Chronically love-starved

[DeRetour]

A bit of a dramatic subject heading, but it's how I feel. And I realize it's a personal mythology I've carried for years. Can anyone relate? Do you feel like your personal mythologies/beliefs contributed to attracting your last relationship with your pwBPD?

My mythology goes something like this: "I'm just not loveable enough." or "I'm not alpha enough." "I'm too weird to be wanted in that way.", or "It seems to be something everyone else around me gets to have.", "I'll never have a girl who wants to lean her head onto me like that, at least not for the long-run." etc. These thoughts are really not much different from my early teenage years. And I wonder still further, if they developed from earlier thoughts as a child of just feeling inadequate and not enough.

Yeah, I just spent the last hour in tears. Outside my window, I hear confident voices of outgoing people mingling around a nearby bar and restaurant - guys, girls, and plenty of happy couples. Earlier, when I picked up my take-out dinner, it hurt so much to walk among those couples - so well-adjusted, well-loved, holding hands. I realized I've felt like this for a long time - alone, under-loved, misunderstood. In this last relationship, I felt a lot of these emotions - especially when she wasn't sleeping over or with me.

This feeling of being under-loved and anxious that I've carried with me for years seemed to fit so perfectly with my ex's behaviors. So is this a common thing among people that have gotten in BPD relationships? I think of the things I allowed with my ex and it just infuriates me, makes me question my whole self--why? Why do I not get to have a good loyal partner? Sorry, I'm feeling quite hopeless and need to get out of this thinking. Is this a pattern that can be unlearned? Is there any hope in getting out of this kind of thinking? Thank you for sharing your experiences or thoughts... . or any feedback. Sure could use some.

DeRetour


Before I go to bed, I'll probably realize I'm looking at the same question, different angle.

[eternity75]

DeRetour, I can identify with what you are saying. I have never felt totally loved either and although each time I look for a relationship I am mentally saying what I want, I seem to always attract what I don't want. I look at other people and see the love of other couples and I want that too. I see them with their babies and I want that. I see the love and I want that.

I think it comes from childhood issues of not feeling worthy, due to whatever circumstances. In my case my dad was physically and emotionally abusive to our whole family and we lived in fear of him and his constant mood swings. He was terrifying. My mom stayed married to him 25 years before he finally beat her up one last time and she finally called the police... . for the first time in 25 years of being abused, and watching him abuse my brother and I. I don't blame her... . I know she was living in fear herself and doing the best she knew how at the time. But I definitely grew up feeling unloved, unsure of myself, unsure of everything. Sometimes I wished I would die. Sometimes I wished he would die. I never saw a healthy relationship growing up so i guess this is what I thought love was. I can only be thankful I have never been in a relationship with a man who is physically abusive.

I read a lot about the law of attraction and how everything in our lives is there because we attracted it through our feelings and core beliefs. I believe that 100%. The trick is changing it which is not easy. Core beliefs are hard to identify, but once you have identified them they are also hard to change. The way to change them is through repetition... . identifying the self-talk you use (negative thoughts and feelings) and consciously working to reprogram your mind with new positive thoughts that eventually will become more natural and gradually change your beliefs so that what you attract into your life starts to be what you want instead of the subconscious stuff that you don't want. It's easier said than done IMO. I've tried... . it's not impossible though.

[snappafcw]

DeRetour I feel how you do now 100% I can't shake the feeling of worthlessness and like you said I see love everywhere and think its just something other people have. I have been told it will get better though. You are a good persons hang in there

[DeRetour]

Snapp,

Hey. First off, sorry to hear you've had similar thoughts. They kind of suck. Awareness of this kind of thinking is important, and it sounds like you're there. The question then becomes, how to feel worthy?

btw, I read your thread. good job in not looking at your ex's Instagram for a whole 8 months. I can totally relate to you there - thinking about some of the things my ex used to put on her Instagram. It's been about a month since my breakup. I haven't looked at any of her social media - FB, Instagram, or Tumblr. It's a good thing too.

Thanks for getting on this thread and reminding me that this thinking isn't completely crazy. Hang in there and work on changing those destructive thoughts. I need to do the same.

