driving license - control issue - how would you respond to this?

[Silkroad]

hi i have just posted now in another issue, but this came out now and i need your advise and wisdom!

We are married for 10 years and husband has always been able to drive. I started to learn when i was a teenager and never managed to finish, so dont have a driving license. We moved country, and husband needed to have one according to this country. He failed the test 3 times. Never studied for it.

So, after 4 years since he keeps saying he is going to do it and never does, i apply for the first provisional, which means i can start learning. From January to middle July this year, he gave me the silence treatment, and, in one occasion i was left with the responsibility to pick my 4 years old son frm school, holding a newborn baby, and he was off for his studies in another city. That's when i texted him to explain i was going to start applying for the driving license, enough is enough. As he wasnt talking to me, he never said anything.

Last week, as things are good recently, he asked me to send on the post the application to change the address which needed changing in his drving license. It is a step towards applying for the est.

NOW, he is off in a camp with the youth of the church he works for the week. It has been bliss and despite the solitude not having him around has done me good. He calls and texts ever so often, but he doesnt have eletrcity to charge his phone much.


Today his new driving license arrived. I happily texted him saying it had arrived and we could happily study together, and if he could let me use his dvd, if it was any good ans so on. Also i did someting else he asked me to regarding one of the parents (he keeps asking me to do things for him while he is there)

HE REPLIED:

You got a provisional driving licence without talking to me? I hope it makes you feel good.

I TEXTED BACK:

In the provisional license I got the date is 31 of may, so when I did it, I told/wrote to  you I was doing it. But around those months you were not talking or acknowleging  me because you said i was being punished as I wouldn't listen. So, I remember saying that I had to pick up SON ill when he was at school (back when he was at finlay) and had a 2 months old baby, and you were in oxford so thought it was too much,( I walked there in the end and SON had a fever and stomach upset but managed to walk bakc) and had to start this driving license process somehow as I am 36 years old next month, with 2 children under 5. It will take a long time as I don't have any knowledge of driving whatsoever. It doesn't mean I am undervaluing you or thinking you cannot do it, you are very capable of achieving this driving without anybody pushing you. You are extremely clever and I am sure you can have it and be able to drive to oxford soon. If you have bad memories relating to driving either caused by me or by someone else, it is time to allow your brain to be set free from what is hindering you in this sense. You are capable of achieving amazing things with your life to make all of us proud, specially SON and DAUGHTER. We want the best for you, always.

HE REPLIED: Of course you are right. Fever, children, me,  it is never you. Please don't text me anymore.


it has been 5 hours ago. He hasnt rang or texted. I am quiet too. dont know what to do. It is a spiritual retreat and he was so excited about it all just this morning. Now things has gonne sour again. We are due to go on holiday on Tue and he is back from this camp tomorrow night.

He feels he can never pass this test, but he never studies. i am feed up and want to be able to take kids out and have the flexibility of a car, but it seems if i have it before him its not right. He has control over me by not doing his somehow. How do i calm the waters now?

What would you do? thank you for reading

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[GreenMango]

HE REPLIED: You got a provisional driving licence without talking to me? I hope it makes you feel good.

I TEXTED BACK:In the provisional license I got the date is 31 of may, so when I did it, I told/wrote to you I was doing it. But around those months you were not talking or acknowleging me because you said i was being punished as I wouldn't listen. So, I remember saying that I had to pick up SON ill when he was at school (back when he was at finlay) and had a 2 months old baby, and you were in oxford so thought it was too much,( I walked there in the end and SON had a fever and stomach upset but managed to walk bakc) and had to start this driving license process somehow as I am 36 years old next month, with 2 children under 5. It will take a long time as I don't have any knowledge of driving whatsoever. It doesn't mean I am undervaluing you or thinking you cannot do it, you are very capable of achieving this driving without anybody pushing you. You are extremely clever and I am sure you can have it and be able to drive to oxford soon. If you have bad memories relating to driving either caused by me or by someone else, it is time to allow your brain to be set free from what is hindering you in this sense. You are capable of achieving amazing things with your life to make all of us proud, specially SON and DAUGHTER. We want the best for you, always.

I might have just said "yes I applied" and left it at that.  And not jaded a perfectly reasonable thing you needed to do to take care of yourself and those kids.

I'm sure some other stayers have some advice on validation or better route.

Happy for you though -  drivers licenses are exciting.  You sound excited and try not to let him steal the joy from this.

[Silkroad]

its so HARD  not jade... . you r right i should have only said one word isntead... . but i am learning...

As he is coming tonight i thought i needed to try and sort it out somehow... .

so this morning i didnt resist and texted him:

YOU ARE RIGHT, I SHOULD HAVE MADE IT CLEARER. sORRY FOR UPSETTING YOU, YOU DONT DESERVE TO BE TREATED THIS WAY, I WONT TEXT YOU ANYMORE. COULD YOU PLS RING TO TALK TO OUR SON, HE IS ASKING (HE WAS REALLY) WE ARE GOING TO TODDLER GROUP SOON.   

it was morning, so he tried to call once but i didnt get it on time, then he tried again in the afternoon, i put in the speaker and gave to our son straight way, but after talking to him he suddenly said he wanted to talk to me, although he knew i was listening. He was very happy, chearful, looking forward to coming home tonight, and never said anything about the driving license!

He is in a spiritual retreat, so he must have had a good time spiritually. Last year the good vibes he got after coming from the same retreat lasted him good 3 months. So lets hope he will touched there again! We are going away for 2 weeks on Tues and i am desesperate for some normal time... . it is so hard... . thank you for listening and helping me!