Mom's First Day of Therapy is Today/Compromises

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Finally convinced my uBPDm (after months and months) to go to therapy, and then only after a huge e-mail blow-up.

Even, so she refused go under the terms that if she didn't, I wouldn't be visiting for the holidays. She would only go if I visited briefly and also had a session with her therapist. ( In other words she wasn't okay going under the context of "she" needs therapy, but she was okay going under the context "we" need therapy. )

Hopefully it helps, part of me is very cautiously optimistic, but the rational part of me is shaking its finger and saying "don't get your hopes up."

I have mixed feelings about it all. This Christmas, it's my boyfriend's family's turn to have us for the actual holiday and it's my parents' turn to have us for New Years. I love my bf's family and spending the holidays with them, but I really do NOT want to visit my mom and dad, pretty much at all, if I'm honest. I don't want to spent Christmas subconsciously thinking about the coming visit with my parents, but it was the only way my mother would agree to go to therapy.

Part of me is starting to wonder, did we compromise, or was I manipulated?  I suppose it's something only time will tell. I feel a bit of pervasive, low-level anxiety over it and I'm tired of it - need to learn how to put it out of my head until it actually becomes relevant. Anyone know the magic words for that?

[Tygeress]

Finally convinced my uBPDm (after months and months) to go to therapy, and then only after a huge e-mail blow-up.

Even, so she refused go under the terms that if she didn't, I wouldn't be visiting for the holidays. She would only go if I visited briefly and also had a session with her therapist. ( In other words she wasn't okay going under the context of "she" needs therapy, but she was okay going under the context "we" need therapy. )

Hopefully it helps, part of me is very cautiously optimistic, but the rational part of me is shaking its finger and saying "don't get your hopes up."

I have mixed feelings about it all. This Christmas, it's my boyfriend's family's turn to have us for the actual holiday and it's my parents' turn to have us for New Years. I love my bf's family and spending the holidays with them, but I really do NOT want to visit my mom and dad, pretty much at all, if I'm honest. I don't want to spent Christmas subconsciously thinking about the coming visit with my parents, but it was the only way my mother would agree to go to therapy.

Part of me is starting to wonder, did we compromise, or was I manipulated?  I suppose it's something only time will tell. I feel a bit of pervasive, low-level anxiety over it and I'm tired of it - need to learn how to put it out of my head until it actually becomes relevant. Anyone know the magic words for that?

[Pilate]

Anyone know the magic words for that?

Mindfulness? Radical acceptance? Therapy? 

The process that you went through with your mother to see someone sounds like it was really overwhelming, Tygress. Perhaps one way to think about the "we" therapy is that we all benefit from doing some personal work, so maybe you seeing the counselor with your mom can be you doing something to help yourself rather than letting your mom "win" an argument about who or why therapy is needed.

I sympathize with the projecting into the future about holidays. One thought is New Year's is 3.5 months away. It's okay to say to people that you're going to do something in the future and then change your mind if circumstances change. (Have you ever told someone you would do something and then needed to back out because something came up? Think about your experiences with your parents. Have they ever said they were going to do something for you or with you and then reneged on it? I'm not suggesting this in a tit-for-tat way, but all of us, disordered and not, make plans and then break them because circumstances change. I know the conditioning by family, especially disordered or enmeshed family, is very hard combat, though, so it feels "more wrong" to say no than with other people.)

Perhaps your mom will learn some things in therapy that will make a New Year's visit a not-so-bad experience for you. On the other hand, if things don't pan out and you are not feeling safe around your mom at New Year's, you have every right to cancel. It won't be easy, but it is okay to do what feels better and is healthier for you rather than for your mom. Take care of yourself first.

Maybe those are the magic words: take care of yourself first.


Pilate

[GeekyGirl]

Hi Tygeress,

Hopefully things will improve now that your mother is in therapy, but realize that it will take some work on both of your parts. Are you ok with going to the therapist with her?

I certainly understand your apprehension about the holidays. They're usually emotionally charged, and can be hard for even families that aren't affected by BPD. What could you do to make visiting your parents easier? Could you set a time limit or spend NY outside their house? You have some time, so if there's something that would help you relax and be able to enjoy Christmas (and even NY), you can start lining up plans to make this as enjoyable as possible.

Part of me is starting to wonder, did we compromise, or was I manipulated?  I suppose it's something only time will tell. I feel a bit of pervasive, low-level anxiety over it and I'm tired of it - need to learn how to put it out of my head until it actually becomes relevant. Anyone know the magic words for that?

I wish there were magic words. What you can do is recognize that it's a negotiation of sorts. Do you feel like you've been heard and understood? Are your parents willing to try to accommodate your needs? If so, it's more of a negotiation than manipulation, IMO. Sometimes just distracting yourself for a few minutes or taking a deep breath helps too.   Keep us posted.

[Tygeress]

Thank you both for the support!   I know it will take a lot of work on my part as well, and I'm currently also seeing my own therapist for help 

I'm happy to report although I received a "letter" from my mother via-email on Saturday, I didn't look at it all weekend and had a WONDERFUL time!

Read it this morning: the letter basically that she was a wonderful mother, I had unreasonable expectations of her, etc etc etc 

Glad I didn't read it earlier.

[Clearmind]

I can understand you not wanting to you go – however, you were present and privy to the deal my friend. Its possible you compromised yourself by going for a visit if she went to therapy. When we place conditions on things – we are left with the consequences.

So manipulated? No – it was a choice.

Ty, I think folloiwng on from Mums therapy we also need to be mindful of our role in their recovery or them "getting it". It really is best to step back and allow them to seek their own path rather than making choices to please us.

[Tygeress]

I guess I feel a bit manipulated because I realized afterward it might just be a ploy aimed at getting me to visit by "saying the right words."

I guess it is better to let them go on their own path, but I sort of felt like it would never happen if I left her to her own devices. Anyway, it pretty much backfired as she's still totally convinced she has nothing to apologize for and is a wonderful mother.

At least I know that, at least at this point, she's just not willing.