[slimmiller]

I read a lot about the law of attraction and how everything in our lives is there because we attracted it through our feelings and core beliefs. I believe that 100%. The trick is changing it which is not easy. Core beliefs are hard to identify, but once you have identified them they are also hard to change. The way to change them is through repetition... . identifying the self-talk you use (negative thoughts and feelings) and consciously working to reprogram your mind with new positive thoughts that eventually will become more natural and gradually change your beliefs so that what you attract into your life starts to be what you want instead of the subconscious stuff that you don't want. It's easier said than done IMO. I've tried... . it's not impossible though.

I love this. I have come to believe, speaking metaphorically, that our thoughts ARE our prayers. In other words they create our future. So if we are constantly negative. (In my case I spent too much time still hating her) It will come back to haunt us in a way.


How do we change that? Good question I think. It has a lot to do with how we were programmed in the past in how we think today. Kind of a product of our environment so to speak. A question that the Sages and Mystics have wrestled with for ages.

I think however that we have to reasses our view of our self worth after a relationship with a BPD. I dont like what I went through with her but am at the point where I want to know why was it neccesary to go through that Hell and what can I learn from it.

Back to the original post, maybe we have to have a period of mourning so to speak and then are better able to let it go... . ?

[DeRetour]

Eternity,

It sounds like you had quite a lot to digest. I do think a lot of this kind of thinking comes from family of origin. I too had a violent dad. From as young as I can remember, my parents fought. They split when I was 11. I lived with my dad and the violence became directed at me and my brother and sister. Meanwhile, my mom had relationships with some other abusive men and wound up in the hospital as a result of one of them. Fortunately, he's completely been long out of the picture. She's been married to a good stable man for the past several years. When I was younger, it was easier for me to just say my mom was the victim and my dad (and some of her other exes) was the violent one.

What I'm now thinking again is that my mom has some narcissistic traits. I've thought about this a lot and know that she had some major trauma as a young child. And so, in those formative years I felt like I always had to not draw too much attention to myself. Ughh. Here I am still dealing with this. But anyway, it's time to work more on changing this thinking.

And yes, I am a strong believer in the laws of attraction. Perhaps the best way to overcome these destructive "I'll never be enough to be loved... " thoughts, is to go full-on and look at how these thoughts play out in day-to-day interactions, gradually rewriting the script. It just seems so abstract. How does one incorporate this into their nervous system, on down to the molecular level?

Thanks for your feedback. And you hang in there as well! Think good thoughts.

[dangoldfool]

For what its worth to you. I read a book called "Healing The Shame That Binds You" John Bradshaw.

It talks about all the shame we have in growing up. One suggestion in the book suggest a 12 step program. And being able to admit are shameful events to a trusted person who wont judge us. I'm looking into the 12 step program called CODA. It put you into a group of people who all have the same type issues with relationships. Doing positive thoughts is great, and I'm a big fan of finding things to be grateful for. Even with all the crap you have on your plate. There are a number of things in your life right now you can be grateful for.

Say it raining and your in your car with a flat tire, siting along the side of the road. You can be grateful for at least that your dry sitting in your car. What ever makes the event just a little bit better, be thankful for it.

Keep working on your self. Hang in there we all have times where we need help.

[bpdspell]

I realize it's a personal mythology I've carried for years. Can anyone relate? Do you feel like your personal mythologies/beliefs contributed to attracting your last relationship with your pwBPD?

Two things. There's the blueprint (how you were treated, raised and valued and respected) and the narrative (how you feel about how you were raised, valued and respected). Your personal mythology is your narrative and our narrative is a collection of thoughts that have a lot of influence on how we feel about ourselves.

"I'm just not loveable enough." or "I'm not alpha enough." "I'm too weird to be wanted in that way.", or "It seems to be something everyone else around me gets to have.", "I'll never have a girl who wants to lean her head onto me like that, at least not for the long-run." etc. These thoughts are really not much different from my early teenage years. And I wonder still further, if they developed from earlier thoughts as a child of just feeling inadequate and not enough.

These thoughts you've revealed are quite powerful. And when repeated enough become our mantra. I highly doubt if anyone on here has reached adulthood emotionally unscathed. The scale of damage varies on here but more than likely our self-talk is filled with a negative narrative certainly helps in attracting our BPD's to us like a magnet.

Outside my window, I hear confident voices of outgoing people mingling around a nearby bar and restaurant - guys, girls, and plenty of happy couples. Earlier, when I picked up my take-out dinner, it hurt so much to walk among those couples - so well-adjusted, well-loved, holding hands.

