead of suicide, it was a turning point in my life. If it can happen to an average person like me, I know it can happen to a special person like you, Candace. I don't even know you, but I can tell from the way you write.

It was never your fault, he will eventually push everybody away. Fear is the biggest obstacle to love, his fear that you were too good for him, fear that he wasn't good enough to be loved, fear that you would leave him when you realized it, fear... . but you were fearless to love him. Be fearless now and live the life that is ahead of you.  

[talithacumi]

My heart truly goes out to you this morning, Candace. I did much the same thing, and felt much the same way many times in the months immediately following being replaced/abandoned/discarded after 12+ years by my ex. Those thoughts eventually passed for me. With time. With therapy. With the information, validation, community, and support I found on these boards. I hope they will eventually pass for you as well.

Stay strong. Biggest of hugs.

- TC

"... . to love life, to love it even

when you have no stomach for it

and everything you've held dear

crumbles like burnt paper in your hands,

your throuat filled with the silt of it.

When grief sits with you, its tropical heat

thickening the air, heavy as water

more fit for gills than lungs;

when grief weights you like your own flesh

only more of it, an obesity of grief,

you thin, How can a body withstand this?

Then you hold life like a face

between your palms, a plain face,

no charming smile, no violet eyes,

and you say, yes, I will take you

I will love you, again."

--- Ellen Bass

[Candace30]

Wow.  I woke up this morning with a feeling of dread - I didn't want to come back here to read the replies.  I was embarrassed to admit that I felt so low last night.  I thought that I might be judged or that you all would think I was crazy.  It is so encouraging to see that so many of you have experienced what I am going through now, and can relate.  Your sympathy and kind words are so appreciated.  You have no idea what it means to me.  I'm actually at work in my office right now a little teary eyed.  But these are tears of gratitude for all of you people who I have never met, but who cared enough to respond.

Thank God I have a survival instinct.  I think we all do, or else we would not be here on this board.  

I just really love this man.  I have such a strong, unconditional love for him.  I've actually been doing a pretty good job of going out, doing things I enjoy, and trying to move forward with my life.  But just seeing those pictures of him with that other woman deeply affected me.  I understand that he is not doing this intentionally to hurt me, and this is his way of just trying to move on himself.  But it just felt so cold to me,  like he never loved me, and it took me to a very dark and anguishing place.  

Whatever the case, I am at work today, so this should keep my mind occupied.  I have a pretty busy weekend planned- going to a jazz event at a museum, disneyland, and a couple of pool parties.

I think I will be ok.  Hopefully I do not go back to that dark place again.  If I do, I will come here like I did last night for support.

From the bottom of my heart, thank you.    

[snappafcw]

Godbless you I hope you find your smile again to your ex doesn't know what he is missing. He is ill. And you are amazing.

[Surnia]

Hi candace30

So sorry to hear all this! 

I can understand that you felt embarrassed today about feeling so low. It needs a lot of courage to admit this.

We are here for you.

[pecia]

Candace,

I am in the same place as you are right now. I have learned that I cannot drink because it only brings out the darkest parts. I have contemplated suicide as well, but it isn't a solution. I have struggled with feeling inadequate because I couldn't find the right thing to do or say to fix him, to make him love me like I love him, or even acknowledge that I love him. I have spent 18 yrs with him and he denies that I ever loved him. We still live together (he is supposedly moving out soon) so I get to watch him go out and drink and buy jewelry for other women. It is hard when you see them doing all the nice things they should have been doing for you. My H told me that I am the source of his pain and if he can get rid of me his pain will go away. That is truly what he believes. They cannot see that the source of their pain is within themselves. It is hard to be dismissed and it really gives a sharp blow to your self-esteem. Distract yourself. Do something fun. Call a friend. Don't drink alone and ponder how it is your fault - because it isn't. Sending you love and hugs,

pecia