Once again it helps to view your thoughts as a narrative. How are you so sure that the voices you are hearing are confident, outgoing and happy? How are you so sure that these people (strangers) that you are viewing are well adjusted and well loved? These are the things we tell ourselves to feed our own personal narrative of confirming that we are not good enough.

I realized I've felt like this for a long time - alone, under-loved, misunderstood.

In many ways we are like our BPD ex's. We will take our feelings and make them facts. The truth is that looking at strangers does not affirm that they are happy. This is not fact. Your on the outside looking in. Looking at strangers does not affirm that they are confident, well adjusted, much more lovable than you, or outgoing. This is a narrative you are feeding yourself to support your narrative.

This feeling of being under-loved and anxious that I've carried with me for years seemed to fit so perfectly with my ex's behaviors. So is this a common thing among people that have gotten in BPD relationships?

Yes feeling unlovable, unworthy of love and not good enough seems to be a common meme on here. Most of us have carried this internal narrative deep down inside of us for our entire lives. The challenge is changing that narrative and breaking this cycle of emotional terrorism. I grew up with a damaging blueprint: an emotional and physically abusive mother and a schizophrenic mentally ill father. My narrative was that I'm damaged goods, flawed, and unworthy of any good that comes into my life. Being invalidated by my parents only intensified my narrative because when you are a child your parents are GOD.

I carried this narrative with me all throughout my adult relationships with my BPDexbf being the APEX of me finally deciding to change the channel and the narrative on a story that was no longer serving me. Turns out my parents aren't GOD and that my narrative was more than faulty. It was all emotional lies I ate for breakfast, lunch and dinner to support the reasons why my parents were so dysfunctionally toxic.

Why do I not get to have a good loyal partner? Is this a pattern that can be unlearned? Is there any hope in getting out of this kind of thinking?

Again. It would help to seek out a therapist to root out core damaged beliefs from your childhood's blueprint. Your evolution cannot happen overnight but with commitment you can learn how to stop browbeating yourself with a narrative that's simply not true.

Spell

[DeRetour]

I was having a real moment of despair and hopelessness. I will say I have been shifting my focus onto myself. It’s just that once I start looking at it, I realize I’ve had this kind of thinking for as long as I can remember. It’s hard not to feel hopeless about ever securing a solid, loving relationship with someone loyal who doesn’t have these issues.

I think however that we have to reasses our view of our self worth after a relationship with a BPD. I dont like what I went through with her but am at the point where I want to know why was it neccesary to go through that Hell and what can I learn from it.

slimmiller,

This is a good thought. For the most part, I’m here as well, just trying to find those beliefs and patterns that invite this kind of relationship dynamic. I think being around happy couples and families is a trigger for having moments of desperation like this. Sorry if it was dramatic. But thanks for reading and responding.

dangoldfool,

The book you mentioned, “Healing the Shame that Binds You,” I’ll check this out and perhaps add it to my reading list. And yes, then there’s cultivating thankfulness. One thing I tried a couple of years ago was keeping a journal of things I was thankful for. I stopped for some reason and haven’t picked it back up, but focusing on what you have going for you is probably a good way to change up those negative thought patterns that have perpetuated this stupid mess. Good thoughts here. Thank you!

BPDspell,

You sifted through that mess I posted and made some good sense out of it, thanks. Yes, “narrative” is a good word to describe the mythologies that attract and support what we bring into our lives. It’s good to be at the point of being able to objectively recognize these narratives as destructive. Therapy is definitely a good idea. The first half of my 20s I had gone through therapy. It helped a lot, but some of these narratives have been just so stubborn. On a rational level, I can know that they’re not on board with what I want in life. The trick here is being able to access these personal narratives, rewrite them, and absorb them truly on a body and mind level.

Good thoughts everyone. I’ll be posting and reading more of your threads as well. Thanks again.

deretour

[Surnia]

DeRetour

I can so relate with your tears, your feeling about being alone under happy couples and not being loved.

Only my shattered marriage was showing me how low my self-esteeem was and my need be the caretaker.

Shifting the focus on yourself is a good thing. It needs time and it will work. A good relationship with yourself is a great thing. 

[seeking balance]

DeRetour,

Core loneliness and worthiness is a common theme of nons - people who feel they "are enough" simply don't tolerate unhealthy patterns for years or see "helping/saving" another adult as a way of building self worth.  The lonely child thread/workshop - https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=161524.0 - spoke volumes to me.

You are not alone in your feelings and in talking about them it is how we begin to reprogram the tapes and change.  Keep in mind, none of us here got this way over night and changing these core beliefs in ourselves take time and conscious discipline - if we had the tools, techniques, people around us already - we wouldn't be here - so finding this change in self perception requires a diligent and patient approach moving forward.

Under-loved is a good term you have coined - it sums it up.  We learn about love from our primary care givers and if we learned that we were not loved for simply "being alive" - well, it really does start the ball rolling down a path of feeling "under-loved".

For me, feeling enough comes from letting me love myself enough - this means that I show myself the same patience, discipline, kindness that I would a small child.  It is a different way of self talk, it is a different way I approach love, relationships, work, exercise, food, emotions - my view had to change to that of someone worthy.  It feels weird sometimes to splurge on me - and I don't mean necessarily financially... . it may mean emotionally accepting feelings of sadness or joy and being in them "it's ok to feel". 

Self Discipline is a practice that emotionally healthy people do because they feel worth it. - For example, Self Talk: "it's ok that you might not feel like exercising, but let's do it anyways because it makes for healthy living and feeling better".

I have been working on this stuff for years - and it does get better, honestly.  I am lonely at times or sad or scared - but that desperate core stuff - I don't really have bouts of that any longer... . even in stressful times.  I really am ok.

You will be ok DeRouter - you are doing the work.  Be kind and patient with yourself.  Love yourself because you really are worth it.

Peace,

SB

[iluminati]

Two quick thoughts.  First, you hang around a lot of manosphere/PUA blogs, don't you.  An interesting thing I've found is how many undercover nons are in the scene.  BPD will mess you up to the point you think you need to be a superstud to keep a woman.

Two, you need friends.  You need to develop a life beyond your SO.  I know it's a lot easier for me having my own life.  That way, I'm not going home and sitting in a room by myself all the time.  Humans need connection, and you need to find the people who connect with you.  C'mon... . give it a shot.

[Emelie Emelie]

I saw my T today and he was counseling me along the line of what Seeking Balance was saying.  I really resisted the idea that I was carrying some wounds from childhood.  My parents were 16 years old when they had me and yeah, they weren't perfect, but they did the best they could.  Hell... . they were 16!  Well he helped me realize that seeing some of the dysfunction (and there was a lot of it) in the situation didn't mean I was blaming my parents.  That although I'm fairly high functioning in most areas of my life, when it come to relationships there's a scared and lonely little girl inside of me who "adult me" needs to take care of and love.  So when I get desperate and panicky and want to contact BPDx to realize it's that scared and lonely little girl who wants to contact him and "adult me" needs to talk her through it.  This is the sort of thing I would have rolled my eyes at before.   (I would have rolled my eyes at therapy before too.)  But I've been thinking about it a lot.  I am desperately insecure in relationships.  I realize I've been the ultimate codependent caretaker in most of my relationships. Because I think if they really need me they won't leave me.  Hah... . wrong!  I don't know if any of these realizations can ultimately help me feel less insecure.  But the awareness has to be a good thing on some level.

[DeRetour]

Hey guys,

Thank you for all this wonderful feedback. Let’s see, I’ll start with Surnia and S.B.

Surnia,

If you can relate to the whole being sad around happy couples thing then, well, I’m terribly sorry. Shifting that focus to ourselves is definitely in order. Thank you for sharing your experience and wisdom. It really makes a difference to know I'm not just crazy or something for thinking like this.

And... .

SB,

Core loneliness and worthiness is a common theme of nons - people who feel they "are enough" simply don't tolerate unhealthy patterns for years or see "helping/saving" another adult as a way of building self worth.

Ah... good point here. A couple of things come to mind here. One, I’ve heard something very similar in therapy – not in the context of a BPD relationship, but in the context of dealing with family of origin issues. I think it’s been hard actually applying this concept to real life. And perhaps that’s something to address with a therapist. Two, I can’t really say that I wasn’t aware of the unhealthy pattern. But perhaps this is not uncommon for “nons” either – being able to recognize something that’s unhealthy, yet stick around. However, the fact that I did stick is really the focus here. It’s an inescapable truth – something to look into as I do the work.  

You will be ok DeRouter - you are doing the work.  Be kind and patient with yourself.  Love yourself because you really are worth it.

Man, those words... well, thank you, SB. You know, I’ll admit it’s been hard to even organize my thoughts coherently to even post up here. Yes, I know in we’re all working on these issues. It's good to know you survived your BPD relationship and successfully did the work and applied it to your own life. So, thanks for the words of inspiration here.

Thanks!

-deretour

EDIT:

For me, feeling enough comes from letting me love myself enough - this means that I show myself the same patience, discipline, kindness that I would a small child.  It is a different way of self talk, it is a different way I approach love, relationships, work, exercise, food, emotions - my view had to change to that of someone worthy.  It feels weird sometimes to splurge on me - and I don't mean necessarily financially... . it may mean emotionally accepting feelings of sadness or joy and being in them "it's ok to feel".

Self Discipline is a practice that emotionally healthy people do because they feel worth it. - For example, Self Talk: "it's ok that you might not feel like exercising, but let's do it anyways because it makes for healthy living and feeling better".

SB, This is an interesting look at how self-talk (to that child) can be applied. I hadn't really thought of it in this way. I do find myself thinking a lot about how I would want to approach parenting in my own life - provided I get to have a family of my own. And it makes sense when you put it this way - that self-talk, in a sense, is like parenting, yes? Good food for thought. Thanks again!

[DeRetour]

Iluminati,

P.U.A Blogs? I just had to look it up. Pick Up Artist sites! Hahahah! You had me rolling. Okay,okay. I’ll admit, I have peeked at a couple of them myself, mostly out of curiosity– typical d-bag talk. But still, I know these ideas and stereotypes don’t come from nowhere. Plenty go for the “player” type. Just an aside, when I say "player" I don't mean one particular type, I do think "players" come in all shapes and sizes, even in different social circles. I’ll admit, I’ve sort of had this old narrative in my head that the player type gets to have the most exciting, most intense love, and she’ll never get tired of him because he exudes so much cockiness, etc. I know, it’s totally fear-based, totally not based on real facts. That's why those sites get business - they prey on fear and insecurity. I never had any desire to be like that, really (not since I was maybe 16!), nor do I want the kind of woman that this attracts, but I've had this irrational fear for a long time, that I'm the kind of guy who gets abandoned, used, conned, boring, etc. and left for someone more alpha. I feel like I had this conversation when I was 20, .

That said, with a BPD relationship, I'm realizing that it has nothing to do with how much more we could have been or done for our pwBPD. No, it’s that they are unable to form a stable bond and remain a nice, loyal partner for life – with anyone no matter how studly, handsome, alpha…or beautiful they are. And good thought, it’s important to bring back that social life again. While in this last relationship, not only did a couple of my closest friends move away, but I've also gotten out of contact with friends.  I'm realizing I feel a lot of anxiety when it comes to going out. I'm thinking I may need to see a professional about this as well. (Sorry, I digress.) But yes, Iluminati, thanks for pointing out a couple of things I hadn't really been thinking about, and for making me laugh! I hope things are well in your situation too!

deretour

[DeRetour]

Emelie Emelie,

I really resisted the idea that I was carrying some wounds from childhood.  My parents were 16 years old when they had me and yeah, they weren't perfect, but they did the best they could.  Hell... . they were 16!  Well he helped me realize that seeing some of the dysfunction (and there was a lot of it) in the situation didn't mean I was blaming my parents.  That although I'm fairly high functioning in most areas of my life, when it come to relationships there's a scared and lonely little girl inside of me who "adult me" needs to take care of and love.

First off, good for you that you are seeing a T. I had done this in my early 20s. It was validating and provided a space to actually address issues with family of origin. I guess I'm realizing that I still need to do more core work. Seems endless, but we have to march on. That’s a good point you made that you can knowledge dysfunction without blaming. I often preface with “I know my parents did what they could, but…” etc.

So when I get desperate and panicky and want to contact BPDx to realize it's that scared and lonely little girl who wants to contact him and "adult me" needs to talk her through it.  This is the sort of thing I would have rolled my eyes at before.

I would’ve rolled my eyes at this maybe a year ago. But at this point, I totally want to do whatever I can to end this pattern for good.

I am desperately insecure in relationships.  I realize I've been the ultimate codependent caretaker in most of my relationships. Because I think if they really need me they won't leave me.  Hah... . wrong!  I don't know if any of these realizations can ultimately help me feel less insecure.  But the awareness has to be a good thing on some level.

These words – yes, you put it well. So sorry you shouldered that in relationships.   Keep up with taking good care of that child. I suppose it will seem less abstract if I seek professional help on this. Good thoughts Thanks so much for sharing your experience, Emelie Emelie.

deretour